Mom to Isaiah Jack
October 28th, 2010
I was pregnant with my third baby and couldn’t have been happier. I already had two beautiful children, and was excited to have the third and then be done having kids. We were going to be such a happy little family! My pregnancy was going well and I never could have imagined that anything would happen that would take my precious little baby away from me.
Throughout my pregnancy I had the feeling that something was wrong with my baby. I first felt him move around 15 weeks, but then didn’t feel him very regularly. I was thinking that I was probably just paranoid because I was just so anxious for the baby to be here. I was never good at kick-counting anyway, so I just tried to dismiss those anxious thoughts.
My husband Gary and I went in for the 20-week ultrasound on Wednesday, October 27th, 2010 and were so excited to see our little baby for the first time. This was the first baby that we didn’t find out the sex, so the ultrasound was just going to be to make sure that the baby was healthy and everything was looking good. When the ultrasound tech started the scan, I could tell right away that something was odd. I also noticed that the baby on the screen wasn’t really moving. After a few measurements, and her questioning our due date, she stood up to excuse herself and said that she’d be right back.
After she was gone for a couple minutes, I turned to Gary and said, “Something’s wrong, she shouldn’t be gone this long.” Sure enough when she came back into the room she told me that my midwife was on the phone to talk to me. I knew right then, and could hardly believe the words I was hearing when my midwife told me that my baby was no longer living. Total shock. I had to hold onto the counter because I could feel my legs giving out from under me.
So on the day we went in to see our healthy little baby, we ended up planning my stillborn baby’s birth. We were planning to give birth at a birth center, which could no longer happen, so we found ourselves traveling to a faraway hospital where we knew no one. Our midwife would meet us there and work closely with the OB to help us through labor and delivery.
I got induced on Thursday morning and then the waiting began. One of the most important things on our minds was choosing a name for our little angel. We thought we had 4 more months to figure out a name! And since we still didn’t know the baby’s gender, we picked out a boy and a girl name.
I am forever grateful that labor went as smooth as possible. We were in such good hands and felt truly cared for. And then our baby was born. I can hardly describe what I was feeling at the time, but it was a mix of complete awe at this little miracle that was born, mixed with the deepest sorrow imaginable. Gary looked a little closer and announced that it was a boy. A boy!! I had wanted a boy so badly for our third. We named him Isaiah, which means God is my Help. We gave him the middle name Jack after his big brother, who was always so excited for his little brother to be here (throughout the pregnancy he insisted that it was a little boy, even though we didn’t know).
We held Isaiah for a long time and just wept. We talked to him, prayed for him, and kissed him. We poured out our love in hugs and tears, knowing this would be the last time we would hold him. I wanted him to be crying. I wanted to nurse him. It was horrible to feel absolutely helpless as his mother; I could do nothing to bring him back.
He was beautiful and perfect in every way and there was no obvious reason for his death. When we held him we admired the ways in which he looked like our other children. He had such amazingly long fingers, big feet, and he was tall. He was our baby.
After having him we decided to get some testing done to see if we could find a reason for Isaiah’s death. To our surprise I was diagnosed with two blood-clotting disorders, MTHFR and Factor V Leiden. This diagnosis made me very aware of two things. First, that I was insanely blessed to have two healthy children. Second, that losing Isaiah possibly saved my life. I would not have known about this had I not lost Isaiah, and that could have put my life in danger. So Isaiah truly is my little angel baby.
There are many days when the sadness is overwhelming. The sadness comes in seeing my children or other babies around me and thinking of all the dreams I had for Isaiah’s life. I know that the sadness will not go away, and that’s okay because I lost my child. But I hope and pray that the sadness will lessen over time, so that I can live a life full of love and happiness- a life that would make Isaiah proud.
You can contact Leah at Leahjean8@hotmail.com