Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Amanda

Mom to Gabriel Michael

Born and Passed Away February 27th, 2007

Louisville, Kentucky

This is my story.. the story of my son and how my life changed after this day..

Before I start I was told I would never be able to carry babies because at 16 I had cervical dysplasia and they had to cut off some of my cervix, which is why my kids are preemies.

 

I had Gideon when I was 18, I wasn't ready to become a mother but I embraced it, I was still a kid at heart and didn't know how taking care of a baby would give me no kid time, But when they placed him in my arms everything went out the door. I wanted nothing than to be a mommy. He was beautiful but he was 6 weeks early. I had to get my water broke early because it was leaking and they didn't want me to get an infection. That labor was so scary I will never forget. They had given me a shot of something and from then on out I felt like I was in la la land.  But Gideon was healthy- he was 5lbs 9oz.. He was kept in the hospital for 11 days just to make sure he was healthy. He is my world

We found out we were pregnant again in 2006 I hadn't planned on this pregnancy but I didn't mind another child, I was hoping for a girl but another boy would be good too, someone to play with Gideon. Gideon was 2 then and so excited about the baby, He would kiss my belly. I had no problems.  I had some morning sickness but nothing like I had with Gideon. We had ultrasound pics all over my room and I was a week away from having another one, They even might be able to tell me the sex I thought. Little did I know my life would change at 3:45am.

I woke up from sleeping with the urge that I had to pee really bad, Being pregnant you pee 24-7 so this was nothing new, But It was cramping which it didn't normally do. So me half asleep went to the bathroom, sat down and boom.. I woke up I didn't use the bathroom.. My water had just broke.. with such force I was for sure the baby came out. I didn't move I was frozen. I thought please God don't let me stand up and see the baby in the toilet, I got up put a towel around me and went to wake my husband I didn't look at the toilet I would rather have my husband tell me if he was in there. So I went and woke Josh up. Told him my water broke..(My husband talks in his sleep, says the most crazy things) so as I am telling him what happened, he tells me just lay down and go back to sleep. Me with my mouth open can't believe what he just said. I raised my voice and said it again, this time he woke up. He sat me down I was bawling my eyes out cause I was 100% there was a baby in the toilet. Josh went and looked and said, Amanda there is just blood in the toilet.  I was relieved.  My baby wasn't gone. We rushed to the hospital-- within an hour after my water broke I started to have strong contractions, so bad I was screaming.

They took me back to a room but it wasn't labor and delivery which I was always told to go to. They said since I was under 20 weeks I had to be in the normal er room.  I didn't care at this point because my pain was getting worse, so they stuck me in a room with Josh and Gideon because I never left Gideon, like ever.  I didn't get anything to stop my contractions which I thought was odd.  My pain got so bad and I was screaming so bad that Josh went out there and told them they had to do something.  So in walks this doctor to check me out, and he tells me I need a D&C because he said the baby was starting to come out. The tears flowed.  I was losing my baby.  I felt alone like no one there cared.  I hadn't even seen my obgyn, I was in so much pain and no one helped me. As the surgeon came to wheel me to surgery my obgyn walked in.

He came in checked me and told me the baby was not even close to coming out, and that the baby was still alive, very strong heartbeat. He took me up to labor and delivery and I had hope that they could save my baby. There had to be something they could do. He first took me into the u/s room to check and the news I got was not what I wanted to hear. There was no fluid left so it was super hard to see him but I could hear his heartbeat, then they turned the volume off and told me my options... 1. I could keep the baby inside me and have an 80% chance of getting a infection that could kill me and the baby. 2. Deliver him. My heart wanted to choose option 1, but I couldn't leave Gideon without a mom. and I was already starting to have a fever which meant the infection was starting to happen. So I had to choose option 2.

I thought a d&c would be best, I didn't want to see the baby- I was so scared to see it. But d&c was not an option.  I was too far along to have one, so I had to go through the whole process of labor which I wasn't happy about. I got set up to deliver, had my iv in my arm and then my doctor walked in with a phone, It was a office lady on the phone- he handed it to me, She told me I would have to go home because since this hospital was a Christian one what I was doing would be called aborting.  Wait a sec I said, I'm not aborting my child.  Well that is what we call it and you can't do it here. You can go home and let the baby die and then come back.  But it could kill me if I did that. They didn't care. They even had a meeting with the head of the hospital and they all said no. My life was nothing to them. If I was upset before I was beyond upset now. They think I am aborting my child..

As a Christian girl, I love God and don't believe in abortions so this really shocked me, I was being forced to abort.  It was either my life or the baby's life.  How does someone even choose?  My doctor cussed out the hospital which I have never seen before.  He was mad that they said that to me. So he switched me to another hospital and another doctor that he knew.  So my family and I had to drive 25 mins to another hospital. The whole time Gabriel was kicking and moving. I can't do this, I told my husband. He is alive, he is moving, I want him and I don't care if I die, His life means more to me than my own. But Gideon, he was my life too.

We got to the hospital, everyone was so nice and helped me.  But my doctor was amazing.  He was a Christian man and told me I am so sorry, God has a plan.  I was thankful for his words but at that moment I was mad at God and didn't care about his plan. I needed God the most and he wasn't there.  I had 3 pastors come in and bless me.. and my baby. That was beautiful to me, I was thankful for that.

 They hooked me up to the heart monitor.  I saw Gabriel's heart beating, They gave me something that would help me contract and something that would thin my cervix out. They even gave me a epidural which I wanted cause I didn't want to feel him come out, But this epidural didn't numb me all the way. I asked them how would I know if it was time they said if you feel like you need to push then push.. Pretty much if the baby comes out let them know.  I was floored.  Not only do I have to deliver this baby, but I have to do it on my own???  I don't think so.  I let them know I would not be doing it that way.  It was around 7pm and I felt pressure and yelled for the nurses, and the doctor came in.  It was time.  I had my mom on one side, my husband on the other, I kept my eyes closed so tight I didn't want to see him.

I heard them saying the baby is coming out feet first, and then I felt the hardest kick in my stomach.  It was like he was saying its ok mommy.  That ended me.  I poured out my heart, asking help, I don't want to lose him... but it was over, he was out already.  They took him away but I didn't see because I didn't open my eyes.  And then more pain, my placenta was still stuck inside.  So the doctor tried to get it out... so much pain I was screaming.  When will the pain be over, I thought.  I saw my husband, tears in his eyes, I saw my mom tears in her eyes.  I was so thankful they were there. My husband looked at me and told me he saw him.  I saw him leave Amanda.  I was like, you saw him leave what do you mean?  I saw him lean his head back and take his last breath.  But I had been told when he came out he was already gone.  Josh saw our son leave, saw his soul go to be with God.  It's something I wish I could have seen.  The kick was mine, and him telling his daddy bye was Josh's.

I had so much family out in the waiting room.  I was thankful they were there.  I got taken to a room where I could relax.  Josh had went down and saw him twice.  But what he told me has scarred me.. He said he saw Gabriel in a huge body bag in a room where garbage was, could things get any worse i thought.  I just couldn't handle this.  I finally went to sleep crying out my eyes, they were so swollen they were almost closed shut. The next day I was told I could leave if I wanted to and believe me I wanted to leave.  But before we left Josh said I have pics of him if you wanna see.  And Yes, it was a boy.. another boy.  Wow.  Gideon would of loved that.  Josh slowly showed me the pics.. of his feet then body, then face.. a baby at 16weeks doesn't look like a newborn.  But he was beautiful.  He had fingernails... a nose... a mouth..ears... Everything a baby has.  I felt the urge to see him because if I didn't, I would spend my life wanting to, So the chaplain brought him to me.  He was so cold.  He was so little... this was my baby.  My best friend.. I told him how much I loved him and kissed him.  Josh wanted to take a pic but my phone was starting to die.  He got one pic of me holding Gabriel, and then the cell died.  It's the only pic someone has holding him.  It was his mommy who loved him more than anything.  My beautiful angel.

We left and when I walked out I felt alone.  I was a mom with empty arms.  I got the bear that was given to me.  I held it tight... cried on it... kissed it... I wanted this to be my son but my son was gone.  We had his funeral.  He was buried by my papa and uncle, his coffin was so small.  His daddy carried him to his resting place.  That was beautiful.  A daddy putting his son to rest... another thing among many that broke my heart. I had a friend talk and what he said was beautiful.  God did have a plan... a plan for my son to be with him.  It was an honor but to me it was hell.  I want him here.  It was February 27th when he passed and he was buried on March 2nd.  After everyone said their goodbyes, I said mine... kissing his coffin... saying I love you baby.. it started to snow... a lot of snow.  My hair was almost white it was so much snow.  I looked up to the sky and felt like everything was going to be ok.  Heaven got another angel and they were rejoicing.  

Gabriel Michael, you are forever missed.  I love you.

I want to thank everyone at Nortans hospital.. I was given beautiful photos of my baby.. with his pillow.. his tags.. footprint.. I hold these things close to my heart.. Being a angel mommy is not a easy job.. we cry a lot.. we get upset.. we get angry.. We just miss our angels..

Gideon talks about his brother all the time.  He misses him, and told me God took him to become an angel..

3-19-08.  Noah was born. He was 5lbs 8oz. He stayed in the hospital for 7 days. My boys are my life. I am so thankful for all 3 of them.

You can contact Amanda at jesusrocks1986@hotmail.com