Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Nichole

Mom to Riley, August 12th, 2010

and Taylor, October 29th, 2010

Manistique, Michigan

People expect parents to quickly resolve the grief of a miscarriage. It’s as if since they didn’t know the child’s name, or it had not yet been named, or the pregnancy didn’t yet "show," our loss is somehow not as devastating. People often remark to us, "At least you didn’t know him/her," "You can always have another one," or "Probably it would have had a defect."

But of course we knew our child, their constant presence for weeks or months as the center of family love and excitement, the anticipation of who he or she would be. Our dreams, plans, hopes, our child’s whole life unfolds in our hearts and minds, long before it is born. Another pregnancy, another child, will never replace this child. And with or without a "defect," my heart was ready to embrace and nurture the tiny one.

All that matters to me is 'what could have been'

Sometimes i think that if my miscarriages were because of a chromosome abnormality i would have rather wanted a child with down syndrome rather than endure the pain of loss. I would have rather gave up everything in my life to take care of a child with multiple sclerosis. I would have rather been bed bound and sick every single day of my pregnancy. When my second pregnancy came along i PRAYED for morning sickness as a sign of a healthy pregnancy. It never came.

I will never know what happened or why god had to take my little angels and unfortunately if its something that is treatable with a pill such as hormones, i probably wont know until after my third miscarriage. $5,000 in hospital bills later, they wont do tests to find out what the problem is, it could be as simple as hormones where i can take a pill and make it all better. They say "we cant do any tests until after a third miscarriage..its just not necessary."

When i first found out about my first pregnancy i was on top of the world. I immediately felt that motherly bond with my child. I took two pregnancy tests that came back positive and i had a blood test done to confirm the pregnancy. I was so excited and even though i didn't know how far along i was, i couldn't wait to tell everyone. I told our family, friends and coworkers that we were expecting a little one! I was so careless and did not know the risk of miscarriages. The next day, i started spotting. The doctors told me that it is normal to spot during pregnancy but they measured my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone). They told me to come back in a week and measure them again to make sure they went up. Basically i lied in bed for a whole week crying, worrying and waiting. I did not experience any cramping and so i hoped for the best. When i went back for the second test, my levels went up!!! There were tears of joy and i was the happiest mommy on earth knowing my baby is okay. She told me i was about 7 wks pregnant. I had asked the doctor before leaving the office if i could get the numbers of the hcg levels. She handed them to me and my jaw dropped. "THEY ONLY WENT UP 70 POINTS?!? ARE YOU CRAZY, DOCTOR?" I was smart enough to know that they are supposed to DOUBLE (in the thousands) in the first trimester every 24 hours. I ran out of the office telling her that i'd be back in two days to check the levels and that next time she should use her head.

The next day, i was transported to a hospital 2 hours away with terrible abdominal cramps and bleeding. I couldn't even leave the toilet considering the amount of blood i was loosing. All i could do was cry the whole way there.. i didn't know what to think or say, it was nothing but silence between my fiance and I. I knew that i was losing my precious angel. The ER doctor immediately did a sonogram and they told me that the baby had passed and that there was nothing more they could do for me. I spent 48 hours in the bathroom lying on the floor, crying, screaming and in pain. I was so mad at the world and myself. I didn't know who or what to blame. The only thing i could think about was how i was going to tell all them people that we lost our child. I didn't believe that anything like this could ever happen to me, I'm not like all them other girls who have miscarriages.. why me? how me?

The only thing that helped me through this all was talking about it with others who have gone through the same thing. I was so surprised at the amount of people who said that they have had a miscarriage.. even a couple nurses at the hospital told me about theirs. They all told me that it probably wont happen again and it was just an unfortunate situation. I believed them

My fiance and I decided a couple weeks later to have sex (sorry about the info).. We were not careful and after that we decided from now on we were going to use protection until my body could be ready to carry another baby. I did not think that woman could conceive after a miscarriage until after having a menstrual period. I was wrong. A month went by and i never got my period so i decided to take a pregnancy test knowing that my HCG levels were down to 0 from the previous pregnancy. The test was positive. I went in to get a blood test done at the hospital and my HCG levels were 36,000...they were extremely high and so i was hopeful that this one was healthy. Considering my previous miscarriage, the doctor wanted to test my hcg levels in two months. I was so grateful knowing that god was healing our pain and this child was truly sent from heaven. It really did scare me knowing i didn't have any morning sickness. There was only a couple times i felt nauseated... that was it. I went in a couple months later thinking for sure the levels were going up perfectly. They were all the way up to 175,000! I was to go in two days later to see how quickly they go up to determine how far along i was. They went down to 160,000. How could this be?

I prepared myself.

The bleeding and cramping didn't happen for a whole three weeks. It was a waiting game that hurt my heart so terribly knowing i was carrying this child that had passed away. Once the cramping came about, it was worse than i ever experienced before. My fiance took me to the hospital and they basically told me "goodbye."All they told me is that the baby died at 11 weeks according to measurements and I had to go home and deal with all of this alone, again. When i delivered the baby, i didn't know what to do, i was so scared and upset. It looked like a little mini baby. Little bitty arms, legs, hands and feet. About the size of a lime. All i could think of was what my little sweetie would have looked like.

The second pregnancy was easier considering only a couple people knew about it. The doctors had told me that there was probably too much going on in my uterus from the previous miscarriage for this second baby to settle in perfectly. The ultrasound tech did also say that my uterus was tipped back which could complicate things.

My fiance and I have a wedding date set for May 7, 2011 and i dont know if im more excited for that or if im more excited to try again knowing i will go through a few menstrual cycles to clear my body.

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part." 

You can contact Nichole at cananm20@baycollege.edu