Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Brooke

Mom to Baby Perry-Hall, a twin 

Lost on April 7th, 2007 at 7 weeks gestation

and Lily Marie Perry-Hall

Died at 7 weeks, 3 days gestation, Removed at 12 weeks 3 days on March 13th, 2009

Hibiscus Coast, Auckland, New Zealand

I had only just got together with my partner Stephen when I was booked in to have a day surgery to find out if I had endometriosis.  On the 24^th February 2007  I had the key hole surgery as I came out of the anaesthetic they told me that I did not have endometriosis but that my tubes were bi-laterally blocked and that I could not have children naturally, but that I had to come back in 6 weeks for further tests and surgery to see how badly blocked my tubes were.

I went home devastated, but to my shock on the 25^th of March 2007 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, I was over the moon and I wanted to shout it from the roof tops.  I was five weeks pregnant, so I had fallen pregnant pretty much straight away after the surgery.  Anyway as I started the beginning of 6 weeks my morning sickness kicked in and it was bad and my blood pressure went through the roof.  My doctor put me on bed rest and gave me natural ideas to help with the morning sickness. I did as I was told as I was going to risk anything happening to my miracle of life...

On the 7^th of April at 1.30 in the morning I got up to go to the toilet, as I went to wipe I felt my waters break and ended up with my baby in my hand, I screamed and I cried and I don’t think I have ever screamed so much... I watched my baby start to decompose in my hand by this stage my partner took bubba away and helped me to bed. 

The next day I went to the doctor and he confirmed what I went through was definitely a miscarriage.  I didn’t know how to react after that, I felt numb and just like the world moved around me in fast forward. 

Anyway at what would of been 9 weeks pregnant I was still feeling unwell so I took another test and I was pregnant!!! I was straight to the doctors and he sent me for a scan.. they confirmed that I had been pregnant with twins that I had lost one and that I had kept a baby.  I was in so much shock, I was scared and every time I went to the toilet I would panic even up to the day I went into labour. 

Alex is 3 on the 7^th November 2010 and he helped me come to terms with the loss and I look at him every day I can see his sibling is there with him still a part of our lives.

Our next baby was another unplanned Angel and I found out on the 20 February 2009 that I was pregnant I wasn’t  too sure of dates but I figured that I was about 7 weeks (I was on holiday when I found out)

So when I got home from my holiday I went to the doctor and they confirmed that I was actually 11 weeks not 7 like I thought, I was over the moon I had got past my point where I had lost Alex’s twin and I knew that I was going to be safe.

At  11 weeks and 2 days I started to bleed a little and by the time my midwife got me in for a scan I was 12 weeks.  As I lay and waited to see my baby on screen at the ultrasound the sonographer said that my bladder was to full and that I should go to the toilet which I did.  While I was out of the room the sonographer turned to my partner and let him know that she was doing an internal because she could not see a heartbeat.

When I came back into the room after going to the toilet I noticed that my partner Steve looked very shocked, but I didn’t think anymore of it as I just wanted to see our baby.  So I hopped back up onto the bed and they did an internal scan, when I saw baby the lady said that bubba was only 7 weeks 3 days, so I asked if I had my dates wrong, she looked at me and said I am so sorry but there is no heartbeat.  My first question crazy as it was, is there just one baby this time.  She had a look around and sure enough there was only one baby.

The sonographer left the room and I have never cried so much.  We left radiology and headed home.  I contacted my midwife and she said to call her when I get home and we would take it from there.

When I got home I called my midwife and she explained that they would have to do surgery to remove bubba as obviously bubba had knitted well to the wall and was not going to release on their own.. I walked around that afternoon in a blur, I took the phone call from the hospital and they told me the earliest they could get me in was Friday (it was a Wednesday when I found out).

I organised a friend to have Alex for me for the day, Steve took the next few days off work and we went about living life as normal as we could until the Friday.  As hard as it was I was so lucky to have amazing friends who supported me and loved me and stayed up late at night with me talking and sharing hugging and crying.

Friday came and we went through to the hospital they got me ready and I only had to wait an hour to go in for surgery (there were four other woman there also having the same procedure) so was nice to know I was not alone in my pain.

When they took me down to surgery they asked me if I wanted to keep my baby and at the time this was something I couldn’t handle and I said no, I kick myself now I wish I had somewhere to go to grieve to talk to my baby to lay flowers to say this is my angel.

The months that followed I bottled, I functioned on no sleep and lots of coffee and once again my wee man Alex and Steve were my sanity they helped me through the hard days and made my good days so much better. 

About two months after my procedure Steve and I decided to name our Angel, even though we didn’t know the sex I knew in my heart that my baby would of been a little girl and I was truely taken with the name Lily so we named our angel Lily.

It has nearly been two years since Lily passed on and every day I think about her some days are harder than others this year on the 11^th March (a year since we found out that she was dead) was devastating as I lost my grandmother two days before.  So that week will forever be ingrained in my mind.

But I now know that my Lily has her Nanny G and Poppa A with her as well as Baby Perry-Hall.

You can contact Brooke at angeleyesgreen@windowslive.com