Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Nicole

Mom to Hunter Joe

January 31st, 2011

Laurel, Maryland

I can honestly say that the day that I lost Hunter was THE worst day I have ever had in my entire life!  No exaggerations.  I was mostly numb that day, due to pain meds and preparing for it for almost a week.  

Sunday night, January 24, I had noticed a little blood after going to the bathroom, but thought it was from something else, because the past summer I had issues with my backside and just thought that it might have been happening again.  That Monday morning, I saw more and realized that it was something different.  I called my doctor and they told me to come into the office they had at Holy Cross Hospital (where I don't plan on going back to ever again) so they could see what was up.  After having a sonogram my doctor told me that my cervix had fully dialated and that there wasn't enough there to even put in an emergency cerclage.  I was admitted into the hospital that same day.  In the afternoon another doctor came to do a check on me and they said that the membranes were bulging out and that the outcome wouldn't be good.  

After that I had cried a cry I have never heard escape from my mouth.  That night the perinatologist that I had seen had given me two options, get induced, or have a D&C, neither of which the hospital I was in would do, because it's Catholic and they're all about preserving life, even if there's a 99.999% chance that that life won't make it.  So, from Monday morning to Friday night I was on bedrest at that hospital, not seeing the same doctor, being told the same bad news and not being able to do anything about it.  What bothered me the most, was that with every nurse change, they would check for a heartbeat.  They would find it and get all happy, but I just knew otherwise.  Friday afternoon I saw a new doctor, that actually listened to me and helped me with options and I just decided that I would much rather go home and Monday, January 31, I would go to the University of Maryland Medical Center.  

I didn't make it there, because early Monday morning, around 5 AM and 19 weeks, I began to go into labor/miscarry.  I had my first ever ambulance ride to Laurel Regional Hospital, with my boyfriend, who was there with me the entire time, including the almost week long Holy Cross Hospital stay.  I was in so much pain and scared.  The doctor I had was no nonsense, which I needed after dealing with pussyfooters a week before and my nurse was awesome and kept the pain meds coming.  I didn't have to do any pushing, because by the time I was admitted I had done most of the work in the ER, so the doctor delivered.  

I couldn't/didn't want to see Hunter.  As soon as he came out they noticed that the cord was wrapped around his neck a few times, which I later found out happened because he was trying to find the amniotic fluid I was losing and I did ask if Hunter was a boy, or girl and they said boy.  About three hours later, I think, because I was still on pain meds, I delivered the placenta.  They gave me more drugs to help me sleep, because I hadn't slept for almost a day by then.  I went home in the evening.  The nurse gave me a bag with the blanket they wrapped him in, his baptism certificate, his footprints and a picture I haven't been able to gain the courage to look at.  On my due date, June 24, 2011, my boyfriend and I are going to get tattoos of Hunter's footprints and his name.  

You can contact Nicole at nicolelorraine80@gmail.com