Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Brianna

Mom to Jae Marie

Stillborn November 17th, 2010

Schofield Barracks, Wahiawa, Hawaii

I found out at a routine ultrasound that our baby girl had chromosomal abnormalities.  After having an amniocentesis done we found out she had triploidy.  We decided to carry her to full term in hopes to give her a chance but lost her at 31 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  This is her birth story from my blog.

Jae Marie Montanez

She was delivered November 17, 2010 at 9:16 in the morning. She had already gone back to heaven.

I had actually gone to a checkup doctors appointment the day before and when they went to check the heartbeat, they couldn't find anything. I was 31 weeks and 5 days pregnant, she however had stopped growing at 22 weeks. They told me to come in that night to be induced.

I didn't want Jack to have to spend the night in a place he had never been before so I figured Jose would stay at home during the night and when they woke up, he would drop Jack off and join me at the hospital. I assumed being induced would take awhile so there was no point in Jose sleeping in uncomfortable chairs and Jack being scared staying the night with other people. The whole night before Jose dropped me off I felt confident in myself that I would be fine and could do it on my own. When he did actually drop me off, it was a different story. I was so nervous and kept second guessing myself if I could do it. I really wanted Jose to be with me but I had to keep reminding myself that it was more important he was with Jack.

I started having contractions around midnight. They weren't particularly bad but my back started hurting pretty bad so I asked for something to ease the pain a little. It worked for the cramping and making the rest of my body relaxed which is why I'm guessing my water broke shortly after. It hadn't helped with my back and after my water broke I was thrown into full blown back labor. My contractions were quite literally one on top of the other. I was lucky to get a couple seconds break. I was only 3 centimeters dilated but figured why put myself through all this extra pain so I got a epidural shortly after. I think I had maybe gotten about half an hour of sleep after that when the doctor came in to check me. He said that I was completely ready to push and the baby was actually already really low. I really wanted Jose to be there with me so I woke him and had him get ready quickly and drop Jack off. This was all around 7:30 in the morning. The doctors said that there was no need to push since the baby had already passed so if I wanted Jose to be there I literally could not move and resist any urge I had to push. So that was difficult but miraculously I was able to do it. Jose walked in at 9:05 and I paged the nurse. They had me do a practice push but she slid out so easily that when they told me stop pushing to be able to get everything ready, she was already coming out on her own. She was only 1 pound 4 ounces and 12 inches long. She was a tiny little thing! It was surreal to see that even as under developed as was, I could see the resemblance to us and to Jack. I really think that if she had made it to full term and born healthy she would have looked just like JackJack.

For the rest of the day the nurses and doctors just let us have time with her on our own holding her. It was nice to be able to have some time with her.
 

I'm afraid I will forever curse our children with big heads and big feet with long toes. Little Jae had my feet to the T. Long, with a ginormous big first toe, and the other toes long and monkey like :)

It was really hard when we said our goodbyes (or our "see you laters") and they wheeled her out. Not till then did it really feel real that she was gone. I know one day we will see her again and I take comfort in knowing that. I know she is being taken care of and I don't need to worry about her.

As for us, I know we will be fine. It's definitely going to take awhile for me to feel normal again. It's such a weird feeling to be going through this. I feel "fine" because I know she is being taken care of and I know that all of this happened to us for a reason and that God has a plan in this but I can't help but be a little depressed that I won't be able to take my little girl to Disneyland in her lil minnie shoes and pigtails with her big brother.

I will miss her very much, we all will.
Little Baby Jae....we love you and can't wait to see you again!

Where I will go, I am not so small.
My soul is as wide as the world is tall.
I have gone to answer the call, the call
Of the One who takes care of us all.
Wherever you look, you will find me there-
In the heart of a rose, in the heart of a prayer.
On butterflies' wings, on wings of my own,
To you, I'm gone,
But I'm never alone-
I'm over the moon, I am home.

I will miss feeling your butterfly kisses! 

Brianna blogs at http://briannamontanez.blogspot.com 

You can contact her at brianna.montanez@yahoo.com