Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Portia

Mom to Dominic Alejandro Torres

March 25th, 2010- March 26th, 2010

Ocala, FL

My story begins like any other and ended in a horrible loss. I didn't know I was pregnant with Dominic until a car wreck forced me into physical therapy. Which forced me into getting CT Scans; and other imaging done. Except, I never got them done because a pregnancy test revealed I was indeed pregnant. Pregnant after, at the least, 6 different trips to the ER said no. But, I was and began coming up with names and enjoying my pregnancy. Until my 5th month.

In my 5th month, I began contracting and kept telling my new OB that and he said it was due to me having a history of large babies and carrying so low. I believed him because my last son was really a few ounces shy of 10lbs. So as I got further a long, the contractions got worse and I was huge. So huge that it looked like I was carrying triplets and I was only by then, 6 months. 

My intuition kept screaming something was wrong. Even amongst 4 trips to L & D to stop the contractions and find nothing unusual. I chalked it up to being eager after 3 years, finally ready to be a new mommy again. So I gained a lot of weight, but had no idea how because I really couldn't eat. I was having such a hard time breathing and walking. Soon I was just bed ridden, I was so huge. But my OB kept assuring things were fine. 
 

After going on like this 2 more weeks. I had to know FOR SURE. So I lied to him and said, I hadn't felt baby move all day. After he tried for at least 5 minutes, he sent me down the hall for an ultrasound. The tech said everything was looking good until she measured my amniotic fluid which was 3 times more than it should have been at 7 months. So from there, they sent me to the L & D to stop the contractions. Diagnosed me with Polyhydramnios and then had to figure out why I had so much. I went to L & D, they couldn't stop the contractions, but at the same time, I wasn't dilating. I was rushed via Ambulance to the University hospital where I ended up staying for 4 days. 
 

While at the hospital, I had 12L of fluid drained and then sent me for a 3D ultrasound. It was then, they made the discovery that my precious Dominic was missing his lower jaw bone and his ears were at the neck. I remember sitting there and telling my husband, we had to end this pregnancy. Blocking out everything the doctor was saying. But it was too late. I was scared and just overwhelmed with grief. Once they ran more testing, the diagnosis was made, but they kept saying nothing is 100% until delivery. I had never prayed so hard in my life. But the inevitable took place. I was schedule for a C-section at 37 weeks.
 

The day Dominic was born, my husband couldn't be with me. This was my first C-section and I was alone with more than 20 doctors in the room. And knowing that my son would be dying within the days to come. I remember sitting on that cold table, crying and praying. 

When Dominic was born, the only voice I heard was the Anesthesiologist saying I was doing great and to just stay calm. Dominic NEVER cried. Til this day, I wonder what my little man would have sounded like, but I am left with never knowing. They did an immediate tracheotomy because he wasn't able to breathe on his own. His mouth was the shape of a little 0. I remember waiting in recovery to see what he really looked like for myself. Reality set in when my husband came back with photos. 

Seeing my not even 5 hour old son with wires and everything, just sent me on a whirlwind of emotions. I couldn't see him. They wouldn't let me see him until I was sent to my room. On March 25th, Dominic Alejandro Torres was born weighing 6 pounds 7 ounces and was 18.5 inches long. He had the most beautiful brown hair. And he looked so helpless. But he was a fighter. He wasn't supposed to make it through the night, but he did. We did a prayer circle and had him Christened. But I knew what was coming. 

The next day I went to visit him in the NICU and before going in the doctors told me it didn't look good. That throughout the night, they'd revived him 3 times. One of his lungs had collapsed and had it not been for the pain meds ... he was in a lot of pain. They asked me what I wanted. Whether to have them do everything in their power to save him or let him go. Knowing how much pain he was in, I made the decision no mother should ever have to make. I told them no more. 
 

I don't regret it, but sometimes I question what if I hadn't given up on him so soon. But I'll never know. Dominic fought as long as he could, but in the end, it had to be this way. I will forever remember my son.

You can contact Portia at Ldyxtrrs@aol.com