Friday, October 15, 2010

Our Little Angel, Miscarried August 25th, 2010
Albany, New York

My husband and I have 2 daughters, ages 5 1/2 and 3 years old.  We were always surprised by their pregancies.  When we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd baby, we had so many emotions running through our minds. Exciement, anticipation, we were scared, we were sad, we were happy.  In the back of my mind I knew something was not quite right, even from the very beginning.  I had spotting at 4 weeks when I found out I was pregnant.  I had cramps and bleeding everyday.  I went to the dr., went to the specialists, and had a few ultrasounds.  I was told everything looked good.  My HCG numbers were doubling as they should.  I just could not shake the feeling that something was wrong.
On Monday, August 23, I went for my ultrasound at 7 weeks, I saw the baby, a strong heartbeat and the dr. said everything looked great.  That Wednesday, I was at a Traumatic Brain Injury Awareness Day event that had been created in honor of my dad, as he is a TBI survivor.  I went to the bathroom, and was passing huge blood clots.  I feared the worst.  I called my dr.  they told me to come right in, when I got there, they did an ultrasound immediately.  I had taken my dad with me.  For the past 2 years since his accident I have been acting as his caretaker, I never imagined, that the one day I needed my dad the most, he would be able to be my caretaker again.
I was watching the ultrasound as the dr. performed it.  I knew what he was going to say.  He said, "i'm sorry, but there is no longer a heartbeat."  I was devastated.  I had the nurse go in the waiting room and get my dad.  When he came in, I felt like a little girl again who needed their daddy and he was there.
I had a D&C at the hospital the same night.  Since then I had feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, etc.  I have learned that it was not my fault.  My husband and I have our sad days, and will always remember this little angel.  We both got a little blanket and baby hat that was specifically made for the baby at 7 weeks gestation that we lost.  We both keep those in very special places.  
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