Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Audrey

Mama to Two tiny, tiny little angels

Baby Bird 1, Lost September 6th, 2009

Baby Bird 2, Lost August 24th, 2010

Ellijay, Georgia

I was first diagnosed with endometriosis three years ago after having a huge cyst rupture. I'd had the symptoms for years without even realizing it could be something else other than a really bad menstrual cycle.  I was told my chance of conceiving was about 7%, and that the disease progressed with time. I'd always wanted a big family, with several children, so I took the news hard. Luckily for me I was engaged to be married in a month, so my now husband and I decided to start trying right away. God blessed us with a healthy son nine months later.

 

We decided we would wait a few months, and then try again, as my endometriosis began progressing again after our son was born. Four months later we conceived. I was ecstatic. Began making plans to tell our families, thinking of names, never thinking that anything would happen--I'd just had a problem free pregnancy and delivery. But a week and a half later I started bleeding. It was just spotting so I wasn't concerned, until it got heavier. The doctor wouldn't even see me. I was told it was an early miscarriage, happens all the time, nothing they could do about it. I cried. I got the usual unintentionally painful comments. The classic "At least it was early." and "At least you already have one healthy child" and the big one "it was God's will". It didn't make it any less painful. I know there are women out there that have it worse. I can't imagine their pain. But just because I never heard my child's heartbeat, or saw it on a screen, or held it in my arms does not make it any less of a loss. I lost a baby. Not a bundle of cells. We waited a few weeks and jumped back into the ttc cycle.

 

It took us another 12 months to conceive again. When I got those two little pink lines I freaked. I took it to everyone in the house (we were staying at my husbands parents house in CA visiting) to make sure I wasn't just imagining it. I called my husband sobbing. He was really worried about why I was crying until I finally got it out. "I'm pregnant again!" I was even happier than I was with my previous pregnancy.  My son quickly learned there was a baby in my tummy. He would put his hand on my stomach and say, "baby." I called everyone and announced it. My husband was nervous about telling everyone so soon but I couldn't wait. I laughed it off and thought that surely it wouldn't happen to me twice. One night I had sharp pains when I went to bed. Worry quickly started to envelope me. The pains got worse throughout the night, and the next morning my husband found me rocking and crying on the toilet. All I could say was, "Please God, no, Please Not again, no" over and over again." I kept having these stupid little hopes that it was just spotting but in my heart I knew it wasn't. It was way too much and way too bright. And the pain- It was beyond any cramping pain I'd ever had before. Later that day it was confirmed. I'd lost another baby. I didn't think I would ever stop crying. I cried, and I cried. My poor son was so good entertaining himself that week. Between the pain in my heart and the pain in my body I couldn't function. And then came the comments again. And I snapped. I told people off, I got angry. I was impatient and distant.  I distanced myself from my husband and stopped caring. If I didn't have my son I don't know what would have happened, but I eventually got back into routine. I had to take care of him. Meanwhile my relationship with my husband was still suffering. We starting trying again but my heart was gone, it felt like. So that started getting further and further spaced out.

 

I don't know what it was but I came to a point where I realized what I was doing. My husband was suffering too.  And he had to deal with me on top of it. I started making efforts to bring us closer again and once again our relationship is flourishing. That was three months ago. We are still trying for another child, and I feel like I need to let go and let God, because He does have a plan. It doesn't make me miss those tiny ones that I'll never hold in my arms any less, or take away ANY of the pain I still feel, but it does give me hope for the future. I'm still having a hard time with the letting go part. I track and test and plan obsessively. It is always on my mind. But I'm working on it. And we won't stop trying, until the day comes that I may need surgery to remove my ovaries or uterus. It is a disease that has me in pretty much constant pain to some degree. Sometimes I can't move or get out of bed, and sometimes its just a tired, dull ache in my pelvis. But It is always there. I don't even remember what it feels like to not have any pelvic pain. But its worth it to me to keep trying and not take the hormone treatments to stop the pain and inflammation. I am ready for whatever number of children He decides to bless me with. And if I don't have any more children (and I'm crying as I write this, I'm definitely not as stoic as I'm sounding here)  then I pray he gives me peace and understanding and heals my heart. Because I know there is a plan, and that one day I'll have all my babies with me. And I'll get to know them as I didn't here on earth.