Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Cheryl

Mom to Baby September, miscarried at 5 weeks, 3 days in January, 2009

and Baby Boy, miscarried at 14 weeks, 3 days in May, 2009

Ellicot City, MD

My husband and I started trying for a baby in 2008. I got my first positive test on December 31, 2008 and drank sparkling juice at the New Year’s party. I had a bad feeling right from the start, though.  I took more pregnancy tests and noticed that the super dark line had been replaced with a faint line, almost no line at all. When I miscarried on January 10, 2009 – 5 weeks and 3 days - I was terribly upset, but not surprised. I thought that was the worst day of my life. My husband had been out of town for the weekend and I had to tell him when he got home. 

 I went into the doctor to verify the miscarriage. She did an ultrasound and couldn’t tell that I had ever even been pregnant.  The doctor advised us to wait one cycle and to try again.

We got pregnant right away and I knew I would see that positive line on March 4th. Every appointment for this baby was perfect - perfect heartbeat at 6 weeks, perfect size with arms and legs at 10 weeks, perfect NT scan at 12 weeks. Then I went in for my 14 week appointment on May 18, 2009. This time I wasn’t nervous – I even had a good blood pressure check because I was so calm. Then the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat with the Doppler and I got worried. She did an external ultrasound and we couldn’t see a heartbeat. She rushed me to the hospital grade ultrasound and we could see a perfectly formed, still, silent, baby. I could see every detail, even a tiny ribcage - but no heartbeat. The baby was measuring 12 weeks and 6 days, just a few days after we’d last seen him for the NT scan. My husband had been there for the 6 week appointment and the NT scan. I told him he didn’t need to come to this 14 week appointment because we were doing great and he was so busy at work. I had to call him to come meet me at the doctor’s office.

I was given two options. I could take some medication and wait it out or I could have a D&C. I opted for the D&C as soon as possible. My 5 week miscarriage was unbearable. I don’t think I could handle this one – also, the doctor wasn’t actually giving me the option. She said it was possible, but not something she recommended.

We went home from the doctor and broke down. It was such a strange feeling. I felt fine; it was a beautiful May day. But I wasn’t actually pregnant anymore. My stomach started to feel like I was carrying a lead weight around. Each of us called our moms – just remembering this brings back so much sadness. Both of them were devastated. My dad called me in the afternoon and just cried on the phone. That has to be one of the worst moments of my life. But it was also a time when I realized just how loved I am. That afternoon I took all of our baby stuff and put it away. Better to do it then, while I was kind of in shock, then to do it after the D&C. I didn’t want to come home and see the reminder of the baby everywhere. The hospital called me to tell me I’d have to be there at 7:30 the next morning for the surgery.

That night was awful. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I threw up before bed. I wasn’t allowed to eat after midnight, but I probably didn’t have any food or water after 6 and I had thrown up the little dinner we had.

The surgery was way easier than I thought. We arrived at the hospital where the check-in and blood draw went easy. They sent me back to the pre-op room by myself, which was hard. I had to get changed and sit and wait by myself for a while. I cried off and on, the nurses and the anesthesiologist came and went. They were all so nice to me. A chaplain came in and gave me some information and held my hand while I cried. Eventually, my husband was able to come in and wait with me. I remember being in the operating room, but not much past that. I woke up in the recovery room and just laid there crying. My husband came back after a little while and I was able to eat a little and get dressed to go home. We were home before noon. I had been dreaming about leaving the hospital with our baby, but all we left with were a few pamphlets about grief.

I spent the summer afterwards crying, and reaching out to other women who were in the same position.  It was the only thing that kept me going. Few people in my life knew how overwhelmed I was. Our lives seemed to be filled with people having babies and I couldn’t be around any of them.

I found out I was pregnant for the third time a few days before my first due date. I spent the entire time afraid that I would lose this one as well. My husband came to every single appointment with me, just in case. And I have a happy ending - exactly one year after my D&C, at the same hospital, my beautiful, healthy son was born. 

 Cheryl blogs at http://cheryllookingforward.blogspot.com/