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Karen
Mom to Angel Baby Squirt- September 15th, 2009
and Angel Baby Turtle- May 9th, 2010
Miami, FL
In August 2009, I started dating Mr. M. After all the heartache I’d been through, he was just what I needed. In September, I found out that I was pregnant. I was both terrified and thrilled. I immediately fell in love with the tiny life growing inside of me. Tragically, I lost the baby at around 6 weeks, before I even had my first OB appointment. I spent a week in the hospital because I had a UTI which caused me to have a “septic abortion”. At the time, I was more focused on getting well enough to leave the hospital.
By the time I was released from the hospital, I had more or less convinced myself that it was for the best. We didn’t have room for a baby in Mr. M’s little apartment, and I wasn’t finished with school. So I picked up the pieces, got on the Pill, and started to move forward with my life.
I still loved my baby, and there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of him or her. When I prayed, I always made sure to pray that my little squirt was happy. I continued to move forward. I applied to transfer from community college to a 4 year university and I was accepted. I was excited to start the next chapter in my life, and thrilled to finally be getting my degree so I could teach for real.
The Pill has a 99% effective rate, and in April, I discovered that we fell into the other 1%. I was pregnant again. I felt the same mix of emotions that I had the last time I was pregnant, only this time I was more terrified. What if I lost this baby, too?
I made an appointment with the OB who saw me in the hospital for the end of April. At that appointment, he did an ultrasound. We got to see the most beautiful thing in the world: a healthy baby with a heartbeat. I was 7 weeks pregnant at the time. Because this doctor knew my history, he sent me for the usual blood work and made an appointment to see me again 2 weeks later.
I did everything a pregnant woman is supposed to do. I took my prenatal vitamins, I rested when I felt tired, I didn’t do any heavy lifting, I ate spinach and stayed away from soft cheese. Mr M. and I talked about where we would live, since no magical space in the apartment had appeared since the first pregnancy. We picked out names for a boy and for a girl. We daydreamed about what our baby would look like. We even showed his daughter the ultrasound picture and tried to explain to her that it was a picture of her new brother or sister. She thought it was a turtle.
At our 9 week appointment, the doctor did another ultrasound. We were thrilled at the chance to get another peek at our baby Turtle. But the doctor didn’t see a heartbeat. I was sent for more blood work, to monitor the way my beta levels were rising. They should have been doubling every 48 hours. That Saturday, my betas were 18,000. On Monday, they were only 19,100. He did one more ultrasound on Thursday just to be sure, and then gave us the heartbreaking news I feared: our baby had died.
A trip to the ER that same day informed us that my betas had dropped to 13,000. After 2 weeks of waiting for a natural miscarriage to happen, I was given some pills which induced the miscarriage.
This time, all I could think about is how I’ve failed my children. I was supposed to provide a safe place for them to grow until they could join us in the world, and I couldn’t. I find myself asking God why He gave me such beautiful miracles and then took them away from me before I could ever hold them in my arms. I know I could be a great mother, if only He would give me a chance to prove it.
On August 17, 2010 I got the scariest, most exciting news. I’m pregnant again. I’ve prayed day and night since then that this is our take home baby. I wonder: does this fear ever go away? Will I ever be able to just enjoy being pregnant? Or will I always worry that something could go wrong?
I fell in love the moment that second pink line appeared. And half a second later, that fear set in. I don’t want to spend the next nine months afraid. I want to spend the next nine months preparing to meet this beautiful little person we’ve created.
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1 comments:
I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My story is very much similar to yours. I lost my first angel in march 2010 at 7 weeks and about three months later (may 2010) i was surprised to find out i was pregnant again. A perfect and healthy pregnancy until we went in for our three month visit. My little frogie was developed to the t and was already spreading it's tiny fingers and toes... but there was no heartbeat. I still have his/her ultrasound picture framed along with the other u/s i had. There's not a day that goes by that i do not think of my little baby. If you ever need someone to talk to you can count on me :)
Mommie to angelbaby froggie [[11 weeks <3]]
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