Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Lisa

Mom to Jasper Thomas

March 4th, 2009 to March 6th, 2009

and 3 early miscarriages

February 2007 at 5 weeks 6 days

November 2007 at 5 weeks 1 day

and May 2008 at 4 weeks 2 days

Citrus Springs, Florida

I first found out about you on Sept 30, 2008. I was at work and thinking about going to get pregnancy tests all morning. I had a very strong feeling that you were there. Finally, it was 12:20 and I rushed out to buy those tests. I was so anxious to test that I don’t even think I ate lunch that day. When I got back to work I rushed into the bathroom and took that pregnancy test. I was so afraid to look at the test that my heart was beating so fast and so loud. It was very dark in the bathroom and was very hard to see the test, so I brought it into the laundry room where it was very bright. There were two lines; I started crying. You were going to be the dream baby I always wanted.

Right away I called My R.E. (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to tell them the happy news and so that I can get a blood pregnancy test done. They faxed the script for the blood work right away to a lab where I always have my blood drawn and went and had it done right after work. I knew I wouldn’t get the results until the next day because I had to go so late in the day. I spent all night and all morning worried about this test even though the first blood pregnancy test doesn’t matter it’s the ones to follow because in order for you to be growing like you should the number for the blood pregnancy test has to double within 48 hours. When I finally got that call my heart was racing and I started to shake in fear. It was Theresa a nurse from the clinic she started by telling me the number is very low and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up, then she told me the number was 8 and I became very worried because I feared you weren’t growing like you should, but then again I tested a week before I missed my period so I figured it might be low just didn’t think it would be that low. I wasn’t going to give up that easy. I told her I took another test in the morning and it was darker then yesterdays test. When she told the Dr. this she called me back and told me she will be faxing the lab with another order for another blood test that needs to be done on Oct 2nd and that she was going to send me some more orders for more blood tests in the mail.

October was a very hard and long month. We went through happy, sad, upsetting, and even more happy times this month. Oct 2nd I went right after work to get the blood work done and again had to wait until the next day to get the results. The dreaded wait finally ends sometime around noon. I held my breath to hear if it was good or bad news and it was good news the number more then doubled it was 55 WOW! With this number I thought you might be twins or hoping was more like it. The wait to go get the next test done was agonizing. I had to wait until Oct 6th according to the order. I didn’t think that day would ever come, but when it finally did I still had to wait until after work, the agony. This test would determine whether or not I would have to take Heparin a drug that would prevent mommy from clotting too fast and it would prevent clotting in your placenta. Again, the wait was unbearable. When Theresa finally called me with the results I felt so sick to my stomach I was so worried, but the results were awesome it was 314 WOOHOO! I get to stick myself in the belly with needles for the next nine months. Of course, that is not what I really thought. I was scared to death of sticking myself with needles, but I was more than happy to do it for you. That night I did my first shot, I was so terrified that I was shaking the whole time after that it got so much easier now that I knew what to expect. The stress from getting these tests to see if the number keeps going up like it should was getting to me, but my RE wanted to make sure that you were still growing in there. The test for Oct 9th was 1055. This was the day I got scared out of my mind I started spotting red blood and I panicked I thought I was going to loose you, but if it was going to happen there was nothing I could do about it so I had to wait it out. I had to leave work that day because I was so hysterical. That was the day that my co-workers found out about you even though I wanted to keep you my precious little secret for a little while longer. For the next two days I had some bleeding and was so afraid, hoping that you wouldn’t be gone. When I finally stopped bleeding I was so happy, but still I was staying cautious. The next two tests were nerve racking, the next one was on Oct 13th and that was 4332 and the last blood test was on Oct 16th and that was 9320. We were so glad that everything seemed to be going great. I think at this point your dad was starting to really get that you were coming. After the last test on Oct 16th we got to set up our first ultrasound appt for Oct 20th on that date I was 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant so we should be able to see you and your heartbeat.

It seemed like it took forever for that day to come and when it did I was so happy, but scared I was so afraid that we wouldn’t see you or your heartbeat. Your daddy and I were sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in and I was shaking. When the doctor finally came in the room your daddy stood up and took his hand, we saw you right away although you were very small, you looked like a little dot (so that is what you were named for a while). Then we saw your heartbeat that was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen I started crying tears of joy and at that moment that is when you became very real for your daddy. The Dr. told me you would be due June 13th 2009.

The next couple of days we were over the moon with happiness, then when I woke up on Oct 21st everything changed. The medication I was on Heparin was causing pretty bad hives from head to toe. I went straight to the emergency room and all they really did for me was gave me medication to stop the itching and then sent me home. When I left the E.R, I called my Reproductive Endocrinologist to tell them what happened. They told me to come in for an ultrasound “just in case” so we went straight there. I was pretty excited about seeing you again. We got to the office, went into a room, and the doctor came in to do the ultrasound. We saw you right away my sweet little dot. When we were looking at you the doctor noticed there was a problem, he couldn’t see your heart beating. We looked at you for about five minutes and there was nothing. I started crying hysterically and the Dr. said those very painful words “I’m sorry”. The Dr. went through all of our options and if I was going to miscarry I wanted to do it naturally, so that is what I decided. I went into work the next day and it was very emotional I had to tell everyone I was losing you, and it was the hardest thing I had to do. I called my boss and told her and she told me she was coming over for a meeting and she would talk to me then. Turns out, the meeting was with me. I was getting a “verbal warning” apparently a patient complained saying “I was text messaging on the job and not completing my job duties” this wasn’t even true. Anyway, I don’t believe it was a patient I think it was one or more of my co-workers and just saying it was a patient. I just couldn’t believe this was happening the day after I found out I was going to be losing you. How awful!

Five days went by and nothing was happening, I bled a little, but no cramping no heavy bleeding. I decided on Oct 27th I was going to call my OB and get her to give me an ultrasound; so that’s what I did. I was able to go to her office right after work and Jonathan met me there. When the Dr. came in to the room I explained to her what happened last week and then she did the ultrasound. I took her less then five seconds to find you and your heart beat. You grew so much in a week I was so surprised. I was so over the moon happy I couldn’t stop crying tears of joy and relief that you were still with us.

I have not written the 2^nd part of my pregnancy story with Jasper yet, I have found that it is very difficult to write and have been trying to for some time now. I do plan to eventually and when I do you will be able to read about it on my blog.

I was admitted into the hospital on Feb 26, 2009 after I had a routine exam at my Hematologists office. According to the blood work I had done there my platelet levels were low and on top of my blood pressure being slightly high it was 130’s over the high 80’s and normally it is 90’s over 60’s so he was very concerned and sent me to the hospital to be evaluated overnight. That first night seemed to last forever, I didn’t get any sleep at all. During the next day my high risk doctor came in and was explaining to us why I was admitted to the hospital and he told me the reason is that I had Pre-eclampsia. I knew what pre-e was I just didn’t know it was so serious. He then told me I would not be leaving the hospital until after I give birth and I freaked seeing that I was only 24 weeks pregnant at the time and that would mean being in there for around 15 weeks. I asked him if there was any way I can get to go home and he told me that all my labs would have to be normal, including my blood pressure so that is what I hoped for everyday. A few days later it seemed like everything was stabilizing and I would get to go home, but on March 4th everything took a turn for the worse.

Very early in the morning one of my many doctors came in to do my ultrasound to see if Jasper is growing and the results were horrible my little guy only grew 2oz in 2 weeks. I was so upset over this I could hardly eat breakfast, but I did I was hoping that if I stuffed my face then he would grow. Shortly after I ate I started getting chest pain, I didn’t think anything of it because I was diagnosed weeks before with Costochondritis which is inflammation of the chest wall due to stress and I thought with the results of the ultrasound it was coming back. It was starting to get pretty annoying so I called the nurse and asked for something for the pain. Well, she ended up taking my blood pressure and it was high 160’s over 90’s and ended up getting the doctor to find out why I was having this pain. I ended up getting an EKG, and some medicine to help with gastritis, but the EKG was normal and the medicine didn’t help at all. They kept asking me all these questions. Where is the pain? Is the pain on the upper right side? Do you have a headache? Are you seeing spots? All questions that are related to severe Pre-e. I was getting really scared they kept talking about an emergency c-section to save my life. They kept asking me those questions and it came to a point where I couldn’t think any more and I started think that the pain was on the upper right side. I was so disoriented with fear I don’t even know if in fact the pain was on the upper right side, which means the liver is very swollen and I could die if it bursts. I ended up saying it was O.K. to do the c-section out of pure fear.

They started prepping me for surgery right away. They started giving me a medicine called Mag through I.V. right away; it is supposed to prevent seizures. Then I was taken to the operating room where my husband was not allowed in because I had to go under general anesthesia because I took my lovenox injection (a blood thinner) that morning. I was so afraid and not for me, but mostly for Jasper it was way too soon for him to be born and they kept telling me that it would be worse if I died. I kept saying things like what if I was wrong about the pain? What if it is not my liver? They just said what if you weren’t and things get worse?  If we wait until later we and something is severe we might not be able to save you. The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room and asking about my baby.

Jonathan was waiting just outside the doors that they wheeled me into for the c-section. He felt the need to be as close as he possible could to both of us. Shortly after Jasper was born the Dr’s where wheeling Jasper to the NICU and on the way Jonathan was able to see his son for the first time. The Dr’s stopped so that Jonathan could see Jasper; of course he couldn’t touch or hold him because Jasper was in an incubator. They told Jonathan he would be able to see Jasper in the NICU very soon.

I don’t remember much about the first 24 hours after Jasper was born because I was coming out of anesthesia and on some heavy pain medication that kept knocking me out, so mostly all I remember is what Jonathan has told me. Also, I was not aloud up for the first 24 hours after my c-section because I was on that medication called Mag to prevent seizures. I woke up in the recovery room to Jonathan and the Doctor talking and that is when I asked how my son was doing. I remember hearing that he was stable at the moment, but that he would never leave the hospital. At first I didn’t believe I heard that right because I was in fact out of it. I did learn later that is what the Doctor said and I couldn’t believe that a Doctor would say such a horrible thing. I remember just after Jonathan and the Doctor was finished talking, Jonathan kissed me and told me he was going to see Jasper and that he would be back in a little while. When Jonathan got back he woke me up to look at the pictures of Jasper that he took and to show me the foot print that they took for us. He was also telling me how active Jasper was, kicking around and waving his arms and trying to cry, but couldn’t because he was on a ventilator. I remember looking at the pictures and thinking how beautiful he was, but I couldn’t keep my eye’s open and fell right back to sleep.

The next thing I remember was waking up in my room. I don’t remember what time it was, but I was determined to be ready to get up when I was aloud to go see my son. I spent all the time I wasn’t past out trying to eat graham crackers, drink Gatorade to get my strength back, and use my button that gave me my pain medicine to keep the pain away so that it would be some what easier to get up when I could. During this time Jonathan went to visit Jasper as much as he could, he was so afraid to leave me alone just in case something happened to me because my nurses were hardly ever in my room and he knew that Jasper always had his nurse close by.

It was now time for me to get up to see my son. The Mag to prevent seizures was gone and now taking my pain medicine by mouth. It took forever for the nurse to come in and help me up I was so mad. She knew how much I wanted to see my son. When she finally came in to help me up I made it to sitting at the side of the bed, but got really dizzy so I was forced to sit there for a while until I felt I was ready. I used that time for Jonathan to go get me a wheelchair because the nurse couldn’t find one on the floor. Ten minutes later I’m off to see my son.

When I got to The NICU and saw Jasper for the first time I was scared because of how small he was. I didn’t realize going by the pictures that I’ve seen, well they were misleading. Jasper was so small there was practically no fat on him at all. From the looks of him you would have thought I was starving him, but I ate like a pig. His skin was still red and very thin. They had to put him on a special mat of sorts and not on a blanket because they said that his skin would tear if they did. We stayed there for about an hour because it was almost dinner and well I had to keep my strength up, but when where there that was the most precious time. I was able to put my hand in the incubator and rub his arm and his foot. He wasn’t really active when I was there he just slept. I didn’t think anything of it because when he was in me he would sleep all day and then up all night (takes after his dad there).

When I got back to my room I was greeted by the nurse that helps the new mom’s with pumping. She told me I should start right away so that Jasper would have my breast milk. I was more then willing to start and she went over the instructions and was there to guide me though the first time. After I was done eating and taking a little nap it was time to pump again (I was supposed to do it every 2 hours) once I was done with that I headed back to the NICU. It started out as a great visit. Jonathan and I were standing by Jasper’s incubator, I was holding Jasper’s hand and Jon and I were talking about what we thought Jasper would be like as a child. Doing what most parents would do when the happy killing nurse that overheard us came by and said that we needed to get our heads in the right place. I didn’t know what to think at the time, but Jonathan told me later that the day before she told him that they were only keeping Jasper alive so that we would have as much time to spend with him as possible. I did not know about that until we were home because I would have said something to her. What ever happened to letting the parent’s have some hope that there baby may make it out of there alive? I know they were trying to prepare us for the worst, but they didn’t have to be so damn mean about it. After about an hour of dealing with the happy killing nurse we went back to my room to wait for the next nurse to come in to go back.

Jonathan and I were sitting in my room and at about 10:30 p.m. when the NICU Dr. came in to talk to us about Jasper’s care. I don’t remember everything she said, but she did give us that glimmer of hope. She did tell us though that due to the fact that he was so small the odds was not very good. She was in there for about 45 minutes answering our questions when the happy killing nurse rushes in my room and says that we should get to the NICU right now. At that moment I broke. I was screaming No, this is not happening and Jonathan told me I was moaning all the way to the NICU. When we got there they were working on Jasper. His Oxygen saturation was very low as was his heart rate. I stood up not caring about how much pain I was in and for the next five or so minutes they were working on him and I kept telling Jasper to come back to stay with us, but they gave up on him and stopped. They asked if I wanted to hold him and I was hesitant thinking that they should not give up on my son. Eventually, we said yes to holding him. We held him for a long time while he was still on the ventilator and we were talking to him telling him how much we love him and how much he was wanted. Telling him how I was sorry about the pre-e that caused him to be born early and he would just look at me and I hope that he knew it was his mommy and daddy. Jasper passed away some time after midnight on 3/6/09 in his mommy and daddy’s arms. We spent the next couple of hours with him, holding him, crying and taking pictures to remember him by.

Lisa blogs at http://jasperthomas.blogspot.com/ 

You can contact her at jasperthomas@live.com