Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Mom to Kallen Daniel Lowing
March 25th, 2009
Grand Rapids, Michigan

I was 18 years old. My fiancée Scott and I had just split up due to constant arguing. I was spending the weekend with my grandmother when I took my test and behold there were those 2 pink lines. I cried. I was so nervous about telling him. Thinking he would assume it was just a way of me trying to get him back. When I saw him that night, I showed him the test and he fell onto our bed to catch his breath. 

He couldn't believe it.  We had been together for 3 years and as soon as we split, I was pregnant. It didn't seem like it could possibly be. So the next day he and I went into the med center just to make sure. And thats when we were certain. It was shortly after that, that I moved in with my dad and started working at my mothers restaurant. Everything was going smoothly. I had the occasional morning sickness but other then that, nothing too horrible. 

At my first OB appointment they told me I was just over 8 weeks. They tried the heart doppler but found nothing. I was a bit concerned but the nurse told me that because of my size, the baby is probably just hiding and they would catch the heartbeat at the next visit. I became a bit at ease. I spent the day with my best friend, Tori, we went to lunch and also Barnes and Noble to get a few baby books. I was starting to get really excited. Though that night, I started having some shooting pains. 

Scott took me into the ER, as it was already 11pm. They gave me an ultrasound and found no heart beat. I immediately started losing my cool. Though the doctor told me that at this stage  it wasn't abnormal to not see the heart beating. Which I know now is false, though then it seemed plausible. We went home thinking everything was okay. I went on like this for 3 weeks. I woke up on memorial day and found blood when I was changing. My mother told me this was sometimes normal for women so it didn't really phase me a whole lot. I went to work and because we closed at 3 my family decided to have a vegetarian barbecue. 

Unfortunately when I went to change out of my work clothes I found more blood. This is when I called my doctors office. They suggested I go into the emergency room. This is when my worry truly started to come into effect. My mother and I went and had Scott meet us there. We spent 7 hours there before the doctor was able to tell us that our little one had passed on. I was 12 weeks 6 days pregnant but he only grew to be 6 weeks 4 days. I couldn't breathe. It felt as though my whole world had been shattered. 

I spent weeks trying to recover from the hurt I felt.Though I am still waiting for that to happen. I became incredibly numb and did not want anything to do with anyone as I thought they would not understand. Im still waiting for the hurt of losing Kallen to subside. Even now with having my daughter Mia Juliet, I still find myself crying when I think of him. The holidays are especially hard.

You can contact Chelsea at facebook.com/chelseaanneloves


Victoria Sanford said...

I love you.
Baby Kallen is in a better place with dad watching over you, Scott and Mia.
Keep that in your heart, know that he is always there my love.
He'll never ever leave.

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