Monday, October 11, 2010

Mom to Collin Michael
Born and Died August 9th, 2008
Little Angel, Miscarried December 2008
Little Angel, Miscarried July 2009
San Diego, California

In my mind, my life's plan was always to get married by 22, finish college, and start a family by 26 years old. Somehow, life had other plans for me. I learned I was pregnant in Feburary 2008, despite my absolute certainty that I wasn't pregnant. My then fiance (now my husband) and I were in the process of moving and the whole process was stressing me out. Plus I had already taken 2 tests and they had come out negative. Little did I know that I read both tests wrong. When my fiance made me take another test, he chose one that had the + sign instead of the two positive lines. As soon as I took the test, it lit up +. We were overcome with shock, happiness, and confusion. How did this happen? What were we going to do now? It wasn't until we were confirmed pregnant by our doctor that we told my fiance's parents and family. They were overjoyed. When I told my parents when I hit the 12 week mark, they were less enthused, but it didn't matter. At 16 weeks pregnant, my fiance and I got married. When we went in for our 20 week scan, we found out we were having the first boy in the family. We were so excited. My pregnancy was fantastic and uneventful. Other than the typical achy feet and being more and more uncomfortable as I got bigger, I loved being pregnant.
At 32 weeks pregnant, I thought my water broke. My husband and I went down to labor and delivery to see if I was right. A cervical swab was done, and after an hour of fetal heartbeat monitoring, we were sent home. Everything was in the clear. The nurses guessed it was probably just discharge which was normal in pregnancy. Then, at 33 weeks, while getting ready for work, I felt a big gush, as if someone threw a water balloon at my crotch. I pulled down my pants and saw that it was blood- bright, red blood. I panicked; I had no idea what was happening. I called my mother in law, who told me to call 911 and that she would call my husband and she would come to my house and get him to come. I called 911, the operator had me lay on my left side as I waited for an ambulance to come. The ambulance pulled up right as my husband and mother in law came. They put me in a stretcher and sent me to the hospital 4 miles away.

It took the ambulance 20 minutes to arrive at the hospital. They did not use their sirens or lights or go around traffic, because I was in stable condition. However, as each minute ticked by, my son slowly suffocated and lost more and more blood. When we got to the hospital, they put a fetal heartbeat monitor on my belly- the heartbeat we heard was slow, about 90 beats per second when it should be at least 150 beats per second. The doctors and nurses then told me I needed to have an emergency c-section to get him out. We agreed, and they wheeled me into the operating room. As I waited for the anesthesia to take effect, all I thought about how when I woke up, I would get to meet my son. Collin was born at 2:01 PM on August 9th, 2008, weighing 5 pounds, 1 ounce and measuring 17.25 inches long. He died 28 minutes later. I never got to hear him cry.

When I woke up in the recovery room, the OB who performed my surgery told me that Collin didn't make it. He was very weak and almost non responsive when he was delivered, and after 30 minutes of trying to bring his heartbeat up, he flatlined. I was devastated. As part of the fog from the anesthesia, I kept asking my husband if he got to see him alive, if he got to hold him, and what exactly happened. When I was wheeled into my room, I got to hold my boy. I took off his hat and saw his dark, wavy hair. He was perfect, absolutely perfect. I held him, and oogled over him, but somehow it only felt as if I did so for only 5 minutes. No time is ever long enough when you have to say goodbye to the baby you barely met.

At my 8 week post postpartum appointment with the OB who delivered my son, I asked if I could start trying again. My husband and I wanted a baby so badly. He said that yes, he felt as though my body was ready again. We found out I was pregnant again right before Thanksgiving. I was never so thankful for anything in my life. Then, in December, at 5 weeks, I started bleeding at work. Knowing it was a bad sign, I pulled my boss aside and broke down in tears. She sent me off to the hospital, where I met up with my husband. The emergency room took an ultrasound to see the baby. It looked as if a fetal pole or heartbeat ever developed. Two days later, I began heavily bleeding and passed the tissue.

Again, we decided we wanted to get pregnant, but we were going to wait after we moved into a bigger place; this time we wanted a room for our nursery. I got pregnant in June 2009, and this time, I felt as if things were different. I told everybody I was pregnant. When we went in for an ultrasound at 7 weeks, in July, my OB said the baby measured small, and that the sac was concave, it didn't form right. He said I would start miscarrying soon. Within a week, I started heavily bleeding. I was crushed. It was then that my husband and I decided we had enough and we would wait.

After we decided to wait, I found I was pregnant by surprise in August 2009. Our rainbow baby, Cooper Dean, was born happy and at a healthy 9 pounds, 5 ounces. He will never take away that sadness that losing Collin has brought on, but he does bring joy back into our lives. 


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