Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Saren

Mom to Drake

Born Still on January 31, 2008 at 16 weeks

Coventry, Rhode Island
 

My name is Saren. I live in Coventry, Rhode Island. I lost my son, Drake, at 16 weeks, on January 31, 2008. I found out I was pregnant in early November of 2007, and from the start I was very ill.

At the beginning of my pregnancy with him, I knew something was wrong. After an ultrasound, the technician told me I had a placenta previa, but she didn't seem too worried, and re-assured me that it would correct itself. I was put on strict bed rest to try to correct the placenta previa, and also because I was experiencing some bleeding.
 

The day before I lost him, I went to my check-up, and was told everything was fine. They did some blood work, and that was that.The next day, I wasn't feeling too well, and I had gotten up to call my parents. While I was on the phone with my dad, I felt a huge gush of fluid, and I thought I had wet myself, and went to the toilet, and had another gush of fluid. I didn't want to believe my water had broken. I went back to bed, and waited for my husband to get home. Later on, I felt like something was falling out of me, and my husband and I went to the emergency room.
 

When I walked in, I was crying, and told the nurses that I thought I was having a miscarriage. They got me into a room, and when the doctor examined me, all she said, was "Yes; I'm so sorry." I delivered my son in the triage room, and they whisked him away, and got me ready to go upstairs.
 

I was having difficulty passing my placenta, and they needed to give me medication to pass it. I made the phone calls to my parents, and they headed to the hospital. While we were upstairs, before the nurses gave me the medication to pass the placenta, we were asked if we wanted to see our baby. My husband was hesitant, but I said yes. They also asked if we wanted a chaplain, and even though I am Pagan and my husband has no religion, we had a chaplain come. They gave me my son, bundled in this tiny blanket, and a tiny knit cap on his head. He fit in my hand perfectly. His hands, his feet- so perfectly formed.
 

I examined every single line of his hands and feet. I unwrapped him and ran my finger down his back, and I kissed his tiny hands. The chaplain came in, and baptized Drake. The hardest thing was handing him back to the nurses. The nurses gave us a box with pictures of his feet, footprints, what would have been his hospital bracelet. They also put in the little blanket and cap after they took him. They gave me the medication to make me pass my placenta, and they told me of the "worst that could happens." And every single one of the worst that could happens, happened.
 

I lost an extreme amount of blood, was losing consciousness, and had to be rushed to surgery, and received a blood transfusion. When I woke up, my husband told me what happened, and that I literally died. The social workers that helped me in the hospital were wonderful. They were very compassionate about our loss, and we had visits from various chaplains, counselors, etc. The social workers helped us find a funeral home that was willing to cremate our son and return some, even though a small amount, of ashes to us.
 

That was the hardest part- making the funeral arrangements for Drake. I remember how terrible it felt walking into that place, to meet the funeral director and sign papers, but I also remember how it felt to get him back. It's something I wish no one ever had to experience. I found out a few days after we lost Drake, that my blood work came back with high levels of AFP; (alphafetalprotein) Drake had an open neural tube defect, and the fluid meant to build his brain and spinal cord fluid was leaking into my blood stream, which made me extremely ill. I also learned that I had a severe bacterial infection, called chorioamnionitis.
 

In the 3 years it has been since I lost my son, not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Some days are better than others, and it gets a little easier to deal with. I light a candle for him on Jan. 31, at 9:50 pm. I also have a little dragon that represents him on my wrist, and we named a star in the sky in the Draco constellation for him. These are just little ways for me to remember him, that he was here, for however brief a time. But he'll be a part of me forever.
 

Saren can be contacted at: draeden113@yahoo.com