Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Tara

Mom to Vayda Sue

Born November 2nd, 2009

Died November 5th, 2009

Franklin, Indiana

I feel as though my story is a little different than most.  I met my boyfriend at a dance studio.  I was the teacher and he was the student.  I met him when I was 20 years old while he was 56.  Age is nothing to me, but that is a big leap...just sayin'.  He took lessons for a year and that's when our teacher/student relationship turned into something more.  I didn't tell anyone, because number one it was against policy and more importantly number two our age difference.  I wasn't quite sure where this relationship was going to go.  About two months later it all had to come out.  Still not sure where this relationship was going I quit my job.  Not just because of the relationship, but it definitely helped push it.  

 

Three weeks went by and I was just 2 days late on my period and I just new I was pregnant!  I took four test...all positive.  My first reaction was, "No, this can't happen, I don't want this right now, and now what?"  My boyfriend was on a cruise at the time so I had to tell him over the phone.  I quickly got over the first reaction and became excited.  I knew I loved this man, we talked about the future, and he said he would have a child with me.  I got the pregnancy confirmed, I officially moved in with him, and I looked into medicaid, because I didn't have a job.  It took FOREVER to get on medicaid!  I finally went to the doctor at 16 weeks gestation.  The following week I went in for an ultrasound and found out I was having a girl!  I immediately went shopping to look for a little something girly.  I found these cute pink shoes.  I was pretty excited. 

 

I got a call the following week from the doctors office and they told me there was an abnormality they found on the ultrasound and wanted to send me to a specialist the next day.  I told my boyfriend and layed in bed and cried.  I called my mom and we all thought everything will be ok.  I went to the specialist and they found fluid in the heart, stomach, brain, and scalp.  They said that usually links to Down Syndrome.  I had an amniocentesis and all results came back negative.  I kept going back so they could bring in more specialist and they couldn't seem to find out what was wrong.  The doctor I was seeing said she thinks it will probably get worse.  So, she sent me to a IU Medical Center to give birth so I would be close to Riley Hospital for children.

 

I had many ultrasounds and echos and lab test and an MRI and still they couldn't find anything that could be causing these problems.  I sat down with my doctor and he said we just don't know.  The MRI results came back and they said just a normal case of hyrdocephelus.  And they said, "Hopeful".  All lab test came back negative and Vayda seemed to be doing better.  She was growing, fluid was decreasing, but her heart became slightly too large and they weren't sure what would happen when she was born.  I was very hopeful...I had every reason to be.  They kept telling me she's a miracle baby, because she kept progressing. 

 

During the pregnancy I kept thinking this is the worse thing to go through emotionally.  Not know what was going to happen when you give birth to your first child.  I had never gone through a pregnancy let alone a hard one.  It was unbelievably tough.  But, I stayed strong and hopeful and we did everything normal as if she was going to come out healthy and wonderful.  I was so careful during my pregnancy...I wouldn't even eat a hotdog or drink caffeine.  I stayed away from anything that I read that could've been harmful to the baby.  I took my vitamins....everything I could've done that normal pregnant woman should do I did. 

 

To be prepared we scheduled a c-section at 38 weeks gestation.  I asked my doctor what he truely thought the outcome would be and he said she would probably just need to be taken care of in our NICU.  Well, he was wrong.  When Vayda was born her lungs collapsed.  They immediately took her to Riley.  I went to my room and the neonatologist came in to talk to me.  I didn't really know what she was saying at first, but I do remember hearing that they didn't think she would make it past the night.  Still I was hopeful.  After the numbness wore off 7 hours later I got to meet my daughter.  She had tubes and things coming out from everywhere.  She was on a ventilator and a jet.  She was so perfect on the outside!  She was beautiful!  She looked just like me. : )  But, she had her Dad's big ol' toe and her sisters (my boyfriends daughter) nose.  I just couldn't understand how she could look so perfect on the outside, but have so many little things hurting her body on the inside.  She had high biliruben levels that kept climbing and somethings would get better, but not enough to make a difference.  At one point she was at the highest level of help (as far as oxygen and things) that there was no place to go up.  But, again I was still hopeful she would come out of this.  But, her biliruben levels just kept going up.  And her red blood cells were killing faster than she was making them.  She had so many blood transfusions.  And tons of test done.  Still no answer.  Her skin turned darker becausse of the biliruben.  And I did find out she was most likely blind.  But, she did open her eyes to try to see me!!

   

Vayda held on for three days and started to have seizures.  I had the option to take her off the vents and hold her in my arms as she passed or be sleeping and wake up to a phone call.  I chose to let her go.  The nurses kept her comfortable, her daddy and I got to hold her for the first time, and with all of her family by her and my side she passed in my arms.  She took a few breaths on her own and she held on for a little while.  But, in the end she had to go.  I was so lucky to have such love and support and to carry this wonderful little human being.  The next day we did get to spend some time with her and nap with her in my arms and I studied her, because I knew I wouldn't see her again.

 

It's almost been a year and I've accepted what has happened, but what I struggle with the most is I'm in limbo.  My boyfriend who I still love with every bit of my heart will not try for another child.  He has many reason that are valid, but it puts me in a...I don't know....not so happy situation.  I have to move on not only from not being able to have a child with the man I love, but also parting from the man I love.  I have to find a new career, a new life, and who knows how long it'll be before I have a child I can keep.

 

To explain the beauty of my daughter...I don't have a lot of time to go off of, but I have a lot of thoughts.  I could keep going.  If you have a similar story I would love to hear about it.  Most of the time I find stories where they are pregnant or have had 100 healthy babies after or before.

 

You can contact Tara at tara_xx326@yahoo.com