Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Kimberley

Missed miscarriage #1, loss confirmed on New Years' Eve, 2009, ERPC January 5th, 2010

Missed miscarriage #2, loss confirmed April 12th, 2010, ERPC April 19th, 2010

High Wycombe, UK

With our first son (born in 2007), I fell pregnant easily and had an uncomplicated pregnancy/birth. Afterwards I experienced post-natal depression and as a result it took until September 2009 to decide that I was ready to try and conceive baby number 2.

Again I fell pregnant easily and on the 4th of October 2009 we were delighted to have a positive pregnancy test. We were due in July 2010 and I started planning straight away. I researched Doula’s, homebirths and more importantly names. I threw myself into being pregnant and sure enough the sickness started at 5 weeks on the dot, everything was fine and my morning sickness even tailed off around 8 weeks. Two days before our scheduled 12 week scan I had slight brown spotting, I tried not to think too much about as I was confident the scan would show everything was ok and on the morning of the scan we left full of smiles, laughter and happiness that we would finally see our baby.

We walked into the room and I noted the monitor on the wall positioned so the person on the bed could see the scan. I was so pleased I wouldn’t be craning my neck to see what was going on. The scan started with an abdominal scan and straight away I could tell something was wrong, I couldn’t see a distinguishable baby dancing around the screen. I was asked if I was sure of my dates, I think they thought I could be fewer weeks than my last missed period would suggest. I started to worry and the sonographer sent me to the bathroom to empty my bladder, she would try an internal scan as the baby might just be hiding. I hopped on the bed again and she was very gentle as she probed around looking for the baby. My partner was holding one hand, the sonographer the other as she broke the news to us ‘I’m afraid it isn’t good news’.

Although I was 12 weeks along the baby only measured about 6-8 weeks. My baby had died at least 4 weeks ago and I never knew. We were led to a side room to discuss our options. Seeing the words there in black and white hammered it home.

Miscarriage.

I couldn’t decide what I wanted to happen so we were allowed to leave and go home to miscarry naturally. I could call at any point and let them know if I changed my mind and wanted medical intervention. Going home to break the news to family that the scan hadn’t been good was very hard. I felt I was letting them all down and on New Years Eve of all days. We were supposed to be celebrating. I phoned my dad and he didn’t understand, he thought we would be going back for another scan and everything would be ok. I didn’t have it in me to tell him outright, my brother did that for me a few days later. Over the weekend I became more and more anxious about miscarrying on my own. I called the hospital and said I wanted an ERPC (similar to a D&C) which was scheduled for the 5th of January when I would be almost 13 weeks. As it was scheduled day surgery we were home before lunch, the miscarriage was over. It was time to heal.

We waited until my normal cycle resumed and went back to trying to conceive. I had bought a book, ‘Taking charge of you Fertility’ which recommended a charting site. My temperatures were erratic but yet again we were successful and on the 4th of March I was showing a positive test to my partner. The due date was the 15th November and we were cautiously happy.

We didn’t tell anyone this time and it wasn’t hard to hide, I wasn’t being sick or experiencing any other symptoms. I called the Early Pregnancy Unit, as per my doctor’s instructions, asking for an early reassurance scan for around 7 weeks. I was advised they didn’t do them unless you happened to be spotting, in pain or both. I wasn’t so didn’t push it. The next day I started spotting brown blood, I was near hysterical and had to endure a lengthy phone call with a doctor who took over 30 minutes to decide I was capable enough of knowing my period was late, I’d had a positive pregnancy test and was in fact pregnant. He arranged a scan for a few days time and all we could do was wait.

The early scan started as normal with the songrapher having a good wiggle around on my stomach, she couldn’t see anything but we were told it could be too early and they would need to do an internal. At this point my partner took our son from the room to give us some privacy. I was alone when the question ‘are you sure of your dates?’ was asked. Again I was sure and had the charts to back up when I ovulated. At this point I knew in my heart this pregnancy would not progress but as I was only 7 weeks they required me to be rescanned ten days later on the 12th of April, I would be 9 weeks.

This time the sonographer didn’t turn on the screen facing the table, I was glad as I didn’t want to see my empty womb, didn’t want to see what I already knew, I just didn’t want to believe I could miscarry again. But I had and we were led back to the same side room as before, given the same leaflets and the same options. I opted for the medical management route, I didn’t want a second ERPC so soon after the first and believed as I was less further along it would be ok. I had to wait until the end of the week to start the process and again I was worried I would miscarry at home or worse, at work. I needn’t have worried as even the medical management didn’t make my body pass all the tissue and I ended up having a second ERPC in just 15 short weeks. This time it wasn’t done through the day surgery and in total I stayed in hospital for 2 nights.

It took longer for me to acknowledge my feelings regarding the second miscarriage. I carried on as normal for about 2 weeks before it all came crashing down on top of me.

I’m now left wondering was it something I did on both occasions that made me miscarry, I need someone to blame and naturally I blame myself. I never thought I would be writing all this. I never thought I would miscarry and certainly not twice in one year. I’m angry at my body for not growing my babies as it should and then when they died not miscarrying naturally. I feel I can never trust it again and yet I must because we are not defeated just yet. We will try again and I hope that next time we are not brought faced with miscarriage again.

Kimberley blogs at www.rm07.blog.com

You can contact her at Kimberley_h_carter@hotmail.com