Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Amy

Mom to Baby Fletcher, Lost August 2008

and Baby Fletcher, Lost October 2009

Bloomington, Indiana

My first loss occurred in 2008. I had recently lost my father to cancer and went through a terrible divorce. In the midst of my grief I met the most wonderful man that became my rock and shoulder to cry on. In the summer of 2008, (and after only a few months together) we learned we were pregnant.

 My first reaction to the unplanned pregnancy was panic. I had three children from my previous marriage and had resigned myself that I was done having children. (I had struggled with that fact many years earlier when my then husband made that decision for us. It took me a long time to come to terms with the reality that my daughter would never have a chance to have a sister and I would never experience the joy of another child.) It took me awhile to realize I had been given a blessing that I had always wanted. The situation wasn’t ideal (as I was divorced, unmarried and pregnant) but it was a blessing none the less.

We went to the first physician appointment. My boyfriend was thrilled. This was his first child and he couldn’t have been happier. We had an ultrasound and everything looked normal…nothing out of the ordinary. The next day I received a call that my hormone levels were low and I was at risk for a miscarriage. I had never experienced any problems with my other three pregnancies so I was confident everything would be okay. I went back to the doctor for more blood tests the next day and later that afternoon I starting bleeding. I was still confident everything would be okay until I received a call from my doctor. My hormone levels were even lower than the day before and I would miscarry within the next two weeks. I was absolutely devastated. I didn’t want to tell my boyfriend. He was so excited about the pregnancy. He had drove to the airport to pick up family that was coming in town and I didn’t want to tell him in front of his family. I finally decided to call him but I couldn’t utter the words that the pregnancy we had talked and talked about for the last few weeks was going to end. Those dreams and plans we had been making was over. When we were back together that evening, he held me in his arms and we cried for hours.

It took two weeks for me to pass the embryo. I had no idea it would be so painful…both physically and mentally. I blamed myself because I was under so much stress from losing my father and helping my children adjust to our new life. I was certain the loss was due to the stress.

After the loss, my fiancé and I decided we did want to have a child together but we wanted to wait. Fast forward a year to the summer of 2009. We were ecstatic to learn we were pregnant. It only took us two months to conceive. I was in a much better place emotionally and our relationship was stronger than ever. Everything seemed perfect. To celebrate, we went on a trip to The Smokey Mountains. It was just the two of us and we had an awesome week.

On the way home from our vacation, I started getting cramps. I didn’t have any bleeding so I thought everything was okay. I didn’t say anything to my fiancé as not to worry him.  I was almost 11 weeks pregnant so I was close to that “magic number” of twelve weeks when everything would be fine. I had been to the doctor with the pregnancy but wasn’t scheduled for an ultrasound until the following week. I took a nap that evening and when I woke I was bleeding. We went to the ER immediately.

The doctor in the Emergency Room was very kind and told me how common it is to bleed during early pregnancy. She was sure everything would be fine. She instructed the nurse to use the Doppler to try to find a heartbeat. I took a deep breath and prayed that I would hear that precious sound of a baby’s heartbeat. My fiancé held my hand and it seemed like the nurse was searching forever for the heartbeat. Nothing…there was nothing. The doctor suggested it might be too early to find it so she would send me for an ultrasound.

My fiancé wasn’t allowed to be in the room for the ultrasound so I had to leave him in the hall. That was devastating…I didn’t want to be alone. I tried making small talk with the ultrasound technician to calm my nerves but she was very clinical. My heart was racing and all I could do was pray. Initially the screen was facing me but the tech quickly turned it away. I’ve had many ultrasounds with my other pregnancies and I knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t recognize anything on the screen during the few seconds I got to see it. The technician said she couldn’t discuss anything with me so I was sent back to my room to wait for the doctor.

During the hour we waited for the doctor, my fiancé and I discussed what I didn’t see on the screen and how we could possibly cope with another loss. I struggled to hold back tears and continued to pray. As we suspected, when the doctor returned she informed us there were signs of a pregnancy but it had terminated. We both cried and cried. She also informed us she suspected a molar pregnancy and I was to follow up with my physician the next day.

I ended up receiving a  D&C and learned it was not a molar pregnancy. That was a blessing. I had to return to my physician several times for follow up and it was hard to cope with the happy, pregnant ladies in the waiting room. On one occasion, as I sat in the room waiting for my doctor, I heard the baby’s heartbeat in the room next door. I couldn’t contain my sorrow. I was angry, hurt, sad, frustrated…I didn’t know what to do with my emotions.

My fiancé and I signed up for a grief class but was unable to make the first meeting. By the second meeting we were pregnant again so I didn’t want to go to the class. I was afraid if anyone found out I was pregnant, it would be hard for them to cope with. I knew how I felt after two losses…I hated pregnant women. So, I never really dealt with my grief.

We ended up having a successful pregnancy recently and are blessed with our little angel. It was difficult to enjoy the pregnancy as I was always worried it wouldn’t last. I didn’t want to be hurt again. I really didn’t acknowledge the pregnancy until the end of the second trimester and I continued to worry until the minute our daughter arrived.

I often feel guilty that I pushed our losses aside to concentrate on the new pregnancy and now our daughter. I don’t want our two angels in heaven to be less important than our angel here on earth. I don’t want to concentrate on the grief but I want to remember our losses and that is why I chose to write my story.

If anything positive came from our situation, it is that I can relate to other women who have experienced the same loss. I want to do something with the pain and I’m thankful to the ladies who created this site. It would have been easier to push it all away or stay angry but you did something positive. Thank you for giving us an outlet to heal.

You can contact Amy at amybrow@indiana.edu