Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Marissa

Mom to Baby Ayden

October 14th, 2009

Texas

After a year of marriage, we decided we wanted to try for our first child. On June 26, 2009 we found out we were expecting our first child. It was the happiest day of our lives. We told out parents immediately and we even texted my husband's Mom a pic of the pregnancy test at 5 oclock in the morning. We were elated!

We went for our first ultrasound at 7 weeks and saw that flickering heart. It was amazing to know I had a life growing inside of me. He looked just like a little blob, but was loved already so much. At 10 weeks, I went to the restroom and had a gush of red blood when I wiped. I immediately freaked out and started crying all day. I went to the doctor and had another u/s the next day. There he was with a nice strong heart beat and he even waved hi to us. I was so relieved and loved him more then before.  At 12 week, we had the nt scan, all my blood work came back fine and he looked great, but they said I had cysts on my ovaries, so I needed to come back in 2wks. I of coarse was nervous, but I figured all would be ok. After 2 weeks, I went back for another u/s and my doctor said all was well, yes I had cysts but they were nothing to worry about. I was relieved! At 16wks I went for my afp testing and heard his heart beat. This was the last time I would know he was ok.

About a week later they called and said my afp came back high, 1:10 chance of a neural tube defect and I would have to see a peri. The peri's office could not get me in for a couple weeks. On October 9, 2009 I went in to the peri's office expecting to find out the sex of our baby and that everything was going to be ok. This was the last day I had any innocence about pregnany. When she put the probe on my stomach, I saw him, but she did not say anything. She froze the screen and took a measurement of his head and body and then said these words, "The first thing that concerns me is the size of your placenta, the second is he is measuring small, and lastly there is no heart beat." She said I had a partial molar pregnancy.The pain I felt after hearing those words were surreal. I just remember thinking this has to be a nightmare. Please wake me up! Only it wasn't. It was real and the look in my husbands eyes, I will never forget. I went through so many emotions during those few minutes. It was the worst moment of my life and no one should ever have to feel that pain. I am so sorry for anyone who has to and your babies will never be forgotten.

They told me I had to wait all weekend to see the doctor. Knowing my baby was dead inside of me and I had to wait two days to even be seen was horrible. I just kept looking at my stomach and saying why?! On Monday, I went to see my ob, he told me he needed to refer me to another doctor because I was too far along and he did not feel comfortable. I was referred to another doctor and on Monday and Tuesday I was dilated. I was so scared and depressed, everything is such a blur during this time. I was put in a room all alone on Wednesday, hooked up to an iv balling and shaking. On Wednesday, October 14, 2009 at 19weeks 2 days, Ayden was taken away from me. The doctor told me he was a boy then, not really the way I thought I would find out.

After all of this, it took me a long time to heal. I am still healing a year later. With the help of God, I have been able to make it through the last year. I know Ayden is in heaven and is watching over us. One day we will meet again.