Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Mom to Little Angel, Lost August 19th, 2009
Green River, Wyoming

In April of 2009 my husband and I made the decision to try for a second baby. We had always planned on having our children close together and it just seemed like the right time for us.
I was working at the time and really didn't expect to get pregnant right away. We weren't actively trying just kind of threw caution to the wind and figured it would happen when the time was right. Since I had not even got my period since the birth of my daughter I was sure that it would be quite a wait.

Some weeks after we made the decision I decided to take a pregnancy test. I didn't have reason to believe I was pregnant. I didn't feel sick or light headed. I had zero symptoms.

The morning I decided to take the test there was no anxiety about the outcome, I was pretty sure it would be negative so I took it while on the phone with my best friend who was also trying to conceive at the time. I remember distinctively, I peed on that precious test and waited for the urine to go across the screen. It never went, so I concluded that I had not peed enough. I decided to put a little bit of water on the end to help push the test along. It was positive immediately and I so stunned that I accidentally hung up on my friend.

I ran out of the bathroom and showed my sister. I was so nervous but excited! My husband was at work and had no cell service so I could not tell him. I ran over to my cousins house and showed the couple of family member that were there. They were all excited for me.

Not knowing when I got pregnant exactly I made an appointment right away. They ordered an ultrasound for that Tuesday. I had to go alone because my husband was working and could not get time off but the news was as good as you could expect. I saw our baby and the heart rate. I remember crying and was elated to take my two pictures home to show my husband when he got home. He too was just as excited. I used those ultrasound pics as a bookmark for the following weeks because I loved looking at them every time I opened my book.

When I was 10 weeks pregnant, my friend found out that she was in fact pregnant too. Naturally, I was so excited for her. We were due just 6 weeks apart and it seemed to be perfect that we could share in each others excitement. We could relate to each other about everything. We could search the Internet for baby stuff galore. My world was perfect.

Every week I would go up to my grandmother's house to sweep and mop her floors. The Saturday of my 13th week I was up there like usual for a few hours until my mom decided we should go home. She drove me back down to my house and on the way home I felt a very intense cramp. I looked at her and said "Dang, I just cramped really bad", but honestly I didn't think anything of it.

When I got home I talked to my husband for a few minutes and then decided to take a shower. I went into the bathroom and when I started to get undressed I noticed that my underwear was stained with blood. I immediately started shaking, changed my clothes and called my mom. She told me she was on her way and would take me to the hospital. Inside I hoped it was nothing and even though I cried as I told my husband I was going to the hospital I assured him that he didn't need to come.

At the hospital, the doctor tried to do an ultrasound, he did a pelvic exam and said everything looked fine and didn't see any bleeding. He told me that the ultrasound wouldn't be special or impressive because he is not a tech and doesn't know what he's doing. He just kept saying "I'm just looking to find a heartbeat". The ultrasound was about 10 minutes, he told me two things, that he thought it looked like I was having twins and that he definitely saw a heartbeat. So he scheduled me an ultrasound for the following day.

My husband came with me and I was not upset or scared. My doctor had seen a heartbeat after all. To me we were just confirming whether or not we were having twins. So when the tech stopped talking to us and never turned the screen towards me I knew something was wrong. I saw her measuring but couldn't tell any details really, she was the same tech as before so I knew she was acting different. I asked her if the baby was okay and her response was "I just take the pictures". I knew what that meant and I was so mad inside that she didn't have the guts to tell me. She left the room and I started bawling. My husband just held me as we waited for the doctor to come in and tell us what we already knew, we had lost our baby. We never got details as to when the heart stopped beating or whether or not there were actually twins.

The doctor came in and knew he didn't have to tell me but gave me my options. I could wait it out and see if it happened naturally or I could schedule a D&C. I knew what I wanted and I wanted the D&C to get it over with. He called my OB for me and I waited a few days before calling them myself since nobody had called to schedule a day for the D&C. They could get me in two days later at the soonest, I just told her I wanted scheduled as soon as possible. So the date was set for August 20th.

My OB was 3 hours away and my D&C was scheduled for 6 am so we went down the next day and decided to stay the night. We went to dinner and I started having some cramping at dinner. I didn't think anything of it and it stayed mild for the next 6 hours or so.

Sitting in the hotel room I started cramping really bad but now I was bleeding. I just laid in bed crying on my husband because I was in so much pain and it just didn't seem fair. I knew that I was having my miscarriage and it just hurt to go through. At some point I decided to take a bath. I was cramping and bleeding so bad I just wanted some relief. I was in the bath for about 15 minutes, then all of a sudden I felt this weird popping sensation and the water in the bath turned bright red. I got up because I realized there was something down there but it wouldn't come out so I had to grab it. I didn't think twice, I was in such a daze I just grabbed it. I looked in my hand and realized immediately what it was, it was my baby. I didn't know what to do with it. I was in a hotel room and out of it. It wasn't bigger than my thumb so I just put it in the toilet as I cried. I realized my cramping had stopped so I cleaned up and got dressed. I walked out and told my husband that I was pretty sure it was over and when he asked how I knew I could barely tell him.

He was on the phone with my mom and I realized that the bad I was using felt wet so I went back to the bathroom which was a mess to say the least. I looked at the pad and realized it was full and told my husband that I thought I was bleeding to much. My mom heard and told him to take me to the hospital. I tried to protest but lost. In the car all I had were some of my daughters baby blankets so I had no choice but to sit on them. Very quickly the bleeding had soaked through my pants and the blankets. I walked into the waiting room with blood running down my legs while my husband tried to help me hold the blankets in place. No one was around and I just stood there hoping for someone other than the few patience there to realize I was there.

Eventually someone came and got us and wheeled us to a room where I threw away all of my clothes and my daughters blankets. We were ignored for what seemed like forever. I laid there feeling ridiculous. Still bleeding everywhere and no one seemed to care. Finally they started doing something. They came in and did somewhat of a pelvic exam where they took some stuff for testing. Immediately after my heart rate, oxygen and blood pressure dropped. I remember laying there feeling like I was about to throw up but just couldn't throw up, feeling like I was going to pass out, but couldn't. I could barely see, everything was black but I just couldn't push myself over the edge. I remember praying to pass out because I had never felt so bad in my life. the stuck to IVs in me one for fluids and one for a transfusion.

My stats rose a little so they held off on the transfusion. An hour later they decided to release me. I had no clothes so I had to ask for clothes. I got the worst clothes ever to put on but was glad for something. I sat up as the nurse talked to me but half way up I felt lightheaded so laid back down. After she left the room I started to get up and sat on the edge of the bed. I felt okay, my husband grabbed the pants to help me get dressed. I went to get down and with one foot on the ground started feeling lightheaded. So I tried to get back up on the bed. Next thing I remember was waking up to a bunch of talking around me. I couldn't open my eyes right away but remember thinking "Well good I got myself back into bed". The nurses and doctors left and I opened my eyes and my husband laughed when I told him "At least I got back in bed". He said "No babe, you hit the ground and I barely caught you". The male nurse had to help him get me back into bed.

The released me at 4:30 am with a blood pressure in the 60-70/40 range. Told me to come back for my D&C at 6. I could barely walk to the car so my husband carried me. Back at the hotel I passed out for an hour while my husband showered. At 6 for my D&C I just didn't care anymore. The nurses were very angry with the ER dept when we told them we had been there all night. My blood pressure was still low and I still had blood all over me from the events of the night. I was so ashamed and embarrassed but I couldn't shower. I couldn't walk, I had no energy. Finally, I got the care I needed, my nurses went above and beyond for us. They gave me medicine for the hemorrhaging and did the procedure. I got to go home later that day once my blood pressure and vitals improved.

In the couple of weeks after I couldn't even talk to my friend. She called several times but how could I talk to someone who was pregnant. I was so bitterly jealous that I couldn't. I wanted left alone, and at some point my husband had to tell her to stop calling and that I would call her when I was ready. I never got the nerve to post what had happened on my facebook so for what seemed like months following I kept getting asked "How's your pregnancy going". In person I had to choke back my tears and explain that we had lost the baby. I didn't care for anyones condolences because it didn't make me feel better. I just wanted to forget it all. Every post of someone finding out they were pregnant devastated me. Another friend had her baby a few weeks later and while I wanted to be happy for her, I just couldn't acknowledge it too much. It hurt to bad to say "Your baby is so cute"

I don't think the pain of my loss will ever go away fully but I will always look to God for support. He got me through my loss. I knew that my baby wasn't taken from me to cause me pain and I may never know the reason but I have faith that I will meet my angel in heaven some day. We love our baby and have grown so much emotionally because of the experience.

You are always in our hearts little angel! 


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