Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Christina

Mommy to my Angel Babies

Baby Boy Brown June 12th, 2007 (27 weeks gestation)
Baby Girl Brown September 17th, 2010 (15 weeks 2 days)
Clearwater, FL

Why is it people cannot talk about miscarriage an infant loss?  Why is this such a taboo subject?  It shouldn't be especially when you do nothing wrong...  I DID nothing wrong.  

My husband and I have been together for ten years, we had talked about having children and magically we found ourselves pregnant.  We conceived right about New Years in 2007.  Everything was how it should be growing at the expected rate, gaining the expected rate, can hear the heartbeat never had an early ultrasound.  21 weeks we are scheduled for our anatomy scan we are so excited to find out the gender start thinking names etc....  The tech is going and talking and said do you want to know the sex we say yes she says "IT'S A BOY!!!  Oh my God my husband will have a son!  Then we see her typing taking pictures, typing taking pictures we ask everything ok?  She said "I'm not going to lie, no it's not there are some problems and I need to bring the doctor in." I started crying... Hysterically.  We wait and wait for the doctor to come in the tech comes in and moves us to the doctor's office.  I KNEW we were getting bad news, when the first sentence out of the doctor's mouth is "Are you Catholic?" I knew our baby boy was very sick.  

Our son was sick, very sick, in fact terminal and every doctor we saw couldn't believe I was still naturally carrying him.  He had multiple fetal anomalies including anecephaley where instead of a brain he had fluid, no brain stem, his left side of his heart including aorta did not develop, and was a lot smaller than should be, he also had a two vessel cord instead of a three vessel.  

We ended up delivering- he already was to heaven on June 12th 2007.  I never got to see or hold him or touch him they had me so drugged I don't even know if I asked for the record I know I wanted to see and hold I just dont know if I said it.  That has ate at me for over three years.  I HATE and loathe myself for not getting the chance to see him and I HATE the doctor for not giving me the chance.  I do however LOVE the nurses that sent me home with his footprints and other mementos but mainly the footprints I cherish.  They were perfect little feet with ten tiny toes.  I never saw him but I know he was perfect too.  

We did get pregnant a few months later that resulted in a healthy son and I am blessed and I KNOW that, I know the pain I know the heartache of not having your baby...  I know it and my heart bleeds for every woman going through this.  

This year my husband and I were bouncing around the idea of giving a sibling to our son, thought we had a good age gap with Hayden our son being two.  Well little did we know that on my son's 2nd birthday I was already pregnant!!!  We were so ecstatic!!!  We go in, they of course after our first loss ultrasound and test me early on.  I go in at 12 weeks 5 days and we have the ultrasound everything looks good baby healthy, heartbeat strong everything is good.  They do see a small clot: Sub chorionic Hematoma (SCH)but it poses no risk to baby and it IS NOT in the placenta so the nurse calls me later and says we are going to do a follow up ultrasound in a few weeks to see if the SCH is gone...  

September 17th, 2010 the worst day of my life- I am 15 weeks 3 days...  We are OVER THE MOON HAPPY we are going to see baby again our tech should be able to tell the gender we are all sitting talking she puts the wand to my belly....  My tech (who is the sweetest woman you will EVER meet) says and I quote, "What the F***?" Her face drops and she's like Christina I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry there is no heartbeat I don't know how or why but there is no heartbeat.  I am crying, my husband is crying.  I tell him to take our son and go home- I'll talk to the doctor and see him at home.  I talked to the doctor we decide (well I decide they told me it's whatever I want).  Well I want an induction the baby evidently had passed the week before- I wasn't "letting nature" take its course, (FYI you CAN get sick OR die from infection if baby doesn't come out in a short enough time).  Anyways I asked my husband to stay home with our son and I went to the hospital alone...  My staff begged me to call someone and I refused I only wanted my husband and I wanted him with our son at home.  

They started induction at 10 am, I delivered my little baby at 10:55 pm on 9/17/2010 alone and drug free at the time both the doctor and I thought the baby was a boy upon the autopsy and everything the internal organs are that of a female.  We also did do testing and nothing came back.  Absolutely nothing the ONLY thing the autopsy showed was a, "small irregular soft spot at base of spine." That of course tells me nothing.  After delivery I had time to hold my baby, cry over her, talk and say I'm sorry.  

As a mother (whether living or angels children) you will always blame yourself and I told my baby I'm sorry I couldn't have been a better mother and carried you to term.  I'm sorry we don't get the life I have envisioned since your conception.  I'm sorry you have to meet your older brother in Heaven but together you two will play.  

After my delivery things didn't go so well and after 3 hours of hands and tools in me trying to get the placenta out and a few doses of pain meds that did nothing for pain. I was "forced" to have surgery.  The longer you go with the placenta the more likely you can bleed out.  I remember crying when the anesthesiologist said we are fully anestiatizing you and tubing you, honey I'm sorry.  I remember telling him please don't let me die I haven't seen my husband or my toddler and I haven't told them I love you.  They wheel me to surgery and the last thing I remember was gripping that nurses hand so tight and my doctor pushing on my throat to make me inhale the gas.......  I had the nurses take my baby away prior to surgery, I was afraid of what I might do if I saw her after.  I made my peace with her and with our first child by getting to see, hold, and talk to this one.   

I have been asked why I didn't name these babies.  With the first, my son I never got to see him, how do you name someone you haven't seen?  I didn't know if he looked like a Jacob, a Tommy, a Lincoln, an Avery and we had no names in mind what so ever so I couldn't and didn't.  One of the many things I regret with him.  Frankly with my little girl I would have except I didn't feel it was fair to our son whom we didn't get to name.  Not that it matters it doesn't make the pain any less it doesn't make the hurt fade any quicker by naming or not naming.
 

I just want my story out there if it helps 1 woman I have done my job.  There is a lot more to these stories I haven't shared and feel free to ask me.  My children are part of me and my history and no one will make me pretend they never happened.  My children happened and I love them and they have gone to heaven I have no problem talking about them even with my little girl only being gone... 6 weeks tomorrow 10/29/2010....Life isn't fair and sometimes you get dealt a deck of crappy cards.  You have to make the best of the situation.  If you have done nothing wrong you should feel no shame.  NO ONE should tell you when to "get over it" and the worse thing anyone can tell you is, "Oh you can have another." I have heard this over and over.  People don't know what to say with infant loss and miscarriage.  It shouldn't be like that.  Be sad, cry be pissed that's the phase I'm in now I am pissed, pissed this happened again but you know at the same time I am a little happy (don't take that the wrong way) I'm "happy" because THIS time, it was my rules, my way and I got to say goodbye.....
 

Know that the pain never stops but it fades, things get easier life moves on you cannot beat yourself up and you cannot keep yourself in the rut of sadness, I'm in anyway saying get over the loss.  But for your own benefit try to heal as best you can.  I am 25 IF I can go through TWO mid to late trimester losses you can do this.  It's okay to be sad, remember your child HOW YOU want to.  

You can contact Christina at wifeymom2009@hotmail.com