Miranda

Miscarriage at 9 weeks on February 18th, 2006

Miscarriage at 6 weeks on September 12th, 2009

Kristopher Noble, Stillborn August 1st, 2010

Columbia, Tennessee

My husband and I had only been married four months when I found myself taking three pregnancy tests, unbelieving the little positive signs I kept seeing. Our plan had always been to wait about five years before we started a family, so this twist in our path was a complete surprise.

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Kimberly
Miscarriage January, 2000
Miscarriage January, 2008
Henderson, NV

In November of 1999 I discovered I was pregnant purely by chance. I was still in high school and I went to face my boyfriend with nothing but fear. I knew so many guys who heard those simple words of "I am pregnant" and they ran for the hills. His reaction rocked me to my toes and sealed my future. He was ecstatic. He wanted to get married right away. I spent the next few weeks trying to get up the courage to tell my parents, terrified of their disappointment. I was scared of all the changes. Would I graduate still? How would we provide for a baby? Would my parents allow me to marry? Did I want to marry? Things passed in a blur and then January came. I woke with excruciating pain and heavy bleeding. I managed to make it out of the house and to the local clinic where they confirmed I was having a miscarriage. I was devastated. I may not have been in a good place for a baby but as soon as I had known there was a baby I had felt like I had finally found my destiny. Everything in me screamed to be a mother and despite the fear I had wanted that child more than I had ever wanted anything. I had loved that child with all that I was in those short 12 weeks. I went through life in a fog. I ran on auto-pilot. School, work, more school. (I was doing a combined junior/senior year.) I broke up with my boyfriend. I felt like I had failed him, failed my baby. Something had to be wrong with me. I didn't talk about it to family, to friends. I almost tried to pretend to the world that it had never happened.

I graduated high school in May and spent the summer moping. I moved out on my own as soon as I could and I worked. I reconnected with that guy and we married in March of 2001. A few short months later I found out I was pregnant again because my husband told me so. I spent the next months sick and scared. Every time I cramped I would panic, ever time I was sicker than usual I got scared. I spent most of the pregnancy in bed, terrified and sick. My husband was so supportive even though I knew he was frustrated. In January 2002 we had our healthy Alaina Noel. She was amazing and perfect.

A few years later we decided to try again. It took well over a year before I could get pregnant. My doctor wasn't concerned because I had had a successful pregnancy but I couldn't help worrying. In January 2008 I got my BFP. I was so excited. After all the trying and praying I was finally pregnant again. Our daughter was now 6. We told everyone. I felt wretched but since I had been very sick with our daughter I didn't worry as much. I figured that was just how I was. Then two weeks later I bled. Those old fears flooded back as I rushed to the doctor. A pelvic showed some bleeding but that my cervix was closed. The dr said that it was probably just normal bleeding that can happen and not to worry. They took my blood to check my HcG just in case and told me to return in 2 days to re-check it. I went home and worried. My husband went with me to the next appointment where they re-did my blood work and re-checked my cervix. Still closed. The doctor was very hopeful. That night I was panic stricken as we waited to hear the result. My husband recommended a blessing and so I called my spiritual mentor and received a wonderful blessing. Then the phone rang. My fears were realized. My HcG had dropped significantly. My doctor told me that I could either allow the miscarriage to happen or come in for a D & C. I chose the former. Looking back I think I chose it because I just couldn't accept that I was losing my baby. I think a part of me hoped that the blood work was wrong, that the bleeding would stop, that my baby would be okay. Then the pain hit and I knew my baby was gone. I spent days in bed. I refused to eat or talk. My husband had to call everyone we had told and tell them what had happened. I got so many of the usual comments. "You will have more children.", "This happened for a reason." All that did was hurt me more. Honestly the only thing that didn't hurt was hearing a simple, "I am so sorry." My husband was amazing. I know he was hurt, I know he grieved, but when he was with me all he did was hold and comfort me. When I was ready to talk I tried to with friends or family. I tried with my internet group. I tried with perfect strangers. I got plenty of apologies and sympathy but also a lot of frustration. People telling me to get over it, to move on, to let go. Or berating me when they thought I wasn't listening. I retreated even more except for a few close friends and family. I went to my doctor to find a reason for this and her response was 'I won't be worried until you have another miscarriage." When I asked what we could do to try to prevent the loss she said she wouldn't medically help until after the next loss. I was devastated. I would have to face this fear again and probably the loss because she felt 3 was the magic number to worry over? I also found another doctor. She ran the gamut of tests and discovered that my body dosen't produce enough progesterone at ovulation to sustain a pregnancy. She told me that Alaina was an absolute miracle because I shouldn't have been able to carry her. She also said that I had probably had many other miscarriages that were so early on that I mistook them for late periods. Her course of action was to monitor me closely. As soon as I got pregnant I would go on progesterone and light duty.

I was blown away when in April of 2008 I was pregnant again. I found out on day 23 of my cycle. My HcG was only at 19 so the fact that it even registered on a home pregnancy test was amazing. I found out I was pregnant in a dream. My Grandmother Valerie had passed away and that night I dreamed of her standing on a cloud with a little girl. My grandmother hugged her and then pushed her from the cloud and smiled. As I went to the store the next day to buy tampons and other things I would need as I made the trip to Texas for the funeral I was inspired to buy a test. The line was so faint that I made 3 friends and my husband all look at it. Then we had my HcG tested. My doctor immediately put my on the progesterone and ordered me to take it easy. I was not to lift more than 15 lbs. I was to stay off my feet as much as possible. We re-did my HcG check ever other day and I had ultrasounds at 6 weeks, 11 weeks, 20 weeks, and 24 weeks. I honestly think my grandma told me because she knew that I would have done a lot of heavy work when I went to Texas had I not known. January 2009 our little Alexis Valerie was born. I still have moments when I wonder about those babies. Would they have been boys or girls? Would they have looked like Joey or me? I have times when I ache for those little lost ones but I have so many blessings that I am always reminded that my Heavenly Father is always watching over me and my life has a purpose just as those small spirits had their own purpose.

Kimberly blogs at http://jkawalsh.wordpress.com/
You can contact her at jkaawalsh@gmail.com