Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Faith

Twins Miscarried at 9 weeks 4 days on September 16th, 2010

Dayton, Ohio

In 2006, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant with our daughter -- we hadn't been trying and she was a complete surprise.  We actually had been in the midst of planning our wedding and I had mixed feelings about being pregnant.  Of course, after I held her in my arms, I fell in love and have never regretted her in anyway.

 

Two years later, we decided we were ready to add to our family.  I had moderate endometriosis as a teenager, had surgery and had been treated with birth control pills most of my reproductive life.  I had never had any issues after the surgery.  When we decided to try again, I went off the birth control and fully expected that we would be pregnant in 3-6 months.  I was 33.  After a year of trying, we were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist where we were shocked to discover that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Diminished Ovarian Reserve while my husband had some morphology issues.  We both were medicated, my husband's issues were corrected but I was told I would probably only ever have another pregnancy if we chose egg donor.  We were devastated but my husband couldn't accept that answer and we went for a second opinion with a doctor in another city.  This doctor, our current doctor, was more hopeful and felt jumping to egg donor without trying anything else was jumping the gun.  

Two rounds of 100mg Clomid and Ovidrel trigger shot later, we found out we were pregnant in August 2010.

At our first ultrasound, we discovered we were pregnant with twins.  Unfortunately, one twin was not doing as well as the other and the doctor was concerned with Vanishing Twin Syndrome -- much more common in this day of early ultrasounds than ever before.  We were at 7 weeks but the doctor said it wasn't a definite that we would lose that twin so he wanted to do another ultrasound at 9 weeks.  The other twin had a fabulous heart beat and looked great.  At 9 weeks 4 days on September 16, 2010 we went in to discover the fate of the one twin.  We were completely devastated to learn that both twins had no heart beat, we had a missed miscarriage.  As I was scared of the possible risks associated with D & C, I chose to take Misoprostol vaginally to induce a miscarriage.  I felt like I was killing my babies.  While it physically was not overwhelming, emotionally it was the worst thing I have ever been through.  Two years of hopes, dreams, and medications only to be wiped out in the space of the few minutes it takes to conduct an ultrasound.

My husband and I have decided to memorialize the twins with a houseplant so if we ever move, we can take it with us.  We have chosen a aloe plant mainly because aloe plants are associated with healing.  It seems right.  It is a emotional roller coaster -- one day is a good day and the next is a bad day.  I thought I only knew one other person that had experienced a miscarriage.  Then, I started blogging about it and found several friends and family members had also experienced miscarriages.  It is a large and unwanted club that we have joined, but, it is a close and supportive one.

Faith blogs and can be contacted at
http://babybluessecondaryinfertility.blogspot.com/