Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jen
Mom to Aiden Arthur
Stillborn on June 8th, 2010 at 35 weeks
Wyoming, MN

Aiden Arthur was stillborn on June 8th, 2010 at 35 weeks. After a long complicated pregnancy. I had a placental abruption due to pre-eclampsia. It has only been 6 weeks since my angel Aiden went to heaven. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. The pain is getting less as the weeks go by. This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. You end up trying to find a new normal. Your life will never be the same after losing a baby.

Here is my story:

My husband Eric and I tried to get pregnant for over 2 years including 7 IUI's. So when we were blessed with a positive pregnancy in October of 2009 we were excited. Our little Aiden Arthur was Due July 10th, 2010. For the most part I felt great for the first trimester. Then on Dec 29th I woke up feeling extremely sick and dizzy. I tried to walk to the bathroom but I was so dizzy I couldn't even walk. So I crawled to the bathroom. Eric found me laying on the floor of the bathroom. We made our way to the hospital. I seriously felt like I was going to die. I have never been so sick in my life.

After several hours in the ER the Dr. diagnosed me with vertigo. I was hospitalized for several days. The vertigo did get better but it never went away fully. I went to endless Dr appointments to get this under control. The Dr's finally said it was due to my pregnancy for some reason and the vertigo won't go away until after the birth sometime. I still had 20 weeks to go at this point. As if this wasn't enough to deal with, my hands started to go numb and tingly. It got to the point that I could barely pick up things with my right hand. So I started going to therapy twice a week. I had splints/braces made that I had to wear when sleeping. This went on for several weeks.

My feet started to swell as well. This whole time I felt like I had all the signs of pre-eclampsia. Dr's won't diagnose you with pre-eclampsia until your blood pressure is considered high. My blood pressure was normally very low. Throughout the pregnancy my blood pressure started to rise as the weeks went by. It wasn't until week 35 that it was considered high.

I went to the Dr on Friday June 4th. She told me I had pre-eclampsia and I had to do a 24 hour urine collection and return on Monday AM. I was put on moderate bed rest for the weekend. Sunday I awoke wondering if I had felt Aiden move at all yesterday. I waited until mid afternoon and still no movement. So I went in just to be safe. I didn't want to be seen like a crazy first time mom always going in to be checked. So I didn't tell anyone, I just went in.

I really didn't think anything would be wrong. I had this scare once before and everything was fine. Well my worst nightmare was confirmed. The nurse said there is no heartbeat. She said she was sorry there is nothing they can do. My heart dropped. I just remember screaming and crying at this point. The nurse told me I should call my husband and family. I just felt sick, I had to call Eric and let him know that our baby wasn't alive. It was only his second week at his new job. So we were concerned about him missing time at work. I am not sure if he even understood what I was telling him because I was crying so hard. He came to the hospital right away. I called my mom and Eric's parents as well. These were the worst calls of my life.

Once my husband got there I lost it again. He kept telling me it will all be ok, we will get through this. I was devastated we just lost our little boy that we worked so hard to get. The nurse then moved us to a labor room. The Dr. started me on cervidil to start my cervix to soften. This takes 12 hours but the first one didn't work so I had to do another round of it. The nurse came in during these first 24 hours and asked us to start thinking about the process and what our wishes are for Aiden. This just crushed me. We had to make a decision on a funeral home. I went in and out of crying hysterically the whole time we were in the hospital. I just couldn't believe this was happening. We were so close to the due date. We just finished the nursery, I had almost everything set.

I was given pain medication and sleeping medication as well. The Dr. ended up starting the Pitocin on Monday the 7th in the afternoon. I was in labor all Monday night and on Tuesday morning I gave birth at 8:46am. Aiden weighted 4 lbs 14 oz and was 17 1/2 inches long.

We had a photographer named Michelle with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come in and take photos of us and Aiden. I normally would have taken photos but I couldn't even think at that point. We had a few precious hours with Aiden. There comes a point when you have to let him go. He was such a beautiful baby. I remember feeling this happiness because he was so beautiful and perfect. We had made a beautiful baby.

But after several hours the reality of it all came slamming back down on us. The funeral home came to the hospital as soon I called them. It was really nice that they came so quickly. But we knew once they left they would be taking Aiden with them.

The days and weeks that followed were a complete living hell. We decided to have Aiden cremated. We couldn't bear the though of a funeral or a burial. We want time to ourselves to grieve. We tried to find the perfect urn for him. Once we got the urn we had to go pick up Aiden from the funeral home, which was one of the hardest things for us to do. The funeral home was so nice and just great to us. After all this was done we were still waiting of the pictures to come in the mail. This was the last step we had. The pictures came a few days later. They were just perfect and beautiful.

After all the flowers were delivered and gone, all we have left is the memories and a empty nursery. We wonder if the nursery will ever have a bundle of joy in it. We will be trying again and hope to be blessed with another bundle of joy. Wishing all the moms on this blog happiness and peace.

We will always miss Aiden and think of him daily.

You can contact Jen at jend.ritchie@gmail.com
You can also find her on facebook (Jen Ritchie)