Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Carolyna

Mom to Baby Darian

Miscarried at 8 weeks, 4 days on August 18th, 2010

Virginia

The one morning that changed everything, July 25th, 2010. I remember having a pregnancy dream the night before. It made me wonder if I might be expecting. It was to be my first pregnancy; and I was hoping, yet, I was unsure. I decided to take a pregnancy test. And it was crazy how fast and strong the plus sign showed because it was a POSITIVE! I didn't know whether to cry or jump for joy. So, I cried AND jumped for joy!  

The next day, I went to my nearby health clinic and found out I was about four weeks along. I got started on prenatal supplements. And I made sure I was given a healthy diet plan by my nutritionist. I was very excited that me and my fiancé would be soon-to-be parents!

My fiancé had just shipped off to basic combat training for the U.S. Army on July 14th, a week before I found out. I wanted to tell him as soon as possible. It was hard to get a hold of him by phone. So, I was debating whether I should tell him by letter or when I got my first phone call from him. But I knew he would be just as excited as I was, so I could not wait. I sent a colorful letter announcing our child. And I was right, he was very excited that we would be parents to a beautiful baby. Every letter he wrote he would ask for our baby and told me that he missed US. It was very hard experiencing this without him. But, although he couldn't be here physically, I wanted him to experience everything as I was; by keeping him updated weekly and sending ultrasound pictures. It gave me strength to know how happy and excited we both were. It got me through everything. We, also, started calling our baby Darian. We would be happy with a Darian or a Starlyna (our girl name); however, many people kept hoping and saying it was gonna be a boy. It was exciting to see how happy and excited some family and friends were about our little soldier.

August 7th was my first prenatal doctor appointment, Darian was at six weeks! He was too tiny to see but I could hear the heartbeat clearly and loud. I cried. Definitely a day that'd forever remain a part of me. This was our child inside me. We loved him, already. At my next appointment, Darian was now more visible to see. He was now at 8 weeks. And I got to hear his heartbeat again. Brought smiles to my face and warmth to my heart. My doctor stated that everything was normal and Darian was growing healthy. That was wonderful to hear and put my mind at ease. He then let me know that I'll get to come back in one month, September 16th. 

Two weeks passed since Darian's eight week check-up and I starting feeling different. I was 11 weeks along, at this point, and I started developing lower, mid back pain and minor abdominal pain. I didn't want to believe something might be wrong with our baby. I thought to myself: "I saw the doctor a couple weeks ago and he said everything was fine." But I couldn't help but worry. So, I called the doctor about the pains, and I told him I wanted to reschedule my appointment to check on baby Darian. 

My rescheduled appointment was three days away. So, I felt a little better and tried to relax.

Two days passed and I woke up to find out that I started spotting brown blood. I always got told brown blood was okay and red blood was not. But I began to worry and called the doctors office again and the nurse asks me if I could come in to see the doctor. I said YES, please, right away. 

I was about to leave to the doctors until the nurse called back to tell me that my insurance was denied and that I couldn't see the doctor. I felt trapped because I was very worried about our baby and I didn't want to wait anymore. I called the health clinic, my social worker, and other places that could possibly help me find financial services so I could be able to see a doctor right away. I checked, again, to see if the brown blood had stopped and it hadn't. At this point I was tired of waiting and I wanted to see a doctor fast.

So, I called 911 and the ambulance took me to my nearby hospital. While I was there, they put me on an IV and asked me few questions. Then, they took me down for an ultrasound. And, afterwards, I was going to get the ultrasound results from the doctor. I kept staring into the screen hoping to be able to spot baby Darian. I remember I kept asking, "is there a baby in there? is he still in there?" 

We got finished up and I got sent back to the ER room again. Time seemed to pass by slowly and I could not relax. An hour later, the doctor came and told me there was bad news. He said they found no heartbeat and that Darian had been dead at eight weeks and four days--three weeks ago (Fetal Demise). My heart sank. I felt my strength being ripped from me. I became in denial because I didn't want to believe our baby was gone. I became angry at the world. And I just wanted to disappear. 

A D&C procedure was planned. I didn't want that. I wasn't ready to let go. My fiancé and I have dreamed of this together; to start a family of our own and it hurt to know that we'd never get the chance to hold Darian, kiss and cuddle him, rock him to sleep or see his first time's. I curled up in a ball and cried all that night. I said a prayer; prayed to the angels to take good care of our angel baby. 

It's been days since the procedure. It's been really hard and sometimes I still cant believe he's gone. I don't like to speak much about what happened to anyone because I feel guilty of their responses. So, I grieve alone because I don't want anyone to know I am still hurting. I feel I am bitter at times because I believe no one around me could understand what we were going through; what this pain felt like. My fiancé will be returning soon and I feel we cannot truly begin to heal without each other. 

Carolyna blogs at http://tinyfootprintsinourhearts.blogspot.com/