Monday, October 11, 2010

Mom to Baby "C"
July 19th, 2009
Burlington, North Carolina

I have always wanted to be a mom, so when the second pink line showed up on the pregnancy test(s) in June 2009, I was nothing less than thrilled. My husband and I were married in July 2008 and had recently stopped using birth control, so the news of this pregnancy was wonderful. I would say it was a surprise, but I knew I was pregnant long before I took the tests. I just felt different and knew that there was life inside of me. I even picked up some children's books that I planned on using in a special way to tell my husband about the pregnancy two weeks before the test came back positive. Once I told him we were both so thrilled and couldn't hold our joy in! We immediately started dreaming of what the future would be like with our little peanut and decided to tell our friends and family right away.  

I absolutely loved every second of pregnancy. I read all of the books and looked forward to each new week when I got to read about the baby's growth and what all was going on in my body. I updated my husband constantly and was so excited to announce that the baby was the size of a poppy seed one week and an apple seed the next. It was amazing and I was completely in awe of this miracle happening inside of me. My husband and I were already discussing names and wondering whether our peanut was a boy or a girl. I was so excited to be an expectant mommy that I began looking online at nursery themes, crib bedding and all of the other fun stuff that Babies R Us has to offer. Shortly after we found out we were pregnant I was talking to my mom about different types of cribs and I remember casually saying "I probably shouldn't be looking at this stuff so early on because a good amount of first time pregnancies end in miscarriage.", but I truly never thought about the possibility of it happening to me.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly. I called to set up my first OB/GYN appointment around 5 weeks along, but they said not to bother coming in until 10 weeks along because most miscarriages happen by that point. Again, I didn't think much of it at the time even though I knew how common it was. The appointment was scheduled. I marked it in bold on my calendar and couldn't wait for that first ultrasound! A few weeks went by and my husband and I were getting ready to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary. We made plans for a visit to Disneyland and a nice Italian dinner by the ocean. Life was perfect at that moment. We were blissfully unaware of how quickly our life could change.

The day of our anniversary came. I was 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I woke up and headed to the bathroom to get ready and realized right away that something was wrong when I sat on the toilet. I looked down and saw blood and cried for my husband to come in. I knew what was happening. "Our baby is dead", I thought to myself, but I didn't want to believe it. It was a Sunday so my doctor told us to go to the ER. By the time we got there the cramping had started and the bleeding was getting worse. While we were waiting to be called back I went to the bathroom and felt a small gush of warm fluid. I looked down and there it was. Our tiny little baby, perfectly formed but lifeless. The doctor did an ultrasound just to verify what I already knew. Out of pure denial I clung to the tiny bit of hope I had left and kept looking to see a baby, but of course there was no baby. It was torture having to stare at my empty womb on that screen. "A one time chromosomal abnormality incompatible with life" is what they told me was the cause, but all I heard was "your baby is dead". Everything happened very quickly and I didn't need to have a D&C. I felt betrayed by my own body as it readily disposed of the life it had nurtured for the previous 8 weeks. We went home and I felt so empty. The miscarriage continued through the next week. I dealt with guilt and depression as I processed the loss of our baby. It was a couple months before I started to feel like myself again, but eventually I found a new normal.

It has been over a year now and although I have healed, moved forward and now have a healthy one month old in my arms, I know that our first child can never be replaced and I still ache to know what life would have been like with him/her. A part of me always will. Although I will never understand it on this side of heaven, I have accepted what happened as best as I can. I am able to hold on to the hope that I will see my sweet peanut again one day, but it isn't until that day that my heart will feel whole again. 

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Steph said...

Wow. Our stories are very similar...I miscarried in July 2009 and as I'm reading your story, I am holding my 11 week old. :)

I understand and empathize with your feelings so very much.

Congratulations on your new baby. ♥

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