Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jenel

Mom to Addisyn

Stillborn on June 29th, 2010 at 12:09 a.m.

Lake Charles, Louisiana

My story starts at the end of August 2009. My boyfriend (now husband) had just proposed, I had just started a new semester in college, and was working full time. We never talked about when we would begin to have children but we both knew it was something that would be a great experience for us.

About a week after my husband proposed I ended up in the hospital. I was in horrific pain and could not move, talk, laugh, or cry without being in the worst pain I had felt. After several tests it was determined that I had E.coli poisoning and it had travelled down and created a small hole in my uterus. The doctors said it would be quite difficult for me to get pregnant and if I did I probably would have a quick miscarriage. We didn't think much about what our future would hold and put off talking about the issue until after I graduated from college.

Obviously my body was playing a joke on these doctors. After I didn't get my cycle at the end of October I knew deep down that I was pregnant. I remember the morning when I took the pregnancy test that gave me the best news of my life. Derrick had just left for work and we had joked with my parents the day before that I was late and "probably" pregnant... Well I was really pregnant. and we were ecstatic. My due date was June 28, 2010.

We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas thinking about all the endless experiences we would have with our child and her step-sister. (Without my step-daughter, I honestly don't know how I would get through some days now.) We had an appointment with the doctor right before we married. We found out the wonderful news that we were expecting a little girl. She was a delightful chipperish one that never gave me morning sickness, did gymnastics at night before bed, and constantly had the hiccups.

Everything seemed to be going on the right track until right after my 36 week appointment. Right after the appointment we headed to the grocery store and as soon as I got out the truck I noticed that I couldn't walk on the ball of my right foot. I didn't really know what the problem was, it just hurt. After about two days of this I called my doctor. He said she was probably just sitting on a nerve and I should take a couple of days off my feet, elevate them, and drink lots of water. So I did. I did that for about two weeks. Some days it wouldn't hurt at all and some days it hurt all day long. I just attributed it to some of the waddling I had sometimes seen pregnant women have.

I went in for our final appointment on Friday, June 25th. My cervix wasn't "ripe" enough so I would be waiting over the weekend and would be induced on Monday. We knew this would be our last weekend with just the two of us so we visited with our friends all Saturday afternoon.  On Sunday around 3 am I felt like I was having contractions so we decided to head to the hospital. I was admitted and hooked up to everything. She had a strong heartbeat and we stayed awhile for some monitoring. While I was having tiny contractions the nurse attributed it to false labor and sent me home 4 hours later. We went to sleep and woke up around noon or so. Honestly, I wasn't paying much attention to if Addisyn was moving much that day or the morning of the next. I was so anxious that she would be arriving soon... We were both a nervous wreck about her actually being here the next day.

We headed to the hospital around 5 pm on Monday (June 28th) afternoon. After being admitted, I was given a room and we started the whole process which got interrupted entirely too soon. The nurse seemed a bit new and she was having trouble "finding" a heartbeat.  Another nurse came in and she said something about Addisyn being somewheres... I don't really remember what she was saying I was just focused on her finding a heartbeat. They called my doctor in whose office is right next door to the hospital. He came over and said he would get the ultrasound machine. Well this ultrasound machine was a bit on the old side so he was having trouble as well. At this point I think someone knew what was going on but just needed to confirm it with up-to-date equipment. He asked that I get back in my clothes and head over to his office to use their ultrasound machine. So we went... and it was confirmed there that the heartbeat was just gone. That moment changed our lives forever. He gave us time to be alone to talk, cry, hold each other, and call our parents to tell them to come to the hospital. I am sure he could see the look on both of our faces. He came back and we asked what our options were... He said no to having a C-section, which no doubt was pretty aggravating. He said we would start inducing that night with the help of a balloon to help with my cervix not dilating. They did the balloon in his office (which was very painful) and then brought me back in a wheelchair to my room at the hospital.

I was pretty much in shock the whole night and on different kinds of medicine. My husband has a huge family and they all came to visit, as well as my family. Everyone came in speechless, hugged us, talked with us a little, then decided to go home and come back tomorrow after she was born. Around 9 pm my doctor said to try to eat something and that she would probably be coming around noon the next day. I tried to eat a little bit of a sandwich but couldn't really stomach anything. The balloon was uncomfortable and made me feel like I had to use the bathroom.

I'm guessing around 11:25 or so I was in the bathroom and was having a hard time using the bathroom.... Apparently the cramps I thought I was having were actually contractions. I also started vomiting what little I had in my stomach. The nurse asked that I get back in the bed so that she could check to see where I was at and I tried to get up to walk but my husband had to come pick me up to put me back in the bed. She lifted up my gown and said, "OKAY, well you are ready to go." I was rather confused. I thought I wasn't delivering until tomorrow??...

They called my doctor and started breaking down my bed.... Lifting my legs everywhere, I was very, very confused. Everything was happening so fast. I got her attention and asked for my epidural. Her reply:: Sweetheart, we don't have any time for you to get an epidural. More confusion and "oh shit, are you freaking kidding me??" I had not prepared AT ALL to have a natural birth with no epidural. All I could think about was how painful this was about to be to deliver our daughter naturally and she was not even going to cry once she was delivered. So my husband and my mother were by my side and pretty soon after that my endorphins kicked in and I was pushing... one, two, three pushes and she's out... and as soon as she was out, I was too... and also snoring.

Addisyn came into this world, silently, on June 29, 2010 at 12:09 am weighing in at 6 pounds 9 ounces. Our family came in and my doctor showed them that there was nothing physically wrong with her and that she didn't have any physical chromosomal abnormalities. I woke up shortly after this and we were able to spend around 4 incredible hours with her. I was on lots of pain and other medication after her delivery so it is difficult to remember all that happened and that is my only regret.

A wonderful photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took the most breathtaking, amazing photographs of her. They are all around our house. They help me remember; along with the photos we have that our family took.

We left the hospital the same day and it was such an empty feeling. We went to the funeral home the next day to make all the necessary plans. We went to a department store and had to pick out everything that she was buried in. We had to tell our friends about what happened and no we didn't know what went wrong or when. On Friday July 2, we had a wonderful service that our family and most of our very close friends attended and we laid our sweet little angel to rest. I don't remember much of this either but I know I thought I was dreaming the whole time. None of this we should have ever had to do.

I later took tons of blood for them to run and I got my results back about 2 weeks after that. I was diagnosed with MTHFR, which causes blood clots and such. She also had a blood clot that had just formed in the placenta. Ultimately, my daughter saved my life. If this disease had not been discovered I could have had a stroke from a blood clot and died. (I have to look at it this way because this is the only logical reason I can comprehend at the moment.) The doctor said with the right medicine and monitoring there is a very, very minimal chance that something like this would ever happen again. The doctor also said I could not be on birth control.

All in all, while it was a horrible situation, I had the best husband, family, friends, doctors, nurses, hospital staff, and NILMDTS photographer I could have ever asked for. Without all of these people, I don't know where I would be now.

The holidays are so rough and I am really ready for them to be over. Every single day is such a challenge to get through. I want to try to have a rainbow baby but am a nervous wreck over being pregnant again. I was so carefree with Addisyn and so naive. I know that even if you get to that final day in your pregnancy, NOTHING in life is ever guaranteed. We miss our daughter so much and will never ever forget about her or stop loving her.

“If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.”

You can contact Jenel at JLR0414@yahoo.com