Mom to Aaron or Erinn November Santoro
Miscarried at 6 weeks, 3 days on November 3rd, 2010
This poem letter is dedicated to Aaron/Erinn November Santoro... our first child, son or daughter, for whom we must wait til we enter the Gates of Heaven to meet for the first time. Aaron/Erinn was the name God gave me after the ultrasound results, since we don't know if its a boy or girl there are two versions. November for the middle name is so we always remember the month. Aaron/Erinn died at 6 weeks and 3 days old.
I wrote this on Friday, November 19th, 2010 the night of the day we got the call with the news opposite of what we had been praying and believing for.
Worship music is helping us so much right now. As well as the prayers and support from the Element Church Staff, 2Twenty leaders, friends and family, even if some people didn't know exactly what was going on. We are so thankful for all of you. We love you so much!!
'hush now baby don't you cry, rest your wings my butterfly, peace will come to you in time, and i will sing this lullaby'
October 19th, 2010 was the day we found out you were there inside of me
We had been trying for awhile to start a family
That morning we found out God had answered our prayers
I cannot explain the joy I felt
The joy your daddy felt
I was bursting at the seams, wanting to tell everyone
But we kept you a secret, sharing you only with immediate family
I loved talking to you
Singing worship songs to God with you
Writing to you in our journal
Every bit of tiredness and soreness that comes from being pregnant I loved
I knew it meant you were there
You had already decided what foods you liked
As well as the ones you absolutely detested
You loved chocolate milk!
Rice was nummy
But forget even the thought of ramen
You loved chicken ceasar salad
Fruits and juice
I think you liked when your daddy talked to you
When he gave you hugs n kisses
He nicknamed you 'critter'
Decided if you were a girl with fuzz for hair when born
He would call you 'peaches' as well
But on Tuesday, November 16th, our world came to a halt
We had our first ultrasound to see when your due date would be
The technician leaned over me
She said 'I am afraid I have bad news..
'The baby is 6.5 weeks along, but the sac is at 8 weeks...'
Her next words were the hardest ones I have ever had to hear
'..and I cannot find the heartbeat.. I am so sorry..'
Your daddy and my mommy, you grandmother, were holding me as we all cried
They sent us to the doctor to get blood work
We let our church staff know and asked them to pray for you
On Thursday I got the second test done to compare the levels
This morning they called me and told me that the levels had gone down
From 12,000 to 9,000
I feel so broken and empty inside
My baby who I have waited for so long to conceive has been taken away from me
Your daddy came home from work and together we cried
We already loved you so much, and we still do
We will never ever stop loving you
We know you are with Jesus, wrapped in His arms
You are safe there, and happy
I long to hold you in my arms
But right now I will just trust God to do so in my place
Its gonna be ok
God is with us here too
We cry when we think or talk about you because we miss you
But we are able to smile because He is our Healer
He fills us with peace
We do not know why you were taken from us
But we know that God will use this for good somehow
I am not sure how yet
Only time will tell
Fly to heaven my little bird
We cannot wait to see you critter!
Mommy and Daddy
You can contact Sarah at firstname.lastname@example.org