Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Kelley

1st loss- February 12th, 2009
2nd loss- October 13th, 2009
3rd loss- December 16th, 2009
Chemical Pregnancy- January 22nd, 2009

Long Island, New York 

In 1 year, I have suffered 3 miscarriages, I chemical pregnancy, 3 D&Cs, 2 cycles of IVF, 6 IUIs, an HSG and Lap procedure, OHSS, given hundreds of vials of blood, given myself hundreds, if not a thousand shots, been diagnosed with auto immune and thrombophilia issues, and have cried an infinite number of tears.  My journey to become a mother has changed me.  This is my story. 

Like many infertile women would say, I thought getting pregnant would be a piece of cake.  Each month, I thought, “this is it.” My first pregnancy came after 7 months of trying and using an ovulation fertility monitor.  It was off to a fantastic start.  I experienced all of the early pregnancy symptoms, each day reminding me of my new found excitement, pregnancy and becoming a mother.  When I woke up and started bleeding, I knew something was wrong.  I always trust my instincts; however, the blood tests were great and showed my beta levels rising.  My OB didn’t prescribe a sono until 4 days later, only because the bleeding continued.  I already knew what the sono would confirm, that there was a gestational sac and yolk, sac, but no fetal growth.  I had a D&C at 7 weeks, 3 days.  Tissue tests came back inconclusive.    

After our 1^st loss, my husband and I decided that we would give it our all, to start a family.  After 5 long months, we took the next step and scheduled a consult with a Reproductive Endocrinologist at a top notch Long Island clinic.  Without much investigation or testing, I now had a DR in charge of my fertility, who prescribed the well known fertility drug, Clomid. We did two cycles of IUIs and I was pregnant again.  “Cautiously optimistic “were the Dr.’s words.  My beta again was great but fetal development was slow to grow.  I began naturally miscarrying at 6 weeks.  One of the most physically painful experiences of my life is where natural miscarriage is listed in my book.  If I let myself, I can recall the intense back pain, horrible contractions, cramping and bleeding.  It was beyond terrifying and I hope to keep those feelings safely tucked away.  I was given no explanation for this miscarriage, just that “miscarriage is common.” 

Unexpectedly, 1 month later I was pregnant again.  No intervention was needed, I thought “great, 3^rd time’s a charm!”  I informed my RE and he monitored me with weekly blood work and sonograms.  My husband and I were over the moon excited as everything was progressing normally.  Shortly after, fetal growth seemed slow down a bit.  Nevertheless, as long as the baby was growing each day, the Dr. wasn’t concerned.  He contributed the slow growth to late implantation since we didn’t exactly know when I ovulated or date of conception.  Moving along to one week later, we heard our baby’s heartbeat for the very first and last time.  It was music to my ears.  I had never made it to this point in my two previous pregnancies.  To know that I was going to miscarry again, a 3^rd time was sincerely devastating.  At 8 weeks 5 days, a missed miscarriage.  I requested a D&C, a week before Christmas.  Adding emotional pain to an already physically painful event would be unbearable. 

This is when I knew I had changed.  It wasn’t the Dr. telling me (in the recovery room )that he once treated a  woman who had 11 miscarriages, my decision to never step foot in his office again was because  I was suffering from recurrent miscarriage and I knew it could be prevented and/or treated.   Through networking and talking with my local “infertile community,” I found a Dr. who specialized in infertility, specifically recurrent miscarriage and immunology.  I immediately called him and had a quick consult before our office visit.  I told him I was between cycles, asked if it were possible if I could be pregnant again and he said “it’s not very likely given the previous circumstances.”  He wrote me a slew of scripts for blood work and told me to come back on day 3 for a hormone workup.  Well low and behold; day 3 didn’t come because I was pregnant again!  Like I said, always trust your instincts!  Unfortunately, pregnancy #4 wasn’t off to a great start, with a low beta number, we knew it wasn’t going to be viable.  Ecstatic and surprised as I was, we accepted the disappointment, again.    

While I waited for my beta to drop to negative, my genius Dr. (as I refer to him) reassured me that he would discover why I was miscarrying and why I could never carry past 9 weeks.  During this time, we also received the results from the tissue sample for pregnancy #3.  The report stated that our baby had Trisomy 16. Yes, I’m content in knowing that there is a reason but it knowing why doesn’t make grieving any easier. 

That was the last time I was pregnant, 9 months ago.   With extensive testing, my new Dr. has uncovered several issues associated with thrombophilia and elevated nkt cells that ultimately have affected my ability to become pregnant and carry a pregnancy.  He has the smarts, is on the cutting edge of infertility research, thinks out of the box, doesn’t have to follow a clinic protocol, is compassionate, caring and provides a level of personal care that all other doctors fail to do and because of this,  I have 100% trust in his ability to help me have a successful pregnancy.    

I’ve had to say goodbye more times than I have liked.  And though my husband and I will never forget what we’ve given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward.  I have changed.  I know what I can’t do.  I can’t live my life afraid of the next goodbye.  Facing forward and keeping my eyes on the prize.    

You can contact Kelley at kellmcg@hotmail.com