Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Debbi

Mom to Christopher

Got his wings September 6, 1975 after 8 hours and 13 minutes

Wellington, OH

This is my story...35 years ago. I want all the girls to know I am so sorry for the pain they are going through. This is such a rough journey. My heart is with you.

After 35 years I still remember everything like it was yesterday. At 52 years old it was by far the saddest day of my life. I had been to several monthly appointments. All seemed to be well. I never had an ultrasound, they didn't do them 35 years ago unless they felt something was wrong.

I went to bed on the night of Sept 5th, 1975 feeling fine. And I woke up in bad pain . My husband took me right to the hospital. When they confirmed I was in labor and there was nothing they could do to stop it, all I could do was cry. A nurse told me to try not to worry that she felt the baby was close to 5 pounds. I had very irregular periods so they were not even sure how far along I was. Fast forward through all the pain and sorrow I felt knowing my baby wouldn't live. The cart was rolling down the hall to deliver. They put me to sleep.  That's what they did back then most of the time.

When I was just starting to wake  up. I remember my Dr saying "Debbie you had a son, but he's in very bad shape." He had a rough birth and was born face first. I slept again ,I felt so guilty about that later, but it was the meds they used to put me out....and woke up crying in my regular room. My Mom and husband were there both crying. They said he was big (2 pounds 13 oz.) for how far a ong he was.  But that the Drs all said he was not going to make it.

For hours...My Mom and husband kept watch at the nursery window. They had pulled the curtain closed on the little area they had for baby's that were sick. They had no NICU. They had no respirator...they had nothing to try to save his life. And he was too bad to transfer to a bigger hospital. Finally they ask me if I wanted to see him. They took me back in a wheelchair. I wasn't allowed to even touch him :( I was with him maybe 5 minutes. He was beautiful. I have never cried so hard in my life when I realized he only breathed a few times while I was there. After 8 hours and 13 minutes his heart stopped beating.  I knew the minute my Mom and husband walked in the room.

They would not let me out of the hospital to go to his funeral. I never got to see...touch or hold him. I never got footprints...pics...NOTHING :(  I still wonder why???  He had such a big head of pretty hair that the funeral director didn't want to put the matching hat from his sweater set on him. They also used just one of his receiving blankets, so I got the matching one to that.

Some one...I don't remember who, took 4 Polaroid pics of my baby in his casket. I was always...for the first year looking at those pics They are getting awful worn now..And tattered. That's how I found the baby loss mama blogs....I goggled a place where I could get my baby's pic done in black and white so I could hang it in a bedroom before its lost to me forever...I read in amazement how Mama's got memory boxes.. lots of pics and footprints and everything that was worn. And how some of them got the blessings to hold there dying or dead baby. I so wish I had that chance.

35 years has passed...He is still my first baby. I've always said I have 4 children. I went on to have 3. The next one being in the NICU the next year for 3 1/2 months. I had him at 29 weeks. He almost died many times too. Praise God I brought him and my girls home. 

Yesterday was his birthday....And I am thinking of you still sweet Christopher. And of all the other baby loss mama's that are just at the beginnings of their journey

 
Debbi blogs at  http://littlebittygoatfarm.blogspot.com/

She can be reached at Nanadebstreasures@gmail.com