Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Tisha
Mom to William
Mississippi

I am 32, will be 33 this year. Originally from Arkansas, I now live in Mississippi. I have three living sons, one son in heaven, and my first pregnancy was a miscarriage (and I don't know the sex). I was so excited to have my fourth son, you would think after so many boys that I'd be crazy, but I was more than ready to have my team all together. My older two sons are 9 and 7 and they live with their dad about an hour from us. We get them as often as we can, but for now only our 18 month old son lives full time with us. So my emotions were on call pretty much all the time even before William.

I have been a stay at home mom for going on two years now. My second wedding anniversary to my best friend in the world was June 21st. He was my true first love from when we were 16, and then I found him again a couple of years ago after my divorce. We found out we were preggo with William when we were on a camping trip to a river that we've both gone to since we were kids. I remember exactly when I "knew." We were taking the tent down, and I just seemed to be starving. We came home and I took a test and sure enough it was positive.This was my early birthday present! My birthday was August 29th and we found out we were expecting again on August 14th. 

Now, mind you, we have a six month old at this time. When he was born my amniotic fluid was low, so it was an emergency c section and he was in the NICU for 8 days. So imagine my fear just simply from that experience to know that another baby was coming so soon. My older sons came into this world as nature intended, and just as normal as the wind that blows. But Lil' Eli gave me a scare. Now we were expecting another we couldn't have been happier. My hubs was sure this one was a girl and I just knew it wasn't. I'm a momma to all boys, how could it be a girl, right? haha. 

At our u/s we found out it was another boy, and I was elated, as well as my hubs. Now my big boys they were just plain mad that we weren't having a sister. I think that is so funny (they still want a sis) :) So onto waiting on this baby thing to do the do. I really started losing my patience waiting on William to come. I finally made it to the last couple of weeks, and I was going to attempt a vbac with Will. I wanted to participate in the birth of my son, not them just cut me and take him out. So I am 39 weeks and 2 days, going to my doc for a checkup on a Wednesday. He had to look around a little bit, then he did find his heartbeat. Everything sounded completely normal. So I left and come home, and tried walking with my mom, since she had come earlier that week to hopefully be there when I went into labor. We tried swinging at the playground, hoping gravity would help get him here sooner. I was 50 % effaced and dialated to about 1.5. I had been having contractions for a couple of weeks so I just knew he would be here soon. 

Thursday we planted flowers together. All the while I'd hoped my flowers wouldn't die once Will was here due to neglect :( How ironic that my flowers are doing fine now. Anyway, Thursday evening, we hung out on the deck in the back yard and I felt William move so hard up on one of my sides, your daddy got the camera and took a picture. Little did we know that would be the last picture of you alive inside my tummy. Friday morning I get up and get on facebook as usual. One of my friends is a volunteer photographer for Now I Lay me Down to Sleep, and had a link posted to view photos. I had never heard of this site so naturally my curiosity got the best of me and I looked. I'd never seen such sad photos of beautiful babies that went to heaven. In my last days of pregnancy I thought I'm crazy to be looking at this, what is wrong with me?

So that 's Friday around 9 or so. Lunchtime, and hubby comes home. My stomach feels like it's contracting, but I don't think I've felt William move any. Am I going crazy, or did that website just scare the shit out of me? I must be overreacting. I tell my hubs and he says it's probably okay, just call your doctor and see what they say. I waited til we finished lunch, then I called and they told me better be safe than sorry and to come in and we could ease my mind. That way I wouldn't have to go all weekend worrying. So I get in around 1:45. My doc isnt there, so I have to see a nurse practioner. She comes in with the Doppler, and doesn't find his heartbeat. I had that eerie feeling that I already knew. She said not to panic yet, that the battery was dying on the Doppler, and went to get me into u/s. I believe she knew as well and just didn't know how to tell me. I waited for 30 minutes, an ultimate lifetime, to go into the u/s room. All the while my momma is there holding my hand with me. My nurse that has been with me over the past two years sees me and comes to ask what is going on. I told her they couldn't find his heartbeat and I could see the look in her eyes as tears just rolled down her face. It wasn't looking good. And to see the true emotion from her. I still did not want to believe what was yet to come.

It's finally our turn in the u/s room and I climb onto the table. I notice I've never seen this u/s tech before and what she's about to have to do can only be the worst part of a job ever. I see Williams lil rib cage, and no blinking light, and I KNOW, deep in the deepest part of my soul, I see his heart isn't beating. The tech tells me "I'm sorry I don't see a heartbeat," and I rolled over on my side and started sobbing, my moms arms wrapped around me. I hear her asking questions. She doesn't understand, and that's all I kept repeating. I just don't understand. My mom was still in disbelief until into the room comes my nurse, sobbing as well. My mom said "Trena, he's still ok isn't he? How can he not be?" Trena told my mom, "Your daughter needs you to be strong right now for her. He is gone, but she needs you now." 

My mom finally accepted the truth they were telling us. He was gone. Nothing, just absolutely no reason. A doctor came in and had the nerve to ask if I was still going to attempt the vbac. Usually they don't like to induce during the vbac, but we weren't concerned about harming the baby anymore since he was dead. OMG, I could have literally slapped the hell out of him. I decided there was no way in hell I could emotionally be induced into labor and actually push him out knowing he wasn't alive. So I had to wait 8 hours for my c section because my mom said I had a drink of Diet Coke at 1:30. They bring us out of the u/s room and try to put us in the back of some shitty back room to call my hubs to come there with us and just for us to wait. I couldn't sit there. I had to go outside and I know those women waiting for their appointments heard me outside simply sobbing with my mom. I won't forget my thoughts when I had to call my hubs and tell him, we lost him. I was stricken with guilt, sorrow, disillusioned. MY Hubby lost his brother in a tragic car accident 9 yrs ago. How can I tell him now our son has died and I don't know why. I have my mom call my dad and at least tell him what's happening. He lives in Texas. Then I called my ex to tell him to not tell our boys just yet about their brother. He was in tears as well. 

My hubs shows up and we decide we are not going immediately to the hospital. We come home and both our moms, my stepdad and sister-in-law, as well as lil Eli are just trying to help me get my stuff. My hospital bag was already in the car so we were trying to figure out where Eli was going during my Will's birth and so on. I remember going into our room, where I had Will's bassinet, and hitting the floor onto my knees, and sobbing. I don't want to do this. I just don't want to do this. My sister-in-law came in with me, and got down on the floor and told me we will do this together. Finally we get to the hopsital at 7 ish and have to wait for a room. You know all the joyous families out in the waiting room, well that is what we got to sit and watch for 1 hour before we went back to our room. It was horribly beautiful. I have such a love for life and glorious blessings, that I know God meant for it to be this way, and I was so happy for those mothers, fathers, sisters and families, yet my mind could still not fathom what had happened to our son.

I get in my room, my nurse is getting the usual info and it's just like so surreal, that we were about to do this whether I liked it or not. I hate more than anything in this world that I had no choice about Will's life. I understand God always has a plan, but this is too much. She gives me meds. I didn't want to be completely knocked out and I did want to see my son right after birth. They drugged me a little more than I liked, but I do remember seeing my hubs holding him, and just looking at him. Then I remember being in my recovery room. I knew that after an hour of recovery, that we could see our son. I wanted to so bad. I was so scared, scared of what I didn't know. Would he be disfigured, would he be blue? You don't think of any of those things once you see your child, but your mind runs away with thoughts any other time. I'm finally ready and here he comes. I can't sit up, because of the surgery and the drugs. I can't even hold my arms up enough to hold him on my own. My hubs has to hold him for me, so I can kiss his lil forehead and look at his perfect lil face. He was bruised from just being in the birth canal, like he was trying with all his might to push his way out, and then God said "No my child, you were not meant for here."

Other than that, the docs said there was a blood clot in the cord. They didn't know if that was the reason or not. We refused the autopsy. We both agree that God had this plan and I don't want my child to go through anymore since he's already an angel. God gave me my answer and that has no answer to it, simply my faith telling me this was how it's supposed to be. I was blessed enough to have our family come in and get to see our son. My mom was so thankful to be able to simply hold her grandson and tell him she loved him. I do have some regrets, such as I could have asked to have him again after I had recovered from the drugs a little. I didn't know that then. I wished I gave him his first and only bath. I wish I would have dressed him, or even unwrapped his blanket, and looked at his entire lil lanky body, arms, legs, and my fave, baby toes. All those regrets don't hold a candle to how thankful I am I at least did give him kisses and told him how much his mommy loved him. I told him I WILL HOLD YOU AGAIN ONE DAY. My sweet William. 

I then let them take him away from me forever. They did have the courtesy to not place me on the maternity floor, since I'd be there for 3 days for healing from surgery. I remember after getting on that floor at 4:30 that morning a nurse brought in a box. I was awake and was so curious as to what she had. She told me the nurse from L& D got this for us, and I wanted to see immediately. I think she was trying to protect my emotions by trying to tell me there were pictures in there of him and if I was ready or not. I said I'm READY. Please let me look in that box now. I did, and the wonderful gracious nurse that prepared me for my section had purchased a memory box, which contained a gown, a stitched lil cap, a lil heart pillow with a small ring, a clay footprint and handprint, the paper with his lil footprints on it and pictures of him in that gown and hat. Also a lil yellow handmade blanket. I was so shocked that she did that. If she hadn't I would have only one picture of our son on hubbys phone. I am so very grateful and wish I could hug her neck, and one day I will. I will return to that hospital and let her know how thankful I am for her compassion. I know that goes above and beyond their job description. 

Upon arriving home from the hospital guess what flowers are blooming the most, my sweet williams, or dianthus as some people call it. I was pleased at least that those were in full bloom. It gave me some sort of weird peace. I guess that tells of my most heartbreaking moments in my life so far, and trust me there have been plenty. My faith and strong spirit have made it through all of the other trials in my life and I know God's hand has carried me through this one so far. I know I must give time TIME to do what it will do and heal my broken soul. I believe I will try for another child also, even though I'll fear the worst at the end the entire time. I must still have my faith, if I lose that, then where will that leave me? If you happened to have read this, thanks for listening to my rant. Really not a rant, I simply had to get it out, and here it is. But thanks anyway for reading. May God grant peace to us all, we are his chosen ones to carry his angels, and I do feel special for that alone. God Bless.