Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Emily

Mom to Ryder Mark Schitz

May 30th, 2010

St. Louis, Missouri

I didn't think I would ever write about this experience, for more than one reason. One, I didn't even think I would lose a child, that Mark and I would lose a child. (not that anyone ever does) Then after losing a child I didn't think I would ever be able to write about their "birth story."  I worked on this for a long time, I decided not to include pictures though. I have the images in my mind. They will be. there. f-o-r-e-v-e-r. We have a few prints in a special place but I think words are enough for this post.

When I reflect back on the day it was not the typical emotions a mom usually feels. For me, the day I met Wyatt and Ryder was not filled with the normal emotions. We can't go back and change that day and it will forever be "our story."

A little background....

October 2009

I was 4 days "late." (sorry if tmi) Mark and I had recently come up with "our plan." Settled and both agreed we we were going to wait to have children until he was almost out of school. Well....like the title of the book states..."We plan, God laughs." I thought to begin trying to figure out what was going on I needed to weed of the possibility of pregnancy. We were running to Target that night so while we were out we just grabbed a pregnancy test. When we got home I took the test. The rest is history....

5.29.10

It was a Saturday. Mark and I worked outside cleaning up our yard a bit. It was a warm day too! A friend of mine was getting married. The wedding was in St.Louis, kind of. It was about an hour from our house. We attended the wedding that afternoon. I felt nothing out of the ordinary..I mean I was HUGE at this point. I was 35 weeks 6 days. We didn't go to the reception so after the wedding we grabbed a bite to each with our friends (Mexican might I add). After dinner we went back home. 

I went to sleep that night just like I had been for almost 9 months, on my side with 2 pillows. One pillow to hold up my GIGANTIC belly and the other between my legs. I woke up around 1a.m. with back pain. I didn't really have back pain throughout my pregnancy ( I owe it all to being adjusted MY ENTIRE pregnancy. I mean who can gain blah pounds, carry twins for 36 weeks and not have back pain...ok..off my soap box there.) so I knew something wasn't right. 

Last time I went to the Dr. I was dilated to about a 1 1/2 and was 80% effaced(sp?). My Dr. told me once I had 6 contractions an hour to come in. I started counting. I had 6 in 33 minutes. During this time I tried to wake Mark twice and he was still not all the way awake. When the 7th contraction came I REALLY tried to wake him. Finally he was listening to what I was saying...so we decided to pack up and head to the hospital. It was around 2 a.m. at this point. On the way to the hospital we called our parents and Mark's brother. We got checked in and settled at the hospital. The nurses immediately started trying to find the babies heartbeats using the monitors on the outside of my belly. The boys heart rates we always REALLY close so it was hard to find both. This went on for at least an hour. 

My Dr. just left the building for home. He had completed 5 deliveries and he needed to get some sleep. The on-call Dr. attempted to find the heartbeats. She finally decided to just bring in the ultrasound to be able to see where/how they were laying to try to locate the heartbeats. I was still have contractions at this point and they weren't really hurting but were uncomfortable for sure. While looking at the screen she was struggling trying to find one of the babies...she stated she finally found it but that they were laying right on top of each other so she didn't know if she could get both with the outside monitors. 

At this point they decided to check and see if I was dilated or if they were going to send me home. I was about 4 cm and 90% effaced. I was staying!!! When they called my Dr. he said he was on his way up and they were going to break my water so they could put an internal monitor on one of the boys to be able to watch things a bit closer. The nurses were kinda going crazy at this point because I still didn't even have an IV in yet. When my Dr. arrived he broke my water...which WAS NOT EASY. It took a LONG time, when it finally happened it took FOREVER to stop. (sorry about tmi) 

My Dr. then began trying to hook up the internal fetal monitor. He tried and tried. After a while of trying he decided to do an ultrasound himself. During this ultrasound there was tension. It grew....until finally our Dr. said we need to go ahead and deliver by c-section! It was just like that my world was turned upside down. I remember Mark praying aloud and me being wheeled off.....I was rushed into the OR. Inside there was lots of nurses, many Dr. came running in and I remember asking for Mark. They began prepping me for surgery. I was completly put under, Mark was not allowed in the room. I was finished in less than 6 mins. There was no magical moment, no "holding the baby," seeing Wyatt...hearing Wyatt, looking at Mark. We had none of that. I was all the way put to sleep and Mark was kept outside the room. (that situation puts a whole new meaning to emergancy c-section)

When I awoke I was in a room with Mark, the Dr. and my 2 precious boys. Mark looked at me, a look I will NEVER forget and said "Ryder didn't make it." Ryder's cord was wrapped around his neck. Mark was holding both our boys but one was already sitting on Jesus's lap. While I was put under I was given drugs to help me stay calm in this situation. It hurts my chest to even type this. Words don't even describe the feeling. There was already LOTS of family there. Mark was the one who had to share the news. What a tough job. My sister called some friends and also explained the situation so we would not have to continue to tell the story.  I held him....Ryder was EXACTLY like Wyatt, a little smaller but identical.

I wish that day we would have spent some more time as a family, a family of 4 here on Earth but we didn't. I can't go back...I will cling tight to the time we spent together.

When I saw Wyatt for the first time...oh...again no words to even describe the feeling. It was really hard to have emotion, I was so numb. It wasn't the "normal" first time mommy holding her child. I look/looked at him and see Ryder then and still now. He was so precious. (and still is...!!!)

The next few days were so hard. We cried a lot. Smiled and laughed a lot too! There were so many emotions. We had tons of visitors. There were and still are so many people praying for us. I know this birth story was written even before we experienced it. God knows what he is doing, for some reason he gave this to Mark and I. He doesn't give us something we can't handle...that's what I keep telling myself over and over and over again. Boy, he must thing we are strong!

Mark and I came home on Wednesday and spent time as a family. We cleaned out and reorganized the nursery...really hard to do. Lots of tears. I remember I kept thinking about how this was "supposed" to be...bringing your first child home from the hospital....it's such a joy.

Then Saturday, June 5...will forever be one of the worst days of my life. Mark and I buried our child. The same man who married us did the service. He did a great job. We kept the funeral small, just immediate family was there.

We continue to stay focused on the Lord. We know this is his plan. He knew this before we even knew we were expecting! Some days are harder than others be we have the Lord to lean on in hard times (and the good time too!). I thank him daily for an amazing husband and supporting family. It's times like these you either choose to grow closer or let something tear you apart. Mark and I have chosen as a couple to grow stronger. We lean on each other and rely on God as our backbone.

We have realized this isn't something you "get through." It will be here forever, sometimes that's harder to swallow than others. It will never go away. Time and the Lord will heal our pain.

Emily blogs at http://lifeofemilyschmitz.blogspot.com/

You can contact her at mremschmitz@gmail.com