Thursday, September 30, 2010

Mom to twin sons, Ryder Jansan and Levi Dominic
Born and Died February 28th, 2010 at almost 23 weeks
Houston, Texas

As a leukemia survivor, I always knew that I would require medical intervention to have children. My husband and I were so grateful for our son, Eli, born 1/2008 through IVF.

We wanted so badly to give him a sibling and underwent IVF again in 2009. We had 2 embryos implanted and knew having twins was a big possibility. How surprised and excited we were to find out that, not only were we having twins, but they were identical!!! One embryo had split.

The pregnancy was fairly normal with the exception of a subchorionic hemorrhage occurring around 11 weeks that absolutely terrified my husband and I and landed us in the ER on a trip to Colorado. Both boys were healthy and had strong heartbeats, though... so we kept going, thinking all was well.

I was being checked every 2 weeks with US to watch for Twin to Twin Transfusion and it was so exciting to see my baby boys grow and move and play. We had our son prepared for his "2 brothers" who would be coming home to play with him.

Then, February 25th at 1:45 AM, I woke up to a bit of discomfort. Not knowing what was going on, I got up and walked a bit to see if it helped. I alerted my husband and called the Doctor when it didn't get better. She wanted me to come in. When I went to get dressed, my water broke. What an immensely horrific feeling.

My friend met us at the hospital to get my son and I was admitted to L & D where it was confirmed rupture.

They gave me a choice to do nothing or attempt to stop labor with Magnesium... "What mother wouldn't choose to try ANYTHING?" I asked. The look of hopelessness on the Physician's faces was almost too unbearable to deal with. I chose to fight for my sons, to do what I could to keep them inside where they were safe.

They gave me 24 hours of Magnesium and it kept contractions at bay until the evening of February 28.. just 2 days shy of 23 weeks... and 1 week, 2 days shy of any possible intervention for my babies.

They came on fast and strong and nothing could be done. Ryder was born in the bed on the way to L & D and lived 19 minutes, Levi was born 25 minutes later and lived 5 minutes. They were both 1 lb. 1 oz and 11.5 inches long and SO PERFECT!!! What beautiful little boys!

They tested the placenta, but found no cause for this tragedy, and they cannot say what can prevent it in the future.

We got to spend so much time with them and got pictures and mementos... but no babies to bring home, no brothers for Eli.

There is something so inherently wrong with having your infant sons die in your arms. The pain is beyond description. 8 months later and I am so far from healed. Although my moments of stabbing grief aren't as often or all-consuming, I feel my eyes will fill up and my heart will ache every time I think of the boys I should have gotten to see grow.  Instead of watching over them in their cribs, I dust off the urn that holds what's left of their precious bodies.

I think of them so often and hope to have my whole family together again one day.

You can contact Susan at


Anonymous said...

Sorry for your loss. My story is similar to yours. I also went through IVF. Had two embryos put in and got pregnant with b/g twins. We had a pretty uneventful and easy pregnancy. At 22w3d my mucous plug came out. I went to Labor and delivery to get checked out, found out I was dilated and in labor. I held off for two more days on bedrest in the hospital and at 22w5d gave birth to my son and daughter. They were both so beautiful and perfect. We got to spend some time with them before the died. They have found no reason as to why this happened except that I was carrying twins and my body couldn't handle it. If you ever want to chat you can email me at I have learned that it helps to talk to someone who has been through similar experiences. Take care, Janet

Jeanie said...

Three weeks ago, Sept.10, 2010, I lost my identical twin boys. They were 22 weeks 6 days. They too were conceived via IVF and one of the embryos split. I had been placed on very strict bedrest due to incompetent cervix three weeks earlier and had a cerclage put in. I really thought that I could hold onto the boys for at least a few more weeks, but unfortunately I went into very aggressive labor in the middle of the night and wound up delivering them both that morning. It all happened so fast and there was nothing that could be done.
They were beautiful and perfect and looked exactly alike.
I am still constantly crying and wondering why this had to happen. I have one son who is 3 and wonderful. Oddly he hasn't asked where my big belly went. He was so excited, at least I think he was, to be a big brother.
This was my last pregnancy. With incompetent cervix I don't think I can go through this pain again, plus my insurance will not cover another round of IVF again. I am in too much pain to even consider trying again, but the thought of not being able to give my son a brother or sister just breaks my heart.

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