Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jennifer

Baby # 1 (My Hope) 

EDD February 17th, 2011 - D & C  July 19th, 2010

Baby # 2 (My Spot)

EDD August 1st, 2011 - D & C January 8th, 2011

Louisville, Kentucky

I always heard people talking about problems getting pregnant and coming across discussion forums of women having trouble conceiving.  I never thought in my wildest dream that one day I would be posting on a forum about my fertility.  I guess that’s why they say never say never.  My husband and I were just shy of our first year wedding anniversary when we decided we were going to start trying for our first child.  We were so excited.   

First month of trying came and went, I remember feeling so disappointed when I started my period, but I knew it took longer than one month.  The next month came and well to my surprise my period did not.  I felt so crampy and bloated; I thought at any minute I was going to start.  I remember running to the bathroom with tampon in hand because I just knew I had started.  Nothing.  It was 3 days before my 25^th birthday and I was going to dinner with the girls in my family and out to see a show so I decided to take a pregnancy test before leaving the house because I didn’t want to have a glass of wine if I was pregnant.  Well I took the test and waited with anxiety traveling through my every bone.  I waited three minutes and read the test to see one strong line and the faintest second line.  I had my cousin check it.  She said she saw it but to wait it out longer because it was so faint.  I just knew it from that moment I was pregnant.  The next morning I took another test..still a faint line showed.  I gave in and went and bought the “expensive” test and bam, two glowing lines! I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to tell my husband.  He was so excited. What a birthday gift.  We waited a couple of weeks before we told my parents because my brother and his wife were expecting and I didn’t want to take away from them.  We told my husband’s parents right away and they were so excited for us! Once my brother and his wife had their baby we shared the news with my family.  Literally people were screaming with joy! I was enthralled.

I made my doctor’s appointment.  July 2^nd, 2010 was the big date for the first appointment.  My husband was going and my mom wanted to go too.  That day will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I saw my NP who said the uterus felt about 8-10 weeks. According to me I should have been 8 weeks. Great, I thought..what if its TWINS! I was so excited. I asked if the US tech was there and if we could sneak a peek.  She agreed and we went into the US tech room..since I was only 8 weeks we had to do a transvaginal scan.  I remember watching the screen waiting to see our beautiful baby..all we saw was a big empty sac.  The tech immediately started talking about a missed miscarriage and how often they occur.  Wait, I’m pregnant I thought..this is all a bad dream..she is wrong..i wanted to escape.  Tears started flowing. I knew I had to pull it together.  The tech said we could come back in a week to scan again and see if there was any growth.  My gestational sac was measuring only 5 weeks but it looked like a good sac for 5 weeks.  They did give hope that maybe my dates were off but they didn’t want me to get my hopes up too much.  They gave me a slip for bloodwork as I walked out the door and told me to go to the hospital and have my HCG level drawn today and then go back 48 hours later for another draw.  I went to the hospital immediately.  I was so upset and my mind was all over the place.  I wished at that point that I couldn’t feel because what I was feeling was horrible.  I got my blood drawn and went home.   

My husband and I had planned a weekend trip to the lake for the 4^th of July.  We went ahead and went to the lake because relaxation was what I needed and I could worry there just as much as I could at home.  When we returned home, I went to the doctor that Monday.  I knew already my blood levels were good and that they were encouraging and that maybe my dates were just off.  It had only been 4 days since my last US but the doctor wanted to do another one.  I had gone alone because I didn’t know he was going to do an US and the numbers looked good so I thought I was okay.  BIGGEST MISTAKE! That US revealed the sac was growing and that a yolk sac was now present, however, he felt we should be seeing a fetus because my HCG level was so high.  UGH! Wait another 2 weeks before a scan was his recommendation.  So I did just that.  I must say that it was a horrible two weeks. What at that time I thought nothing could be worse..more on that later.  The second US revealed no further development.  The doctor recommended I go ahead and proceed with a D&C or wait and miscarry naturally.  I couldn’t take either one of these. This was not happening.  My baby was there, I knew it, they were making mistakes.  I wanted a second opinion.  So that’s what I did, I called a doctor who  was recommended it by a friend.  The doctor was outstanding.  I told her the story, gave her all lab work, and the information. She said we were going to do an US to see what was going on.  I prayed, I prayed like crazy. Prayed that my miracle baby would be on that screen.  I was sadly, mistaken.  No baby and now the gestational sac was breaking down and debris appeared in my uterus.  I had to proceed with a D&C because I was at risk of bleeding issue called DIC.  

 I couldn’t schedule the appointment.  I just couldn’t do it..it hurt so much.  My mom called for me and scheduled the D&C.  I had the D&C and recovery was a breeze.  We were told to wait 3 cycles before trying to conceive.  So we did just that.  Although the baby never showed on the screen that baby was loved in my heart from the moment I got a positive test.  They do not what caused the miscarriage and they do not know at what stage the baby stopped developing.  Emotionally I still carry the pain from the miscarriage in my heart.  However, I was ready to start trying as soon as the doc said we could.

Oct. 13^th, 2010..The day my period was supposed to come.  Again, I felt crampy and bloated.  I had even spotted.  Yup, I thought to myself..aunt flow is coming to visit.  Days came..and days went..no period..once again, I decided to test.  I saw a faint second line with my first test…hum..I’m making that up I thought…I asked my husband if he saw the line and he said no. Crap, okay. Just late then. Days came and went. No period.  Okay, I’ll test again.  Damn that faint second line that only I can see.  I had a friend I work with check my test (we are both nurses).  Okay, we both saw it.  I showed my husband and he said “Oh yea, I see that line I saw it on the first test too but I thought it was supposed to go the other way”….ahh, my husband..I just love him..We were so excited we were pregnant AGAIN!! But yet I couldn’t let myself become too excited.  I was still carrying the pain from the last miscarriage.  I wasn’t going to tell many people because the reality of miscarriage was oh so real.  So we told our parents and that was it.  They were excited. But I know everyone was apprehensive.   I called my doctor (which was a new one because my old one no longer delivered at my hospital)..my neighbor is an US tech and worked in his office and recommended him .. Plus, she could do my US and she knew what I had gone through.   

My appointment was set Dec. 2^nd, 2010.  Once again, my mom and husband joined me at the office for my first prenatal exam..I was so sick .. so . soo..soo.. sick.  A darn cold that I hadn’t been able to get rid of since I got pregnant.  Waiting in the office took forever!  Finally we got to see the doctor. First we had to talk in his office.  Given my history of a miscarriage he thought an US would be a good thing to take measurements and so forth but after my pelvic exam.  He confirmed my uterus was enlarged and I was about 8-10 weeks…sounded familiar..I told myself “Jennifer, No making comparisons”.  We had to travel to another office for the US. My neighbor was doing the scan and we were so excited all of us!!  Once again, a transvaginal US..UGH!!!! Okay, there is the gestational sac…okay..baby…where’s the baby…after some searching there was the smallest fetal pole..BUT IT WAS THERE..There was my little baby spot..we nicknamed the baby “spot”..no heartbeat yet but I was 5 weeks according the scan.  My neighbor knew I was disappointed about not seeing the heartbeat so she said come back next week and we’ll see that little flicker..WAITING..ugh..I hate waiting..the week moved so slow..but that day..My husband, mom, and stepdad all piled into the room for the scan with my neighbor..Okay, gestational sac..and whats that…THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FLICKER EVER. Spot’s heart was beating..oh I was so excited..WE DID IT! Our baby was there..the heart was pounding away..the baby was now measuring 6.5 weeks…we got in the car and I told my husband..I couldn’t believe there was a life inside of me..how exciting.  

The next couple of weeks were uneventful.  We shared the news with all friends and family..stupid me even cleared out a room that would be the nursery..i even had it painted and hardwords floors laid..we were safe we thought..we suffered our loss and now it was our time for our baby.. time went by …  Nausea, sore boobs, vomiting, clothes getting tighter..a little belly barely was coming up.  I had my second visit and I was about 9 weeks.  Everything was great.  It was after the new year..I was working my regular night shift..my back was killing me.  Back pain isn’t unusual because of being a nurse and caring for patients I thought it was just my back going out..and it had gone out before and it felt just like that.  I figured it had to do with my growing belly and the baby.  But just to be safe..i’d call my doc the following morning.  He said I should come in for a scan just to be safe too but he was sure the baby was fine since I was not bleeding or cramping. 

I asked my mom to go because my husband had school and worked the night before so he had to get some sleep.  I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal because the doc said he didn’t think anything was wrong with the baby.  But still I had that bad taste in my mouth from the last miscarriage so I needed support.  Plus, we had the big scan the following week for the NT testing and my husband would be there then.   It wasn’t my neighbor doing the scan, it was  a different lady..a lady I never had met before.  She did the transvaginal scan..okay, there was the sac..there is baby..and okay, there’s baby measuring barely 6 weeks and there is no heartbeat…WHAT..wait..stop the train. My baby has a heartbeat and should be 10.5 weeks.  Are you sure you have the right uterus on that scan…Immediately, my heart fell.. ever feel like everything stops around you and your heart isn’t beating and the world comes crashing down on you..that doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings.  I couldn’t breathe..yet I was crying so hard I couldn’t  do anything but lay on that cold exam table.   

My mom keep saying “Be strong”..the tech said I needed to see the doc..i went to his office..which is a complete blur.  I sat there listened to my options..while tears soaked everything.  I now had hives covering my body from crying and hyperventilating.  What was going on..my baby is dead..WHY..why me..I couldn’t decide I told him, I needed to think.  I wanted blood work to ensure my HCG level was dropping.  He agreed and thought that was a great idea. He offered to allow me to sit in his office until I was composed before I left but I wanted the hell out of there.  But now that I think of it, I had to go face something even more horrible.

Oh God, I had to go home and wake my husband and tell him that our baby was dead.  I couldn’t do it.  I drove home sobbing.  My phone rang the whole way home with the news quickly traveling.  I pulled up to the house..I sat in the car and cried..I went into the house..I sat down and cried ..okay..i have to go into the bedroom and wake him…I crawled into bed with him.  He woke up with a smile.  I started crying ..crying so hard.  He thought it was my back hurting me..he still had no idea…I then somehow got out the words, “the baby has no heartbeat..the baby is dead”..to hear his voice speak those next words was like a knife to my heart..he said “what..no, Jennifer..are you sure?”…We laid in bed and I cried..and I cried…  and when you think you can’t cry more you do.  The phone rang, texts came through..but I was to upset to talk..no one could feel what I felt. .. the pain was unreal..my baby was gone…my beautiful baby..

The phone rang the next morning, it was my doctor. They needed me to come back in for a scan. My HCG level was very high and he thought they missed the heartbeat or maybe I had twins and one passed and they missed the other..Oh gosh, MY BABY IS SAFE..that false hope was short lived as my husband, mom, and stepdad and neighbor who was doing the scan all piled back into the room.  I didn’t cry this time when the doctor came in and said “Sorry there appears to be no heartbeat but yet I am concerned you have a partial molar pregnancy”…I needed no explaining I knew what it was..Really, I thought my luck couldn’t get any worse. 

We had to do D&C as soon as we could.  I had already ate and drank so that ruled out that day..it was Friday.  He said we could do it on Saturday, the following day.  But only if he had the right OR staff because he was afraid of me hemorrhaging on the table.  Awesome..my luck. That OR staff was on.  Saturday morning it was.

The D&C itself went okay other than me losing a lot of blood.  A LOT.  The pain was more when I woke up but was controlled with medication.  I was able to go home and would see the doc in a week unless something came up. 

I’m now 5 weeks out from my D&C..physically, I still have pain and bleeding.  Its been five weeks of it.  I go every week for blood work because they never ruled out the possibility that the pregnancy was a partial molar..the best pathologist couldn’t determine so they figured it was best to treat me as if it was…

Weekly, I walk into that office..i see all the pregnant women..and it makes me sick.  That should be me sitting there.  It angers me more when I see young girls pregnant..I felt I did everything right.  I waited til I was out of college, got a job, married, have a house, and can support a child.  Yet each time its been ripped out of me. 

Emotionally I’m hurting.  I know with time it will get better.  I want to move on..my babies our forever in my heart and in there they will never part from me. This is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life.  All I want are my babies in my arms.  Happy, Healthy, and ALIVE.  I want my husband to laugh at my big belly and tell the baby stories through my belly..I want to feel those butterflies and watch my belly move as the baby does…I want to watch my husband play with the baby...I want the hurting to stop in my heart…the heaviness that lays on my chest to be lifted..i want my babies..I cannot change what has happened..but I can ask for answers…We will try again but only after the doctor gives us the okay.  We also are getting tested for fertility issues and are hoping we get answers.  I feel like I need answers. 

I feel for anyone who has lost a baby..please know you are not alone..I am the face a recurrent miscarriages..I am the face of a strong woman..I am not ashamed to talk about it..

 You can contact Jennifer at Jennred03@aol.com