Friday, December 3, 2010

Mom to Aaron or Erinn November Santoro
Miscarried at 6 weeks, 3 days on November 3rd, 2010
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

This poem letter is dedicated to Aaron/Erinn November Santoro... our first child, son or daughter, for whom we must wait til we enter the Gates of Heaven to meet for the first time. Aaron/Erinn was the name God gave me after the ultrasound results, since we don't know if its a boy or girl there are two versions. November for the middle name is so we always remember the month. Aaron/Erinn died at 6 weeks and 3 days old.

I wrote this on Friday, November 19th, 2010 the night of the day we got the call with the news opposite of what we had been praying and believing for.

Worship music is helping us so much right now. As well as the prayers and support from the Element Church Staff, 2Twenty leaders, friends and family, even if some people didn't know exactly what was going on. We are so thankful for all of you. We love you so much!!

'hush now baby don't you cry, rest your wings my butterfly, peace will come to you in time, and i will sing this lullaby'

October 19th, 2010 was the day we found out you were there inside of me

We had been trying for awhile to start a family

That morning we found out God had answered our prayers

I cannot explain the joy I felt

The joy your daddy felt

I was bursting at the seams, wanting to tell everyone

But we kept you a secret, sharing you only with immediate family

I loved talking to you

Singing worship songs to God with you

Writing to you in our journal

Every bit of tiredness and soreness that comes from being pregnant I loved

I knew it meant you were there

You had already decided what foods you liked

As well as the ones you absolutely detested

You loved chocolate milk!

Rice was nummy

But forget even the thought of ramen

You loved chicken ceasar salad

Fruits and juice

I think you liked when your daddy talked to you

When he gave you hugs n kisses

He nicknamed you 'critter'

Decided if you were a girl with fuzz for hair when born

He would call you 'peaches' as well

But on Tuesday, November 16th, our world came to a halt

We had our first ultrasound to see when your due date would be

The technician leaned over me

She said 'I am afraid I have bad news..

'The baby is 6.5 weeks along, but the sac is at 8 weeks...'

Her next words were the hardest ones I have ever had to hear

'..and I cannot find the heartbeat.. I am so sorry..'

Your daddy and my mommy, you grandmother, were holding me as we all cried

They sent us to the doctor to get blood work

We let our church staff know and asked them to pray for you

On Thursday I got the second test done to compare the levels

This morning they called me and told me that the levels had gone down

From 12,000 to 9,000

I feel so broken and empty inside

My baby who I have waited for so long to conceive has been taken away from me

Your daddy came home from work and together we cried

We already loved you so much, and we still do

We will never ever stop loving you

We know you are with Jesus, wrapped in His arms

You are safe there, and happy

I long to hold you in my arms

But right now I will just trust God to do so in my place

Its gonna be ok

God is with us here too

We cry when we think or talk about you because we miss you

But we are able to smile because He is our Healer

He fills us with peace

We do not know why you were taken from us

But we know that God will use this for good somehow

I am not sure how yet

Only time will tell

Fly to heaven my little bird

We cannot wait to see you critter!


Mommy and Daddy

You can contact Sarah at


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