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Jackie
Mom to my spirit-boy, Oscar Solo
Stillborn on May 16th, 2008
Mississaugo, Ontario, Canada
In May of 2007, a beautiful boy was born to me...my first child...perfectly-perfect...except that he was delivered my emergency c-section, because the cord was choking him, as i laboured....but, everything turned out well for him, and he was born a very healthy child...i always considered myself to have a very high tolerance for pain, but the c-section completely wiped me out, I bled very heavily, and could not even bend to sit on the toilet...but, things began healing a bit, over the next few weeks, so I was starting to really enjoy my new little boy....I had hoped to breastfeed him for as long as possible, and I had read of some women breastfeeding over a year...my goal was just that, but, once he reached three months, my milk was drying up....by 4 months old, my milk was completely gone, and my abdominal pain was coming back, only more severe....I went to my doctor so many times to complain, but nothing ever came of it....he even ran me through blood and urine work, with no results...
Finally, 6 months after the baby when I couldn't take it anymore, I insisted that maybe something was left inside of me from the surgery, as i was feeling strange movements...and, so, the doctor to sent me for an ultrasound....i received a call from his office the very next day...I was extremely worried, as I never hear back from him... the ultrasound revealed that I was already 4 months pregnant with another boy!....now, knowing my abdominal pain was a new little baby taking from me whatever he needed to grow, I wasn't bothered at all!!!...I was just so happy, and started immediately dreaming about day-trips with my husband, and our "boys!" (who would be less than a year apart!).....
The final months of my pregnancy with oscar were normal, only, I was very tired, but, very happy, even returning to work for a short time, again...as my first son was born by c-section less than a year ago, oscar also was to be a caesarean birth....avoiding the risk of a major rupture, in case I hadn't had time to completely heal over....and, so, on my very final visit to the doctor, just before the scheduled c-section, we were very jovial, and excited, and life was soooooo good, and, then, it was like we were in a car accident, right there, in the doctor's office.......the fetal monitor wouldn't find a heartbeat....it was always such a strong gallop....but, as the doctor pushed and poked me harder, trying to move oscar around, I was starting to panic......we were sent to the hospital......
Finally, 6 months after the baby when I couldn't take it anymore, I insisted that maybe something was left inside of me from the surgery, as i was feeling strange movements...and, so, the doctor to sent me for an ultrasound....i received a call from his office the very next day...I was extremely worried, as I never hear back from him... the ultrasound revealed that I was already 4 months pregnant with another boy!....now, knowing my abdominal pain was a new little baby taking from me whatever he needed to grow, I wasn't bothered at all!!!...I was just so happy, and started immediately dreaming about day-trips with my husband, and our "boys!" (who would be less than a year apart!).....
The final months of my pregnancy with oscar were normal, only, I was very tired, but, very happy, even returning to work for a short time, again...as my first son was born by c-section less than a year ago, oscar also was to be a caesarean birth....avoiding the risk of a major rupture, in case I hadn't had time to completely heal over....and, so, on my very final visit to the doctor, just before the scheduled c-section, we were very jovial, and excited, and life was soooooo good, and, then, it was like we were in a car accident, right there, in the doctor's office.......the fetal monitor wouldn't find a heartbeat....it was always such a strong gallop....but, as the doctor pushed and poked me harder, trying to move oscar around, I was starting to panic......we were sent to the hospital......
..........I could not wrap my head around what nurses were saying..."I'm sorry...he's gone".....I didn't speak that language....I had heard the word "stillborn" before....I thought it happened 300 hundred years ago....I thought it only happened to the victorians....me?....2008?....
.......They said there was no rush to deliver him now....of course I wanted to go home with him.....one last time....we went back to the hospital the next morning.....I was being prepared for inducing the labour...I insisted I was to have the c-section.....but, a different doctor came in, and sat with me, holding my hand she said...."in the ultrasound i see you have healed over very well....you can deliver this baby vaginally"...."you will be too devastated from this, you cannot handle the surgery....".....and I was so glad I got to deliver Oscar naturally...at least I have those memories...of being in labour with him.....but, I had the most sickening feeling come over me when I heard the woman in the next room in labour.....screaming, grunting....then loud cheers and even claps, and someone shouted "its a girl!".....and I remember thinking....how quiet my room was...even the nurses seemed to whisper in my room.....and my night nurse sang hymns to me, and held my hand......
Oscar was born early the next morning.....just as the sun poured into our room....and my husband held him up into the warmth of the sun....the architecture of Oscar's face was amazing...very strong features...I would have loved to see those lips curl into a giggle...Iremember his cheeks smelled like candy...I miss his beautiful face so much....I could have stayed there with him FOREVER.....his ashes came home....three days after his big brother turned one...........
.......They said there was no rush to deliver him now....of course I wanted to go home with him.....one last time....we went back to the hospital the next morning.....I was being prepared for inducing the labour...I insisted I was to have the c-section.....but, a different doctor came in, and sat with me, holding my hand she said...."in the ultrasound i see you have healed over very well....you can deliver this baby vaginally"...."you will be too devastated from this, you cannot handle the surgery....".....and I was so glad I got to deliver Oscar naturally...at least I have those memories...of being in labour with him.....but, I had the most sickening feeling come over me when I heard the woman in the next room in labour.....screaming, grunting....then loud cheers and even claps, and someone shouted "its a girl!".....and I remember thinking....how quiet my room was...even the nurses seemed to whisper in my room.....and my night nurse sang hymns to me, and held my hand......
Oscar was born early the next morning.....just as the sun poured into our room....and my husband held him up into the warmth of the sun....the architecture of Oscar's face was amazing...very strong features...I would have loved to see those lips curl into a giggle...Iremember his cheeks smelled like candy...I miss his beautiful face so much....I could have stayed there with him FOREVER.....his ashes came home....three days after his big brother turned one...........
You can contact Jackie at pickerstix@hotmail.com
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2 comments:
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) Oh Jackie this is so heartbreaking for you, thank you for sharing your story with me, and thank you for sharing your love for your family. you are a good friend xoxoxox
Jackie, it's Stephanie (Nickolas' mom), this is very beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time, you're a very strong woman and our son's would've been very proud to have mother's like us! Love you keep strong <3
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