Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jennifer
Mom to Addison, "Addy Lynn"
Stillborn on May 26th, 2010
Grandville, MI

I went into labor on Tuesday May 25, 2010, I was 40 weeks + 2 days. Things started moving right along and about 10:30pm, I told my husband, "if these contractions don't let up she is gonna be born tonight!" I was saying all of this while my husband pulled out his suit to prepare for a big interview the next day for a promotion. We figured she'd be born on that day, just because he had the interview, it made me laugh. So we began timing contracts and by midnight I decided to call the doctor she said I'll let them know your on your way. The contractions were coming fast and furious so we packed the car and we were off! I had a "bring it on" attitude on the way, which I was surprised about because in the days leading up to this moment I was terrified of the actual birth process. We arrived at the hospital 10 min later.

My husband parked the car and then I was wheeled to labor and delivery. I was brought to triage and they hooked me up to the heartbeat monitor. She couldn't find a heartbeat. I had such an uneventful pregnancy, no problems, and the heartbeat was ALWAYS strong even on the little Doppler. I began to panic, the nurse tried to calm me and said no problem sometimes it's hard to find, they were going to do an ultrasound, after 3 people did the ultrasound, my husband was already crying so hard. Me, I was in shock, I continued to say over and over "this must be a joke, you are kidding right" We called our parents, they must have come fast because I don't remember much in between ... I still hadn't cried, I couldn't make myself cry, I didn't even believe it was happening.

I was brought to a room at the end of the hall with the curtains drawn and the lights low. I was given an epidural, they let my husband hold my hand during it, thank God. I don't even remember the pain of labor up until this point, but I know it was there. I was dilated to a 6. I rested, then cried, finally ... then 10 hours later I pushed non-stop for 2.5 hours and she was born. My husband cut the cord and then held her and talked to her and cried and cried. As I think back to her birth, this is the part that makes me cry the most, the pain in my husbands eyes. He just kept saying over and over "daddy's here sweetheart, I love you" She was 7lbs, 4oz 21in long and born at 1:24pm on May 26th. She was beautiful, perfect in every way, she felt warm and alive ... if she just would have opened her eyes.

The next day by noon I was ready to get out of the hospital, I wanted nothing more than to go home and get in my bed and be left alone. We went into the room next to us and said our good-byes. I think this was the worst moment of my life. To walk out of the room and know I will never see her again. I will never forget being wheeled out of the hospital carrying a memory box and not our Addison. The ladies at the nurse station stopped talking as I was wheeled by, everyone looked as my head hung low. It was the longest ride I will ever take.

Our lives will never be the same since that day, she took a little piece of us with her that day she grew her wings. Everyone speaks of the new "normal" that will be our lives now ... I'm not sure there will ever be a normal again, but I am sure that I will never forget our sweet angel Addy.

You can contact Jennifer at jennworst@gmail.com