Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Desiree
Mom to Lillian Joy
Stillborn November 13th, 2009 at 40 weeks, 4 days
Elliston, Virginia

The beginning...

It all started on a cool day in March 2009. My husband (Clif) and I had been married for two years, and trying for a baby for almost one. I had been undergoing some minor fertility treatments since October of the previous year. I went to my doctors office that morning for a pregnancy test, as I did every month. With the way my insurance worked, I had to wait until the following day for my results. I'd call before we left the next afternoon.

That night, as we were getting last minute items together for our trip - I decided to take an extra pregnancy test that I had lying around. It had been a two-pack. I had taken the first one several days before, and it had been negative.

I dipped the stick and laid it to the side, not really expecting the results I wanted. I'll never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Clif was standing at the sink when I caught his eye. I couldn't speak...but my expression said it all. We were going to have a baby! We had faced so many negative tests in our marriage that we didn't even fully believe the test. It was almost 11PM and we both had to work the following day...but we headed out to Wal-Mart for two more tests. Which both came back positive, by the way!!

The next morning I spoke with my nurse and she confirmed what we already knew. I was pregnant. Only two weeks along...but pregnant just the same. She said that it would be okay to go on the trip, just to be careful...stopping and walking about once an hour or so.

The middle...
On April 15th,2009 we heard our babies heartbeat for the very first time. I cried...and Clif just stared in amazement. How something so tiny could be living inside of me. Before that point, I knew we were going to be having a baby...but hearing that little heartbeat racing, it all became real to me.

Sometime in August we found out that the baby we were carrying was going to be a little girl. We named her that same day, Lillian Joy. We filled those next months with hopes and dreams for what our Lilly would one day be.

We painted, cleaned carpets, bought a ton of baby things...registered, and had three baby showers. This kid would be the best dressed on the block!! Everyone was so excited, and ready for our little Lilly to arrive.

My pregnancy was uneventful for the most part, at least until the third trimester. I'd been having a few issues with my blood pressure being high, but nothing of great concern.

My urine was tested at every appointment, and it always came back "a-ok". I did not have toxemia, and I did not have preeclampsia...I just had high bloods pressure.

Days turned into weeks and weeks to months, and finally October was here!! I couldn't believe it...in just one month I would be meeting the girl that I was already head over heals in love with.

I went to my appointment in early October and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had been praying that it would be down, and that Dr G would let me continue working. No such luck, when he walked into the room...I knew what he was going to say before any words came from his mouth. "You know what I'm going to say, don't you?" And that's when he told me that I was out of work and on complete bedrest.

That next month drug by. I thought that November 9th (Lilly's due date) would never come. But it did...and it passed. And still no baby. I went to see Dr G and he told us that if she didn't come on her own before, we would induce on November 13th.

I went back on the 12th for my last appointment. Dr G checked to see if I was dialated, I was only 2 cm. He told me to have a nice evening, and he'd see me at the hospital the following morning.

Clif took me to dinner and we enjoyed our last night before entering into the world of parenthood. We picked up a few last minute things for the hospital, and then it was home and to bed.

It took me forever to go to sleep that night. Between my nerves, excitement...and baby kicking it was almost impossible. But sleep finally took over my body. Lilly and I fell asleep wrapped in Clif's arms that night....our last night together.

The end.
I woke up to Lilly kicking my insides at 3:30 that morning. No way could I go back to sleep. So I slipped out of bed, took a shower...and called the hospital to make sure they had a room open for me.

I got Clif out of bed, ans we were off to the hospital. Meeting our precious little one was so close I could taste it.
We pulled into the hospital parking lot, and parked the truck. I was a bundle of nerves and excitement. Before we went inside, we bowed our heads and prayed for the day ahead of us. Prayed for a safe and quick delivery. And a happy and healthy mommy and baby. Little did we know that our world was about to come crashing down on us.

We went inside and checked in, waiting to be called back so they could get all of my information. After what seemed like forever, they called me back. I was admitted, given a hospital id bracelet, and wheeled the the 13th floor. Labor & Delivery.

Everything moved fast from there. I was taken to my room, and asked to change into a hospital gown. My nurse came in and asked me a few routine questions, and then told me that they were going to put a belt on me to monitor Lilly's heartrate. It was pink & blue...and a strechy velcro type material. She turned on the monitor and began to search for the heartbeat. We'd never had a problem finding it before. She called in another nurse. She couldn't find it either. They said that they were going to call Dr G and see about an ultrasound.

Dr G walked in as the ultrasound machine was being wheeled in. I already knew what would take place in those next few minutes. They turned off the lights and switched the machine on. As soon as I caught a glimpse of my little angel, I knew she was gone. There was no heartbeat. It didn't take a doctor to tell me that. But he did. Dr G looked at me with tears of his own running down his cheeks... "Desiree, I'm sorry. We can't find a heartbeat."

In that moment, I wanted to die. I felt as if I had no reason to live. I screamed...but tears would not come (but plenty did later!). I'll never forget the cries that came from my husband...they haunt me to this day.

The doctor wanted me to have a natural birth, even after we learned that Lilly had already passed. I couldn't do it. No way could I go through hours upon hours of labor to be rewarded with nothing.

I almost regret my decision now. I feel as if I owed it to my Lilly Bean to feel some kind of pain. But that's the way it happened. There's no going back to change anything now.

I had a C-section a few hours later. Before going into surgery I was surrounded by people who loved me. I can't tell you how much the support meant to me. I walked into surgery that day, and I'm proud. I didn't let my weakness show. God held my hand as I walked the long walk to the Operating Room.

I woke up in recovery praying that it had all been a dream, but one look at Clif's face and I knew it wasn't. Lillian was gone, and there was nothing that I could do about it. God needed her more than we did.

When we first found out that Lilly was gone, Clif didn't want to see or hold her. I insisted. And we're both so glad that I did. Lilly was by far the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and I'm not just being biased.

Not many people can say that their child entered the gates of Heaven completely perfect. But Clif and I can.

Desiree blogs at Journey to Motherhood
You can contact her at clif_n_des_06.02.07@hotmail.com