Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jessica

First Miscarriage, January 29th, 2009

Second Miscarriage, September 17th, 2009

Yakima, Washington

Me and my husband always wanted to start a family right away, I got off birth control in the summer of 2008 and we were beyond thrilled to find out we were pregnant in December of 2008 we instantly told EVERYONE! We were so excited and so were all of our family and friends. 

From the beginning there were problems, I had my first ultrasound with the doctor and the baby was measuring smaller than he should have. Soon after I kept having bleeding and finally had a natural miscarriage on January 29^th 2009. It was literally one of the worst things to every happen to me, or so I though at the time. I started to fall into a depression but with the help of my family I was able to get pulled out of it. 

With out even trying or thinking about it in August 2009 I found out I was pregnant again, Once again we were thrilled but cautious we told only close family and friends, in fear of history repeating it’s self. My doctor had me wait to come in until I was 8 weeks, and she always does a dating ultrasound. On September 17^th 2009 my husband and I went in very excited to see our baby only to have horrible disappointment once again. There was no heartbeat and my heart just broke. I had, had a missed miscarriage and was scheduled to have a d&c the following week. That was the WORST thing I’ve ever been through, when I woke up from anesthesia I was crying uncontrollably. I felt so empty, it was the most horrible feeling to have my baby taken out of me like it was some disease. 

My doctor had test done on the baby to see why this was happening and it came back that there was nothing wrong. After this I had decided I wasn’t meant to be a mother and I wanted to go on birth control and take a break from all this heartache. 

Life had other plans though, after having only one period since having my d&c in December 2009 I had this feeling. I just knew I was pregnant so I went and got a pregnancy test and it was positive. I couldn’t believe it, I was so happy yet so scared and just knew this would end badly like before. I was excited but had no hope that this pregnancy would last. We only told my parents that we were expecting again and no one else. 

Stupidly I decided I wasn’t going to even bother going to the doctor until I knew I was past 8 weeks and I would just take care of myself till then. In mid January I was at work when I felt this huge gush of blood, I looked down and the front of my jeans were covered in blood. I went home and I knew I had lost this baby too, that night I continued to bleed a bit and passed some clots. It felt to me like I had, had another natural miscarriage and I just was so numb and didn’t want to think about it. I did another stupid thing and didn’t go to the doctor. The weeks were passing and it hurt but I had accepted it but the strangest thing was I still felt pregnant. Towards the middle of February I couldn’t shake this feeling and my husband finally convinced me to go to my OB and get checked. So I made an appointment with my doctor and said I though I might be pregnant again and they decided to do an ultrasound. I laid on the table with my eyes closed tight and my husband holding my hand when I heard the ultrasound tech say “oh my, your differently pregnant” I opened my eyes to see a big beautiful baby doing flips on the screen! The tech told me I was about 11 ½ weeks!! My husband and I cried and couldn’t believe our eyes it was truly a miracle! 

From that point on I had such a wonderful pregnancy, with zero complications and on August 17^th 2010 I gave birth to a healthy 9lb 8.0oz baby boy. It’s been a crazy journey and I cant say I would change it anything that’s happened to me. My son was meant to be with us and to have to two guardian angels up in heaven looking after him.