Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Misty

Mom to August Angel baby

lost on January 19, 2010

Dayton, Ohio
 

My husband and I always said we would start trying to have a baby after 2 years of marriage. When the time came I was so excited, but I was afraid that things weren't going to be easy. I have endometriosis, and I've had several surgeries to remove it and tried different therapies but it always seemed to come back. After my last surgery in late 2008 my doctor said that things didn't look that bad, but I should try to get pregnant soon.

We waited until July 2009 to officially start trying. At first it was exciting, and I didn't get that upset each month when I period came because I knew it was normal for things to take several months. After 6 months of trying, I got my BFP on December 18, 2009. I was so excited; I thought I received the best Christmas gift ever! Of course I was a little worried that something would go wrong but I just kept telling myself that wouldn't happen to me. My husband and I love each other, we wanted this baby so bad and we were prepared to take care of it. So nothing bad would happen, right?
 

On January 3, 2010 I used the bathroom and looked down to see blood. Not just spotting, but dripping blood. My heart sank and I called my OB's office with shaking hands. The message said to call L&D at the local hospital, so I did. They informed me that they couldn't do anything since I was only 6 weeks, but I could go to the ER if I wanted. So my husband and I drove to a hospital near our house. I was checked in and we waited, and waited, and waited. The whole time I was holding back tears and I kept using the restroom to see if I was still bleeding. Each time I would go, more blood would drip from me. After waiting for over 3 hours and one last bathroom trip, I decided to go home without treatment. If I was miscarrying, there was nothing they could do for me. I went home and sobbed for hours. My husband convinced me that I should take off work the next day and go see my OB.
 

I called first thing in the morning and my OB directed me to back to the ER (but at a different hospital). My husband couldn't get off work so my mom drove me. They got me in quickly and did a vaginal ultrasound. I was amazed to see my baby's heartbeat! I couldn't stop crying tears of joy. The doctor at the hospital informed me that I had a subchorionic hematoma (basically a blood clot), but most of the time these things resolved. All of my blood work and tests came back normal, except I had to get a shot for being Rh negative. My mom and I left the hospital on cloud nine. I couldn't believe how lucky I was that my baby was safe.

For the next 2 weeks I prayed so hard and thanked God each day for my baby. I started to get sick and felt more and more pregnant, so I assumed everything was fine.

The research I'd done on subchorionic hematomas stated that only a small percentage resulted in miscarriage. The weekend of Martin Luther King Jr. Day I took a trip to Tennessee with family to visit my aunt. There are several outlet malls there, and my mom, grandma, and aunt bought me almost a whole maternity wardrobe at one of the maternity outlets. I had seen my baby's heartbeat and I had so many pregnancy symptoms that I was sure I was fine. It was okay to buy maternity clothes. We had to hurry back Monday morning because I had an ultrasound appointment Monday afternoon to check on my hematoma. I was so excited because my husband was off and able to go with me.
 

When we got to my OB’s office we went back into the ultrasound room and I lay on the table. The tech decided she would try to an external ultrasound first. As soon as she the wand to my stomach she got this look on her face. She asked me if I was sure they saw a baby at my first ultrasound in the ER. Yes, I said, and I saw a heartbeat. I was sure. I remember looking at my husband and thinking there must be some mistake. She said she couldn't see anything. I begged her for a vaginal ultrasound because I was only 8 weeks so maybe she just couldn't see anything externally. She agreed. But there wasn’t a mistake. That ultrasound showed nothing. My beautiful little baby and its beating heart were gone. I was devastated. On the way out of the office I punched and kicked the wall. My husband said it would be okay, we would try again. I didn't want to try again. I wanted THIS baby.
 

I had a D&C the next morning. It was the worse experience of my life. I had to sign a paper giving the hospital permission to "dispose" of my baby. The line I signed said "mother's signature" underneath. I was a mother. But I had nothing. I spent the next several days on the couch, numb. I went back to work but I refused to fix my hair or wear any bright clothes because I didn't want to give off the impression that I was happy. A couple of months later my husband agreed to get a puppy, something I've been wanting for awhile. I guess that was my consolation prize. I'm so grateful for her because my puppy has given me an outlet for all the love I have, but I still want my baby.
 

We've been trying to get pregnant again with no success. My due date has passed for my August Angel has passed; it’s been over a year since we first started trying, and still nothing. This last cycle I started taking Clomid with a trigger shot, but I have this nagging feeling that it will never work. I’m afraid I will never have a swollen, pregnant belly, and I will never hold my baby in my arms. I hope I'm wrong, but I’m not the same person I was before. I can’t be positive about a pregnancy anymore. I can say there’s good that came from my experience. I am stronger. I love my husband more than anything and I know we can survive anything. But I would still rather have my baby back.
 

Misty blogs at http://mdm2137.blogspot.com/

and can be contacted at mistyt13@hotmail.com