Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Mom to Emma (Miscarried at 9 weeks, 1/05), Lily (Miscarried at 5 weeks, 5/05), Joshua (Miscarried at 10 weeks, 1/07) and Carter (Stillborn at 35 1/2 weeks 8/29/2009)
Cheyenne, WY

The story my three miscarriages can be found here.

A letter to Carter:

My week at work had been stressful which is not typical at all and on Thursday, your daddy and I had an argument. To top it off, my boss said some not very nice things too at the end of the day. So I left work and called my friend Mindy to tell her all about my day and I cried and cried and cried. I know I had to seem ok later on though because my friends were throwing me a baby shower for me that evening. I went to the shower, it was very nice. When I got home that night I was sitting in your room taking care of all the gifts we had received and I realized I hadn't felt you move since the night before whild your daddy and I were getting your sister ready for bed. I remember telling your big sister that her little brother was awake. :) Like I said before though, you dind't ever move much and since the day had been so busy and stressful, I didn't think much of not feeling you. So, I went to sleep and I woke up at 2:45 am and got worried again because I still hadn't felt you move so at 3:15 am I went downstairs and drank some juice because they say juice will wake babies up in your tummy and get them to move around. So from 3:15 to 3:45 I sat with my hands on my belly just waiting to feel you move. During that time, the cats wouldn't leave me alone. They kept crawling up on my belly and lap to sit. I tried once again not to worry about not feeling you move and didn't want to wake your daddy up to take me in to the hospital and didn't know who I would call to take care of your sister either. I was worried again though when I rolled over and you didn't wiggle around then either.

When I got up that morning, I ate some cereal and drank another juice and you still didn't move. So I left for work and sent a text message to my friend Leah from the doctor's office asking her to call me when she had some time. When she called me, I told her everything that had happened and she told me to come in at 9:00 am for a non-stress test. When I got to work, I told Dan about the appointment and that I needed to go at 9. When the time came to leave, I called Mindy and we talked the entire way to the doctor's office. Mindy said she would keep talking to me during the appointment but I told her I would be ok. Your daddy was at home with your big sister and Porter so I didn't ask him to come with me and he didn't even know I was going because I didn't want to worry him.
So I sat in the waiting room hoping for the best but fearing the worst. When Leah saw me she came and felt my tummy and told me I should have called last night and they would have gotten me in even then. I tried my hardest not to cry. I sat in the chair and they put the fetal heart monitor on. I felt my heart sink when there was no heartbeat immediately. They had never needed to search for your little heartbeat. They put the monitor all over my tummy - low, high, left, right and still no heartbeat. I was trying my hardest not to panic because I knew my panicing would not help the situation at all. So, I held my tears in as best I could while the horrible fear of you being gone ran through my head. Leah asked me where your daddy was and when I told her, she called our friend Tiffany to go over to our house so your daddy could come down. I called your daddy and told him that he needed to come to the doctor's office because I hadn't felt you move, they couldn't find a heartbeat and that they were going to take me in for an ultrasound. It was right about the the doctor came in nand said let's go take a look.
When we got into the ultrasound room, she put it on my tummy and looked around for a bit. Then she said, "That's his heart, I'm sorry." My worst fears had come true. You had died. I just sat there crying and saying Oh my God over and over again. I asked what we needed to do and she told me I would need to deliver you but that I wouldn't have to wait and could go right over to the hospital. So, I called your Bumpa and told him because I wanted your Nana to find out by someone telling her face-to-face. Then your daddy came and I don't even remember what I told him but as we waited to talk to the doctor who would deliver you, we just sat there.
Dr. Beveridge was his name. I had only met him once before. He came in and told us what to expect and that we may never know what happened but they could do bloodwork and genetic testing to try to find out. Off to the hospital we went. I remember walking into the delivery room and seeing the baby warmer. That was the first thing I asked them to take out of there. I couldn't stand to look at it. I was not feeling very well at all so even before they started to induce me, they gave me an epidural. I couldn't even tell you how many people came and went from our room that day. It is such a blur. So as we waited for your grand parents to get there, we just sat and tried to pass the time. Your Uncle Michael was already planning a trip home so it wasn't hard for him to come the extra little bit to Cheyenne and your Uncle Adam went right to the airport to get on a flight. He was scheduled to fly right into Cheyenne around 9:00 pm that night. Then one of his flights got canceled and they weren't going to be able to get him on another one until 9:30 am the next morning. He got on stand-by for a flight that night that would get him to Denver at 11:10 pm we we all waited to see if he'd get a seat.
Meanwhile I had dilated to 4 cm and they decided to break my water. At 8:00 pm they asked me if I wanted to speed up the process and I asked to wait until we knew if Adam was going to get there or not. At 9:00 pm we found out that Adam had gotten onto the flight and Dan headed down to Denver to get him.
Around 10:00 pm your daddy and I asked everyone to leave so we could get some rest. At 10:50 pm I got the urge to push. I wasn't ready though. But they came and checked me and I was 9 cm and a +2 station. Dr. Beveridge said that was ok though and the longer we waited, the further you would come down and that would make it so I wouldn't have to push for as long.
As the time went on, I remember feeling more and more scared. Scared to have it all be over with. Scared to hold you. Scared to see the proof that you were gone.
Your Uncle Adam got to the hospital at 1:00 am. He came right up to our room and we were able to visit with him for about 15 minutes or so. When he left the room, your daddy and I were alone for a minute or two and I told him how scared I was to have to do this. I didn't know if I could.
Then the doctor, our nurse, the nursery nurse and the photographer came in and it was time to start. I remember my contractions almost completely stopping (or at least it seemed like that). But at 1:33 am there you were. Dr. Beveridge held you to show us how your little cord was wrapped around both of your legs and then around your one leg two more times. You didn't have a chance. Every time you kicked your little legs, it got tighter and tighter.


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