Yaneri

Mom to Arianna Naomi Foster

December 14th, 2010

Baltimore, Maryland

Arianna had Turner Syndrome. Not full blown Turner Syndrome, but Mosaic Turner Syndrome (45x 47xxx). Doctors called it sporadic. Doctors said it’s rare. Called it an “error” in cell division. Happens in 1 out of 2500 births. That’s a .0004% chance of happening…and it happened to me. I am the statistic. I will never look at probability the same ever again.

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Jennifer

Mom to Avery Michael Davis

February 10th, 2010
And Multiple Miscarriages

Pasadena, Maryland

My story began about 5 years ago, my husband and I were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Abby and in hopes to have another baby one day.  Our hopes were to have 3 children.  When my daughter was around 1, we found out I was pregnant.  We are overjoyed, happy, and excited.  Then on February 14th I had my 1st miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant.  

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Megan

Mother to Isaiah 

August 4th  - August 10th, 2004

and Stacey Jr.

Born and Died July 19th, 2005

Capitol Heights, Maryland

I never realized how delicate life was until I lost my two infant sons.

I am a mother to a little boy, who is eleven, going on fifty, and I am also the mother to two other little boys who never got to see the sun rise or the sun set. When strangers saw my round belly two years later (while I was then-pregnant with my little one, who is now three), they used to ask me, “Oh, is this your first?” And I didn’t know if I should tell them, “No, this is my fourth, but I lost two,” or keep them out of my business and simply smile and tell them, “No, this is my second.” But if I had told them the latter, I would have ended up feeling guilty, as if I were denying my two little boys’ existence.

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Nicole

Mom to Hunter Joe

January 31st, 2011

Laurel, Maryland

I can honestly say that the day that I lost Hunter was THE worst day I have ever had in my entire life!  No exaggerations.  I was mostly numb that day, due to pain meds and preparing for it for almost a week.  

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Ashley

Baby Harris

July 12th, 2010

Lothian, Maryland

My husband and I decided 2 months after we got married that it was time to start a family. After over a year and a half of trying, with the help of Clomid, my 3rd cycle we got our BFP, June 25,2010.  I was happier than I had ever been.  And then the bleeding started.  

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Kelly

Mom to Adam James

November 13th, 2010 - January 11th, 2011

Pasadena, Maryland

Adam had a cold a few days before the hospitalization that led to his death. He was our fussy little guy, but with his cold, his fussiness increased. He slept a lot and when he was awake, he fussed. He had a lot of congestion, which made it difficult for him to eat. We were constantly using the bulb syringe to help him breathe better. Around 10:30 pm on 1-9-11, I fed Adam and then gave him to my husband so that I could go to bed. Adam was smiling and coo'ing away with my husband, and we both sat back and enjoyed it for about a half hour since this was the first time we saw Adam be so happy in a few days. We both even asked him if he was feeling better. Around 11:30 or so, I headed to bed and my husband stayed up with Adam.

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Kelly

Mom to Elise Renee Tagliaferri

April 6th, 2009

Whiteford, Maryland

My name is Kelly.

I have 5 children...4 with feet, 1 with wings.

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Danielle

Mom to Zachary Jonathan

Left on October 28th, 2010 at 21 weeks, 6 days gestation

Maryland

On Friday, October 8th, My boyfriend Jon and I went for our first ultrasound appointment. We had just gone to my regular OB for the second pre-natal visit. We listened to our baby’s heartbeat; it was perfectly healthy. Because I found out very late that I was pregnant, this was only the beginning for us. I had been on birth control and did not expect to become pregnant, so I had not been taking vitamins or trying to get myself into “baby-making” shape. But of course once I found out I began right away and got the first appointment available to make sure everything was going well.

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Jennifer

Mom to Jennyfur Angel, Due June 8th, 2002, Grew Wings December 26th, 2001

Glory Michelle

Baby Bean, September 10th, 2010

and 10 unnamed Angels

Bowie, Maryland

Over the past 11 years, I have held 16 precious little babies inside of me. I have been graced by 3 of them here on earth. The other 13 have grew wings and found their home above in heaven with the lord. Out of the 13 angels I have looking down upon me, I only knew the sex of one, had named her & started preparations for her arrival. 

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Jeanie

Mom to twins, Chloe Danielle and Zoe Grace 

Stillborn at 22 weeks on August 20th, 2007

Due to undiagnosed Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome

Frederick, Maryland

I was 39 years old, working full-time and trying to divide myself between two toddlers, two high school seniors and a full blown (and quite ugly) custody battle over my two elementary school aged daughters who had been kidnapped by their father (my ex) two years prior. My marriage wasn’t exactly the Rock of Gibraltar sort of relationship during that time and honestly having a baby wasn’t exactly in the forefront of my mind. But there I was. Pregnant. Again. 

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Michelle

Mom to 1st Baby miscarried at 10 weeks

Maryland by way of Illinois

May 29, 2009 marks one of the worst days of my life. It was the day that I found out I was never really pregnant. My body had been paying a cruel trick on me for about 10 weeks. I found out I was pregnant in April 2009, at that time it was one of the best days of my life. However, things were strange from the beginning. My hormones levels would rise every time I would have my blood drawn but they would never double like they were supposed to. I kept hearing things like “maybe the dates are off” or “everyone is different” but I knew something was not right. Then came May 29, I remember that day like it was yesterday. My entire world came crashing down in a matter of seconds. The doctor did an ultrasound, he was able to see a sac but there was no baby. There never was a baby. The was the day I learned the term blighted ovum.

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Cheryl

Mom to Baby September, miscarried at 5 weeks, 3 days in January, 2009

and Baby Boy, miscarried at 14 weeks, 3 days in May, 2009

Ellicot City, MD

My husband and I started trying for a baby in 2008. I got my first positive test on December 31, 2008 and drank sparkling juice at the New Year’s party. I had a bad feeling right from the start, though.  I took more pregnancy tests and noticed that the super dark line had been replaced with a faint line, almost no line at all. When I miscarried on January 10, 2009 – 5 weeks and 3 days - I was terribly upset, but not surprised. I thought that was the worst day of my life. My husband had been out of town for the weekend and I had to tell him when he got home. 

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Lori
Mother to John Matthew Ennis, 6lbs, 6oz., 22in. Long
November 28th, 2009-November 29th, 2009
Great Mills, Maryland

My husband and I began to build our family in 1999. He’d just finished flight school in Pensacola, Florida and we were headed to North Carolina for several years of duty. It was a perfect time to start a family.

Life happened. Things didn’t go as planned. We tried on our own for about 2 years and realized that we might need to look into some help as nothing was working. We saw several specialists and I went through several procedures (and he deployments) over the course of the next 4 years and no pregnancy still. The main diagnosis was unexplained infertility, though in one of the many procedures I’d had, mild endometriosis was found and various doctors wavered back and forth on whether that had any effect on my infertility. It didn’t matter; by that time, we had already had several IUIs and were essentially told IVF was the next step.

We were stationed to Maryland in 2006 and looked into various clinics. As we were about to start a cycle, John decided he’d rather adopt because he felt that was a ‘sure thing.’ A year and a half later, as the country from which we were adopting closed, and we were still childless, we turned back to IVF and miraculously got pregnant in March of 2009!

I knew Matthew was a boy from the first ultrasound at 6 weeks! Even when others, including doctors, said he was a girl, I told them they were wrong. And they were. We were finally going to be parents and after over 10 years of trying and waiting faithfully, we had been blessed with our miracle son.

It was a relatively easy pregnancy. At Matthew’s anatomy scan at 20 weeks, the doctor only saw one kidney. This worried me at first, but it is actually very common to have only one kidney and as long as it is a good and functioning kidney, all is fine. It was, though we continued to be heavily monitored for his growth, any other possible problems and my reassurance!

In honesty, though, I felt invincible. Matthew was our promised blessing and I KNEW he was going to be fine. I never, ever doubted that.

By 40 weeks, it was pretty obvious that Matthew was very comfy in “Hotel Mommy” and my doctors made a plan to induce me at 41 weeks. I was 40w2d (Thanksgiving Day) when the hospital called and offered to have me come in the next day! The hospital was very busy the day I was scheduled and if I came in the next day, it’d be a little less busy. We were scared, but excited and checked into the hospital at 7 pm on November 27, 2009.

My labor was slow, and I never progressed past 5 cm, even after nearly a whole day. It was pretty much the consensus that I’d be a c-section, but before that final decision was made, my OB decided to use the internal fetal monitor and see if she could get a better read on Matthew. At that time, she said she’d go ahead and break my water to see if that made a difference. I asked her not to, because if I was going to be a c-section anyway, I didn’t want to make a mess for the nurses. She laughed and said, “Fine,” but while in there, said, “Well…I’m going to go ahead and see if we can make this happen.”

Within a minute, she said, “Mr. Matthew has forced my hand,” and the next thing I knew, I was being prepped for emergency surgery. I was bleeding and they didn’t know what was happening. My OB had me in surgery and Matthew delivered within 10 minutes. The staff said they’d never seen a faster emergency surgery. He was born at 4:56 pm on November 28, 2009.

Matthew was born without a heartbeat, but was revived and whisked to the nursery. I still had no idea of what was going on, and really, no one else did either. Initial guesses were a placental abruption had occurred. My hospital is a small one, without a NICU, and they had a difficult time doing things to a sweet little newborn that he needed to have done. Arrangements were made for him to be med-evaced to Georgetown University’s NICU and he left the hospital around 7:30 or 8. Before he left, they wheeled his helicopter isolette into my room and I was able to touch his little cheek and shoulder. It was the softest skin I’d ever touched. I blew him kisses and told him I’d see him soon.

I still did not believe what had happened, but him surviving was never an issue. He was a perfectly healthy miracle. He would be fine.

Matthew left this earth in his father’s arms at 1:26 am on November 29. He’d lost too much blood, had too much organ damage and just couldn’t survive.

Matthew and I suffered from a very rare pregnancy complication called vasa previa. It occurs in 1:300-5000 births and when prenatally diagnosed, can almost always be managed and babies survive. When not prenatally diagnosed, the fetal mortality rate is 95-100%. Essentially, fetal vessels are not all contained within the cord and when they rupture (or are ruptured when the water is broken), the baby essentially bleeds to death. Even though we’d had extensive monitoring, including looking for conditions like vasa previa, it was a rare presentation of a rare condition and the recommended diagnostic screenings still could not pick it up.

My miracle was gone and I never got to even hold him or see him face to face.

My world will never be the same.

Lori blogs at www.loridoesmd.blogspot.com
You can contact her at johnandlori@md.metrocast.net

Julie
Mother of Kenny
Stillborn on May 1, 2010
Easton, MD

At 35, when my husband Ken was 44, I finally got pregnant for the first time through fertility treatment. We had had three failed IUI's, and without much hope for success, we attempted a fourth IUI cycle, not because we or our doctor thought it would work, but because insurance had already approved it, and we couldn't attempt our first IVF cycle until I lost some weight. Much to our thrilled surprise, it did work! My due date was August 12, 2010.

My pregnancy was completely normal and healthy. I didn't have a single complication or worrisome symptom. At every ultrasound, Baby was right on target for growth, and at 20 weeks we learned we were having the boy we had so hoped for, and that Ken had predicted from the beginning. We were over the moon.

Because of the difficulties we had had getting pregnant, I had sort of expected a miscarriage in the first trimester; I just felt like that would be par for the course for us. But it didn't happen. We sailed into the second trimester, and naively believed we were home free! We spread the word to co-workers, neighbors, church friends, and of course family. We collected used nursery furniture and tons of baby hand-me-downs from friends, we registered, we narrowed down a list of names, we had plans. I met with my Headmaster and planned to miss the beginning of the next school year on maternity leave.

And right when everything was going so well, when I was looking forward to decorating a nursery, when we were trying on different names for size, when my mother-in-law had just finished crocheting a beautiful blanket for our son, and the day after invitations went out for what was to be the first of two baby showers, our lives changed forever. In the middle of a beautiful spring afternoon, while sitting in bed reading with the windows open, my water suddenly and inexplicably broke. I stood up, terrified and confused. I was only 25 weeks. It was way too soon.

Within minutes I discovered that my son's cord had prolapsed, and I went into panic mode. I was home alone. Ken was at work, over an hour from home. I called 911, and in the ambulance, the paramedic called Ken to tell him I was on my way to the hospital. At the hospital, prepared to perform an emergency c-section, they took me into the Labor & Delivery OR and turned on the ultrasound machine. There would be no surgery. My baby was dead. The pressure on his cord had blocked bloodflow.

In shock and despair I was admitted to the hospital, with plans to be induced, but I asked to wait for Ken before this was started. As it turned out, it would take him 2-1/2 hours to arrive because of traffic. When he arrived, I was given an epidural, induced, and spent a night of fitful sleeping, in labor, but not feeling a thing.

Kenny, named after his dad, was born the next morning, Saturday, May 1, 2010, at 6:24am. He was beautiful and perfect, and even big for his age. He was 1lb, 13oz, and 15 inches long. He looked like his daddy, but he had my nose. We spent seven hours with our beautiful, precious boy, heartbroken and unable to understand why this would happen to us after everything we had been through to get pregnant in the first place. I cherish every moment I spent with him, but they will never be enough. I treasure every photo we have of him, but there will never be any more. I remember every kiss I placed on his cold body. We will never get to hear him laugh, to see him take his first steps, to teach him his ABC's. He will never be a student at the school where I teach, and he will never watch a Steelers game with his dad. Our hearts ache for all the things Kenny will never get to do.

We were baffled by the official cause of Kenny's death. To our surprise, it is not considered incompetent cervix. It's simply attributed to preterm premature rupture of membranes (pPROM), but I don't understand how his cord was able to prolapse if I weren't at least a little bit dilated.

I am submitting this to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope eleven weeks after Kenny's death. My due date is fast approaching. I miss him terribly and my dominant emotion these days is anger about the situation in general, and jealousy of women who get to have healthy babies. But every day this grief is the tiniest bit easier to carry. I am blessed with supportive and loving family, friends, and co-workers, and the babyloss sisters I have met online and whose blogs I follow have been my lifeline. To anyone who is new to this life-changing, gut-wrenching journey of grief, I send you the warmest of hugs, and my promise that you are not alone.

Julie blogs at My Sweet Kenny
You can contact her at juliemk@goeaston.net