Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Merle

Mom to Hope, miscarried on October 30, 2009

and Luke, born still on July 26, 2010

Cypress, Texas
 

Everything begins when I met my better half James in 2004 and got hitched on April 14, 2007. We discussed how we wanted a family down the road, James wanted to wait five years before trying to start a family and I wanted to wait two. In this case I won because on September 6, 2009, I was late on my period. I was sick the week prior to that and had been on antibiotics so I figured that is what caused my period to be late.

After looking at myself in the mirror while changing I noticed my breast looked big and very different, and that is when I decided to take the pregnancy test, or I should say tests. I was not expecting the double line on the tests but I was thrilled and very happy. James was terrified but excited that he was going to be a dad. We went to the doctor and went to the first ultrasound and said that I needed to get some blood test and said no more. I did everything they said and then I met with my doctor to tell me at 8 weeks that baby Hope had no heartbeat and that my hormone level was dropping meaning I was loosing my baby.

I decided to let nature take its course and almost at 12 weeks it happened, what I feared the most. I lost my first love and I felt so empty. My husband and I were so sad and upset because everything happened so fast. I was angry at life for a while because after loosing Hope everybody was getting pregnant and my doctor said she didn't know why this happened. She claims that 20-25% of all pregnancies end up in a miscarriage. How is that comforting?
 

My husband wanted to give it a second try four months later but I felt negative about everything that I was like "I'll try but it is not going to be easy to get pregnant again" and I was wrong. On March 05, 2010 a pregnancy test proved me wrong and I was pregnant for a second time. I was in shocked and could not believe this was happening! We went to first doctor's appointment and ultra sound and all I wanted to see was my baby's heartbeat and I did. Every appointment and every day after that was a milestone.

After the ultrasound where they can determine the sex of the baby the doctor's office called to tell us that we needed to go to a Fetal Medicine Specialist because our baby boy had a shiny spot on his heart. They told us not to worry, that sometimes it is normal or sometimes it's a sign of down syndrome. My husband and I decided not to worry and that worst case our baby would have some challenges but we were going to do our best to give Luke the best life possible.

My mom went with me to the Fetal Medicine Specialist and they did a 4D ultrasound and I was able to see Luke move and his facial features so clear that I couldn't help crying of happiness. The doctor said that Luke had a clubfoot and they couldn't tell for sure weather he had down syndrome or not but that everything looked OK.

Two weeks after that ultrasound I started discharging what I thought pregnancy discharge was which I have read that during second trimester it increases. So I began to use pant liners and it was not enough, so I began to use pads. I was so busy at work that week that I tried not to worry but then on a Friday afternoon I called my nurse and asked if this was normal. She told me that it was too late for the doctor to see me but to schedule an appointment for Monday unless I experienced pain or spotting to call the on call doctor.

Friday and Saturday night I was having what I thought it was gas pain but they were contractions and Sunday morning I finally called the doctor and told me to go to Labor and Delivery. Once I got to the Hospital I was 2cm dilated and all the amniotic fluid was gone. Luke's heartbeat was strong and he was moving on the ultrasound. They said I was going to be on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy and they were trying to stop labor. Listening to Luke's heartbeat gave me peace and Hope that he was going t be OK.. I remember praying to God and telling him that I put both of our lives in his hands and I promised Luke that I was going to be strong not matter what.

I was there all Sunday and Monday morning when they were trying to check on Luke's heart they couldn't find his heartbeat and when finally did his heart rate was 55 which as not good. I remember seeing him move on the screen of the ultrasound and the I felt warm water gushing out of me and the technician went to get the nurses and doctor. They changed my bed and said they had to delivered the baby and I was so scared. I remember pushing and felt something finally came out but no sound and every one was silent. I asked mom to check if that was my baby and said "yes" baby Luke died as he was being born. I was in so much pain because this could not be happening again to me...why?

Then I was asked if I wanted to hold him and how could I say no? I had him in my room the whole day and all my family met him and held him and said goodbye to my little guy. I was blessed because I had him in my arms and my nurses were so amazing that called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" and I have the most beautiful pictures of my little prince. I also have a box of his tiny clothes and blanket. I miss both of my babies but I have a promise to keep and I am not breaking that promise.

We recently found out that Luke was positive of trisomy 21 and at 23 weeks he was not big enough to make it. He was 1 lb 3 oz and 11 in and was the tiniest most perfect little guy I have ever met. We are still waiting for the autopsy report to see if we find out anything else but for now all I know is that I have two angels awaiting for me in heaven and I will see them sooner than later and that alone gives me comfort and Hope.

Merle can be contacted at johnson.merle@yahoo.com