Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Brooke

Mom to Maddox

September 14th, 2010 - January 14th, 2011

Dixon, Illinois

I got pregnant in December 2009. I am a teen so at first it seemed like a bad situation but I knew I was made to be a mother. Abortion or Adoption never crossed my mind. I knew I wanted to love and be with my child, and my entire pregnancy I studied, researched, and prepared for my beautiful son. I put my whole self into every decision I made for him and when he finally entered this world on September, 14th, 2010, my whole life changed. I was so ready to be a parent. I loved my son so much already. 

My OB/GYN failed to tell me my son had kidney defects on my ultrasound, so I had no idea my son would be getting transferred. We got sent to the NICU an hour away for 1 month. He finally was well enough to go home, but the doctors did not know my sons heart was so bad. They neglected him and sent him home, only for his heart to weaken and get worse. But while we had him home it was seriously the best days of my life. I loved caring for my son so much. It just came so naturally and perfect. We loved breastfeeding, taking baths together, playing, snuggling and all. We were so in love and we connected so well. He knew I was his momma and knew I loved him. He was so perfect. I could not even bare being away from him.
 

At 2 months old, my son started breathing heavy, and fast. His RR was in the 70's so I took him to the ER. They sent us back to the hospital who neglected him in the first place. After staying there for two weeks, they sent us to another childrens hospital and the next morning he went into cardiac arrest but was revived. We were then told that my son's heart was inoperable because it was so weak for working so hard for 3 months. He had severe mitral, pulmonary and aortic valve stenosis. So we then had to make the decision of when to take him off life support. We decided twice but when the day came we could not do it. I prayed that my son would go on his own so I did not have to make that decision, and my prayer was answered.
 

On January 14, 2011 on my sons 4 month birthday, my son could not keep his oxygen levels up and the next thing I knew, the nurses were handing me my blue faced son, for him to pass away peacefully in my arms in no more than 5 minutes. He was no longer in pain, so I was relieved. I was in shock for the first few days and maybe even weeks, and now I am breaking. I am so broken. I can never and will never love anyone more than I loved him. I can't even imagine having another child. I am ruined. My son took my soul with him. He has my heart. I can feel him with me most of the time. Thats when I feel safe, calm and okay. But other times, I dont know where he goes, but when his spirit leaves me, I feel hopeless, empty and broken. Some days I have no idea how I am going to go on. Some days all I do is lay in bed and dream about the fastest way to be with my son. I know I can not kill myself because I will not see my son that way either. But its so hard not to fantasize about the glory of meeting my son again. In that 4 month period of time, he changed everything. He made my life complete. He was  literally everything to me. 

Some days I am okay and truly understand that he's in a better place, other days I just can't handle it any longer. I have somewhat of a good support system but I truly wish I had a child lost mother that was in my town and that I could be friends with. No one understands. But I am going to make it, never move on but I will make it. 

My son has helped me decide on a career that I am so passionate about. I want to be a nurse in the PICU and help families that go through these hard times. I know exactly what patients and their families want and thats just what I will do. That is just about the only good thing that will come from my sons death. I know he is still here but it is just so hard to go on some days.

Brooke blogs at http://www.brookeslusser.blogspot.com/