Thursday, October 7, 2010

Mom to
Emma Jade, EDD February 2nd, 2006, grew wings on August 11th, 2005
Bailey Jameson, EDD October 14th, 2007, grew wings on April 1st, 2007
Audrey Kate, EDD January 18th, 2010, grew wings on May 25th, 2009
Chemical Pregnancy - July 14th, 2009
Jonesboro, Arkansas

My first pregnancy was conceived with a boyfriend right after I graduated high school, I was planning on going to college and was so afraid because this wasn't planned at all and the father did not want the "shame" of having a baby out of wedlock so he insisted we get married.  I told him no way. I couldn't marry someone like him, I should have left him long before this.  When I told him no, I was pushed out of his truck and ended up losing the baby the next day.  I felt so horrible because at first I didn't want to have a baby, I would never have an abortion and I believe everything happens for a reason, but at the time I thought it happened because at first the pregnancy was unwanted.  I felt so much guilt.  I left him and have not talked to him in years.

In December 2006, I married my husband, the love of my life.  We were on the birth control pill and had a pregnancy scare around the end of January.  I had been sick with the flu for weeks and ended up taking a negative pregnancy test, so we figured the flu had postponed my period.  I started taking antibiotics soon after for an ear infection, not realizing that would mess up the birth control.  We were moving out of state and my aunt and uncle threw us a going away party where we drank and had a good time.  I had no idea that I was pregnant at the time.  About a month later, my period had not showed up.  I didn't worry much because this had just happened.  Maybe the move had put stress on my body.  I took a test, expecting a BFN and to my surprise it read "Pregnant"  I was so excited and so scared all at the same time.  We told all our family immediately.  We went in for an ultrasound at a clinic where ultrasound techs were being trained and we saw the beautiful little beating heart of our baby.  He (we never knew sex, we just had a feeling it was a boy) was measuring about 3 weeks behind what he should have been, but we were told that my dates could just be off since my cycle was messed up anyway.  On March 31, 2007, I woke up bleeding.  I panicked.  We went to the emergency room where the doctor on call told me he was 99% sure we were having a miscarriage.  I held onto that 1%, thinking that if I loved my baby enough, my love could save him.  Of course they did an ultrasound and the doctor told me that "there was never even a baby"  It was a blighted ovum, an empty sac.  No.  That couldn't be.  We just saw the baby a few weeks earlier and even saw the beating heart.  He was wrong.  I had a picture at home of our child, not an empty sac.  We went home to my grandma's and my cousin and his wife were living there too, she was a saint.  She had gone through this as well and was amazing support.  I was so scared.  I couldn't do this again.  No way.  I fell asleep that night and then woke up about an hour later with a small cramp.  Every hour on the hour, I would wake up and the cramps were even stronger. I started bleeding heavier and passed my first clot about midnight.  I ended up waking everyone in the house because of my crying, thinking i had passed my baby.  My cousin's wife assured me that it was just a clot and I would know for sure when the baby was passed.  Every hour I woke up with these horrid cramps, wondering why God would give me physical pain as well as the emotional pain of losing a baby?  It wasn't fair.  With the first one, I was on pain medication so I didn't feel anything at all.  This was new to me.  Why did it have to hurt like that?  Was I not going through enough emotionally?  We went back to the doctor the next morning, it was a Sunday and the doctor on call showed up in his Sunday church suit.  I felt bad for pulling him out of church.  Well, they did an exam and my body had cleared out almost everything.  There was still some tissue stuck in my cervix so they pulled out the rest of it and the nurse made sure I didn't see it and wrapped it up in a towel and set it on the table.  When they left the room, I looked.  My baby was so tiny.  No bigger than my thumb.  I will never get that picture out of my mind.  We named him Bailey Jameson.  We decided we wanted to try for a baby, so the doctor said 3 months.  Exactly 3 months later, our daughter was conceived. She was born March 11, 2008 after being diagnosed with preeclampsia and being induced at 38 weeks, ended up with a csection because my blood pressure was so high, they thought I might have a stroke.

I had Mirena after my first daughter was born but it caused an infection that stayed in for a year unnoticed.  I had it taken out and went back on the pill after she was a year old.  During the transition, I missed a period. I  thought it was the pill, but wanted to make sure.  I took a very faint BFP.  Then another, this time much darker.  I was pregnant!  I went in a few weeks later to the doctor to take a test and get my first appointment but the test was negative.  I was so confused.  I thought they must have something wrong.  I took another home test.  Negative.  Then the bleeding started a week after that.  It was a miscarriage.  According to my dates, I was about 6 weeks along.  I had a girl feeling, so her name is Audrey Kate.

In July, I took 4 early detection tests and they all came up positive.  On the actual date of my missed period, it was negative and I started my period.  It was a chemical pregnancy.

May 26, 2010 my second daughter was born.  I tried for a VBAC but after 3 days of labor and a very scary situation with the cord wrapped around her neck and her heart rate dropping many times, I decided it wasn't worth the risk of going home without a baby and had my second csection.  I had pregnancy induced hypertension throughout my third trimester and spent the last month on bedrest.  She was born on her due date.  I had some scares with her.  When my water broke there was meconium and she had to be assessed by the NICU team as soon as she was born.  She did not aspirate any meconium.  Then we found out she was not regulating her temperature, so we were going to try skin to skin contact.  If that didn't work, they were going to have to take her down the hall to the NICU unit and monitor her in a warmer there.  Thankfully, the skin to skin contact was what her little body needed.  Then she was diagnosed with Ventricular Septal Defect, which is a congenital heart defect.  The wall in her heart separating the left and right atriums never grew together all the way and there is a hole.  It is only a 2 mm hole, so it may not ever affect her life at all.  After 1 year, if the hole has not closed up, they will refer us to a pediatric cardiologist to check her out.  Most likely it will grow up on it's own.  She is now 4 months old and it is still open.  She also had issues feeding.  I was set on breastfeeding but she would use me as a pacifier and fall asleep.  Her jaundice was getting worse, which was making her sleepier and she lost over 10% of her birth weight in 3 days so we had to supplement with formula.  I ended up pumping and feeding her breastmilk in a bottle until I went back to work. 

I am blessed to be a mommy to two girls here on earth as well as my angels in heaven.  


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