Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Hope

Mom to Ryan Alexander

Confirmed miscarriage at 18 weeks

April 3rd, 2006

Lewisberry, PA

My name is Hope.  My husband, Ben, and I were married in September of 2002.  Neither of us were ready for children right away so we waited a few years to give it a try.  We got pregnant in October of 2004 and the pregnancy was great!  We welcomed our first son, Drew, into the world on July 1, 2005 (40 weeks gestation) via Cesarean Section.

When Drew was around 7 months old, I felt like I had the flu and I just couldn’t shake it.  This had been going on for a few weeks and after having enough, I scheduled an appointment with my family doctor to see if there was something she could do for the body aches, nausea and my feelings of fatigue.   The doctor couldn’t believe that I had been feeling bad for this long and she asked me if there was any chance that I was pregnant.  I looked at her and laughed because I was still breast feeding Drew.  She had my blood tested and called me shortly after to let me know that I was pregnant.  I just about fainted.

I cried all night long from the shock.  My husband is very supportive and we loved Drew like crazy but we just didn’t know if we were ready for another baby yet.  Once we came to terms with getting ready to have another baby, I made the OB appointment and had our first ultrasound to see how far along I was.  Once you see that baby on the screen, everything seems so real and you get excited!  I was thrilled to find out that our little one was about 10-11 weeks along.

The 14 week appointment was just the same.  Listen to the heartbeat and weight check.  Everything was still going well.  

At the 18 week appointment, Ben decided to go along.  It’s a good thing that he did because the OB could not find the heartbeat.  My heart was in my throat!!!  We decided to do a quick ultrasound in the office to see if the baby was just turned in an awkward position and we couldn’t hear the heartbeat.

No such luck.  We found out on April 3, 2006 at approximately 9:30AM that our unexpected gift was no longer thriving in the womb.  I was told to go directly over to the hospital and an induction would be started.  I begged for another ultrasound just to be sure and was turned down.  My heart was breaking and I had to sit in a hospital room hooked up to monitors and a pitocin drip. 

At approximately 11:30PM, I gave birth to our 2^nd son, Ryan Alexander.  He was tiny (less than 1 pound) and he looked so perfect.  The color of his skin indicated that he had passed quite a while before the OB appointment.  I cried until there was nothing else to cry.  I held him 2 more times until they took him away.  

I’ll never forget Ryan or any of the details leading up to his birth.  I think about him every day and would love to still have him here with us.  It took me a long time to get over the guilt of some things I did before I knew that I was pregnant with him (Skiing, bobsledding, a few drinks here and there, using a hot tub).  I talked with a medical professional who asked me to stop beating myself up over what had happened and explained to me that it wasn’t my fault.

A year later, Ben and I were ready to try again.  So, in January of 2008, we gave birth to Nathan – a 3^rd   baby boy!

The pain doesn’t completely go away but it does subside.   No one can really say anything to make it better but it does help to know that you have support if you need it.