Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Sandra

Mom to Zachary

Born Sleeping July 8th, 2009 at 36 weeks 5 days

Montreal, Canada

When our daughter was about to turn 5 we decided that it was time for us to have another baby. We were fortunate enough to get pregnant the first month of trying. Everything was going great, no morning sickness, no complications, a textbook pregnancy. At our 20 week scan we found out that we were expecting a little boy and we were THRILLED! 

Everything continued to go well until at around 36 weeks I wasn’t feeling very much movement. It was a Sunday afternoon and the last time I could remember feeling my little man move was Saturday afternoon. It had been a busy weekend since we had just moved into our new house so I thought I had just missed it. He wasn’t a very active baby to begin with. All of Sunday and Monday I waited for him to move. Nothing. I had an appointment on Tuesday so I decided to wait until then. I honestly thought that everything would be fine. I thought I might be going into labor and Zach was just resting up. When I got in to see the doctor she tried to find the heartbeat with Doppler. Nothing. She brought in the portable ultrasound machine and confirmed my worst fears. My son was gone.  

I called my husband and all I could say was “he’s gone, the baby’s gone”. I couldn’t imagine having to tell our daughter. I had to drive myself home and when I got there my husband came out to the driveway. He held me in his arms and I wept. I just kept saying “I’m sorry”. I felt like it was all my fault. My job was to protect my son and bring him into this world safe and sound and I failed miserably. I felt like I had inflicted this horrible pain on all my loved ones by roping them in to loving him. I was devastated.

I was induced the next morning in a dark room at the end of the hallway. Zachary Tyler was born at 7:45pm on July 8^th, 2009. He weighed 5lbs 8oz and was 19 ½ inches long. The cord was tightly wrapped around his neck twice. It was so compressed in one spot that the blood flow had been completely restricted. The last time I felt Zachary move he was probably in distress.

We decided that we wanted to keep him for ourselves and couldn’t bear the thought of having visitors. His Daddy and I held him and loved him, sang to him, kissed him and spoke to him and counted his fingers and toes. He was I the room with us for 5 hours until the nurse came and took him away. I wish we had known about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep because the only pictures we have of him are horrible. He doesn’t look like we remember him. He was perfect. I never thought to dress him and I regret that.

We decided to have him cremated and held a funeral for him the following Tuesday. We keep his urn on a shelf in our TV room where we spent the majority of our time as a family. I miss my son every day and it breaks my heart that we didn’t have enough time. On the bright side, this experience has made me a better person, it has brought our family closer and made us more appreciative of the little things in life.

On the shelf with Zach’s urn is a stuffed bear. The day after the funeral I went out and bought an identical bear for our daughter so that she can always have that bond with the baby brother she never got to know.

You can contact Sandra at Shaydon80@yahoo.ca