Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Nikki

Mom to Angel Baby "Wrinkle"

Misscarried at 12 Weeks on November 17, 2010

Port Orchard, Washington

I had been feeling lousy for nearly two months and hadn't had a normal period since August but I stopped nursing my son in July so it didn't seem too strange ~ it never occurred to me that I could be pregnant given our history of infertility. On October 27, 2010, we decided to take a pregnancy test simply to rule out what we already knew (i.e. that we were not pregnant).

After years of infertility and countless treatments to have our two children, we "knew" we were not pregnant. Imagine our surprise when the digital test read "PREGNANT" almost instantly. We sat in shock that night. Two days later, we had an ultrasound and saw a beautiful 9 week, very wiggly baby with a heart just flickering away as it should. I instantly fell in love and yet I couldn't shake the feeling that we were going to lose the baby. My husband kept trying to reassure me that everything would be fine and I would be the mom of three on earth. Still, I was scared. I had my first OB appointment exactly three weeks after we took the pregnancy test and I shared my fears with my OB. She did an internal exam and said I definitely felt pregnant; then she decided to do an ultrasound to take another peek at the baby.

My worst fears were confirmed.

Our once wiggly baby was completely still and no longer had a heartbeat. My OB sent me downstairs for an ultrasound with a different machine. It was torture to watch the tech continually check for a heartbeat and write "No FHT" multiple times. It appeared that our baby, who we fondly referred to as Wrinkle (because he/she put a wrinkle in our plans) passed away within a week of our first ultrasound.

Given how far along we were and that my body was showing no signs of removing the pregnancy on its own, I had a D&C that day. I was 12 weeks pregnant. My husband was in another state for business that week so I was on my own. I felt numb. Unfortunately, losing our baby was not the end of the story . . . I developed a uterine infection and was hospitalized for five days, only to have another D&C and a laparoscopy. Thankfully, I had excellent medical care and physically, am better. My heart, however, still feels as though a piece has been ripped out and I ache to hold my baby. It hurts not knowing even whether it was a boy or girl.

Nikki blogs at: http://gfisherfamily.blogspot.com/

and can be contacted at: schneidernj@hotmail.com