Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Kristina

Mom to Adriana

Born still at 37 weeks 2 days on April 9th, 2009

 My name is Kristina, I am a mother of 4 children, 1 of them who is in heaven, Adriana, who was Born still at 37 weeks and 2 days on April 9th, 2009. I would first like to share with everyone a Beautiful Video that my Brother made for us of our Beautiful Angel  You can watch it here.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWnoCH6QGqw 

My Pregnancy with Adriana was like my first two pregnancies, normal pregnancies, other than I was a sicker longer with her, but other than that it was perfect. Every visit, and my ultrasound was all perfect, she was perfect... her 2 older sisters were SOO exited for her to be in our Family! 

I had everything ready, her Room that I painted with pink and lime green stripes, her crib, all her cute little clothes and blankets were all washed and neatly folded in her crib. All it needed was her! she was scheduled to be born by C-section on April 14th 2009.  I had my last Doctors appoinment right before that on the morning of April 9th. I remember kinda not wanting to go because I thought it was just a waste of my time since I was just going to have her in 5 days anyway and it was like 30 minutes away to go see the Doctor. But I went anyway. I am glad I did because I don't think I could have lived with myself if I didn't and then she passed away, I would have not been able to get passed the fact that If I went, she might have been alive still. The night of April 8th, I was laying on the couch with my Husband watching T.V. Like we did most nights before bed, and baby girl was being her usual self, kicking Mommy when I layed on my side! She did NOT like to be squished! After all , she pretty much ran out of room in there! So, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next day to get ready for my Appointment. I took my 3 year old daughter with me and while I was laying on the exam table and the nurse was trying to find Adriana's heartbeat, My little girl was walking around saying "Its ok Mommy, everythings ok." I thought nothing of it until later...   So the nurse could not find the heartbeat and went and got the Doctor, I was not even worried at all, because I had felt her moving... even though I really did not feel any that morning, but it was kind of hard to notice since first thing I was getting ready to go to the Doctors, she usually didnt move much when I was up and about anyway, that was when she usually slept. the Doctor came in and tried to find the heartbeat and could not find it, he sent me in for an Ultrasound. I was still not worried, I was actually exited for the Ultrasound so I could see my baby! Since it had been 17 weeks since I had one last! So the Ultrasound Tech was doing the scan and right when she put the thing on my belly, I got this gut feeling something was very wrong. I noticed my baby did not look like she was moving. I quickly asked "Is she moving?" and all the Tech said was "I am just taking measurments right now..." and it was then I knew something was for SURE very wrong since she did not answer my question. 

My Doctor came in and looked at the screen and put his hand on my shoulder and softly said "I am so Sorry, there is no heartbeat"  "My eyes filled up with tears and I said "Fix it!" I wanted him to put those heart shocker things on my belly to make her breathe again, but he told me it was to late, she was already gone. My World was turned upside down. the nurses in the office came in and took my little 3 year old out with snacks and coloring books while I went out side and called my husband to come to the Doctor's office. I don't remember what I was saying, and he did not really understand me, all I remember was saying "She has no heartbeat, you have to come here now." He went to the Hospital thinking I had her and they were trying to fix it, but when he realized I was still at the Doctors office he knew that was bad news. He came and ran up to me and hugged me and was crying and said, "What Happened?" I said "I don't know, they don't know." I had to go home and pack my bags for the Hospital to deliver her that afternoon. 

I went home and went in her room and layed on the bed, held my belly and cried. why did this happen? How? I did not know what to think or do. All the while I am trying to be strong for my kids, who were 3 and 9 at the time. I packed my bags with just mine and my husbands things, nothing for Adriana to come home in, not a carseat for her. Do we take our camera? we did not know what to do, but we took it anyway knowing if we didn't we could not get them later.
   

I had her on April 9th 2009, the room was very quiet, it was weird, she did not cry when she came out, a part of me was waiting for some sort of cry, even though I knew she was gone, I still had a glimmer of hope I guess. She weighed 7 pounds 11 ounces, the same as I did when I was born, she was my biggest baby! she had red hair just like my 3 year old, she had her 9 year old sisters ears.  She was absoulutely PERFECT in every way. I decided to give her my name as her middle name. I was 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant. When she was delivered, it was very obvious what happened, she had twisted so much in one direction that her umbilical cord twisted so tight that it finally kinked about a quarter inch from her belly button, cutting off her oxygen supply. She was amazingly beautiful, a clone of her big sister. The first time I saw her she was all bundled up in a blanket and had her little hospital hat on, and she looked just like she was sleeping.
    

Our room was wierd not having her in there with us, we did get her when we wanted, but of course she could not just stay in there. I would wake up at night in pain and look over at her little empty hospital bed and cry. We had visitors off and on in the hospital, and we got to hold her whenever we wanted. The first night I remember holding her and being afraid to let her go for the night in fear that she would look "different" the following day, we were pleasently surprised she looked just as beautiiful, I always asked the nurses to put her in lots of blankets, cause I did not want to feel her cold. Even though I kissed her head constantly and felt it anyway. We had her funeral on the day she was supposed to be born, on April 14th. We asked to be discharged early to be home for Easter with our girls at home. What a perfect time to remember Christ and the ressurection, to know we will be with her again, this is not the end. We are an eternal family and will be together Forever.

Kristina blogs at www.russkristinaandkids.blogspot.com 

 and also at www.adrianakristinahathcock.blogspot.com