Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Mary

Mom to

Bumblebee EDD June 12th, 2010 - Grew wings October 2009
M&M (twins) EDD September 25th, 2010 - Grew wings January 2010
Peanut EDD December 23rd, 2010 - Grew wings April 2010
Desire EDD March 26th, 2011 - Grew wings July 2010

Dayton, Ohio

My husband and I married in December 2008. We were so excited to start our new life together and thrilled at the prospects of a happy life together. We had decided that we wanted to wait at least a year before having kids, then we'd see where we were at physically and financially and proceed from there. 

Our plans were altered in October 2009. Although we were not trying at all, we discovered that I was pregnant...about 4 and a half weeks along. We had barely reached the 5wk marker when I miscarried. We were both so devastated. We had not planned to have kids yet, but the discovery that I was pregnant had thrilled us and we had already started planning for our little one. We told our family members and a few close friends, but kept the miscarriage relatively quiet. Everyone I talked to said that lots of women have 1 miscarriage, then go on to have healthy babies with no problems. I held onto that fantasy. 

We went through a very rough Christmas in 2009. It was probably one of the darkest times I'd experienced up to that point. I was haunted by the image of our baby, missing so obviously from all the holiday excitement. I felt so empty. We survived the holidays and were excited to discover I was pregnant again in January 2010...a "New Year's" baby. At the end of January, at 5 and a half weeks, I miscarried again. When we got the test results back later, I was told that it was twins. I felt like a knife had been jammed into my heart. I still debate to this day whether or not I really wanted to know it was twins. A part of me hurts even more thinking about how crazy life with twins would have been - and how wonderful it would have been. I sunk into a deep depression, hesitant to talk to anyone about how I was feeling. Every time I would start to say I was sad about losing 3 babies, some "well-meaning" person (often a family member) would say it was for the best and we should be patient and we had plenty of time. I wanted to slap them. PLENTY OF TIME? I could care less how much TIME we have...we had lost 3 of our precious babies. 

I found out I was pregnant again in April, only to miscarry again right past the 5 week marker. We didn't really tell but a few close friends...didn't even tell many family members. By that point, I was so tired of the empty, non-caring attitudes that I wanted to vomit at the thought of having to deal with people again. We decided that we wouldn't "try" anymore at that point and we would just see how things went. In July, I noticed that I was feeling all the symptoms I had with each prior pregnancy, but I refused to take a pregnancy test because I didn't think I could handle "confirming" it, only to miscarry again. When the bleeding finally started, I knew I was having a miscarriage...but shrugged it off and claimed to the few people who had any idea what was going on that it didn't matter because I didn't "know" since I hadn't confirmed it with a pregnancy test. But I knew. And my heart shattered all over again.

All the testing we've done so far has come back inconclusive. We still have no answer as to why I have miscarried repeatedly. We are looking into further testing, but financially and physically we can only handle so much at this point.

Since that 1st miscarriage, we have survived 2 due dates. I have run such a gauntlet of emotions. I have cried, screamed, begged, pleaded, hurt...and just when things seem better, we're back to square one. Our marriage has been to hell and back...and we're still together and still there for each other. We keep waiting for that happy ending...and it just never seems to come...
 

You can contact Mary at mary.milyard@gmail.com