Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Valerie

Mom to Lorenzo Leόn Garcia

Delivered Sleeping November 19th, 2009

Austin, Texas

My son was stillborn 11-19-2009.  I was 24 weeks when we found out we lost our 1st child.  My head understands what has happened, but my heart aches despite all the facts.  I'm not sure of all the emotions, or (sometimes) the lack of.  I do things I think will make me feel better, but sometimes I feel worse?!?!  Its very confusing.  OH, and I work for a Pediatric Group-a daily reminder of what isn't!!  This being my 1st pregnancy I had so many expectations, maybe too many???  The ONE thing though that NEVER crossed my mind was losing my baby!  NEVER in forever would I have thought I would have been sitting here now, with a box of tissue by my side, writing to complete strangers about the loss of MY child.  As a mother (I am a mother, right?) it never crossed my mind that I might lose my child before he ever took his first breath!  I worried about (not) eating hot dogs and sandwich meats, and (not) drinking sodas, along with all the scary things that can happen in the BIG world, but never ever EVER this!  Our loss was due to placental abruption.  After 24 weeks of blissful pregnancy, feeling fantastic, never sick-my life came to a screeching halt!  Oh, how I wish I could turn back the hands of time, but would the outcome have been any different-could it have been worse??? 

 

Four days before finding out about my own loss, my co-worker found out she had miscarried in her 1st trimester.  I thought to myself, "What would I do if this happened to me?", my answer at that time was that I would need to be checked into a mental health facility.  My husband came home and I shared the unfortunate news with him.  I'm sure he saw the fear in my eyes, he hugged me and said that everything was going to be okay with our baby.  His gesture made me feel safe.

 

The night before we found out about our loss, we layed down to bed and my husband asked if I had felt our son move.  I hadn't in several days.  It didn't immediately concern me because I had not really began to feel him move regularly, looking back I deeply regret not taking action sooner.  The next morning I went to work and went about my day, but my husband's question kept haunting me.  I called my OBGYN and spoke to the nurse and explained the situation.  She asked me to come in immediately and I was there within 5 minutes since she only works across the street from my office.  Before I left a co-worker told me I was being paranoid.  As I sat in the waiting room I kept telling myself that I probably was paranoid and there was nothing wrong.  Someone I knew was in the waiting room and asked me if I was there for just a check up, I lied and told her yes, choking back my tears and fears. 

 

As I layed back on the table the Nurse Practitioner listened for a heartbeat with the doppler.  She found a heartbeat, but I knew it was mine, and not my sons.  She sent me upstairs for a sonogram.  I called my husband to tell him what was going on.  He said he was on his way, and I told him he didn't need to come, that it was going to be ok - he came anyway, of course.  He's a great man.  I sat in the waiting room, a total mess crying waiting and hoping my husband would arrive before the sonogram began, he did.  As I layed on the table with the tech doing to sonogram I saw my baby, still.  No movement, no heartbeat.  The tech never said a word, but I knew.  We were sent back into a doctors office.  My doctor was out that day, but her colleague confirmed what I already knew.  My son was gone. 

 

My husband and I went home, and my mom came over.  I decided not to go to the hospital till the next morning.  I needed time to process what was about to happen.  I needed time to process the fact that I would be going to the hospital to deliver my son, but not be able to bring him home.  They started me on doses of Cytotec every 4 hours on Tuesday morning about 11 am.  I delivered a still Lorenzo Leόn Garcia Thursday November 19, 2009 at 4:10 a.m., he was 1 pound and .47 ounces.  He had his daddy's cheeks and my lips.  He was so tiny and beautiful.  My husband and I held him, and just cried.  Both my parents and my husband parents were there, and took turns holding him.  It was a memory that will stay in my heart forever, but I can't help but want things to have been different.  We only have the pictures the hospital took.  I was too scared to have pictures of anyone, especially myself, holding him. My husband and I choose to have him cremated for several different reasons, and his urn sits in our living room.

 

Time has eased the pain, though my son is never far from my thoughts.  

You can contact Valerie at VAL5322@yahoo.com